At least I can say this with conviction

I have the peace of the Lord which surpasses human understanding;
I know that I have done my best;
I live without regrets.

death of yet another NSF

Though they cannot see this,

here's my heartfelt condolences to the family of the late Eugin Wee. 

Nobody expected such an accident to happen within such a short period of time, following the death of another NSF not too long ago. We would expect the SAF to put extra precautionary measures after the previous fatal accident, who knows whether they did...?

It's easy to put the blame on the driver and all, but bear in mind that he's human too and he's probably in trauma, regretting that he hadn't been more careful. No matter how much he regrets, it won't do a thing to change the situation. To quote a user on Yahoo Singapore, he'd probably have to "carry this burden for the rest of his life."

I wonder how the family is coping. They've been hit the hardest.

But then again, according to a friend, there are many of such accidents that go unreported. So there are a lot of angry Singaporeans out there, not counting the NSFs themselves. Well I just cannot imagine any of my friends ending up like that, especially since most guy friends my age are serving the nation now....

The use of profanities

I've said this before, and I"ll say it again.

No, I do not condone the use of profanities.

Though its use is very common now, and I have have countless friends using them, I cringe whenever I hear any one of it. Call me a coward, conservative, whatever. I don't care. Believe it or not, I've never used one in my life. And it shall continue to stay that way, no matter how pissed I may be at any point of time.

Like now, maybe.

Most of the time, I blog when I'm emotional.

This means that

1. Things may sound more inflated than they really are.
2. My choice of words and phrases may be harsher - and in layman terms, blown-up - than they would when I am not experiencing an emotional high or low.
3. I need an avenue to express myself, and I do so with an assumption that people don't bother to look for my blog, because I am (honestly, it's how I perceive myself to be) an insignificant figure. Hence I am not embarrassed about having my posts on the Internet. However, my previous post, typed when I wasn't in the best of moods, generated some strong opposition. That post is now saved as a draft, unpublished, to prevent further damage.

Silence may be golden, but too much of it does more harm to the individual who's bearing it.

--

I just spent $120 on textbooks (still short of one) for the new sem, one of them is my developmental psych text. I flipped to the content page, and saw that right at the very end was death. I read some of that, thinking that it may be applicable to my current situation. Needless to say, I could not go on reading it, however objective it may be.

--

Please let the liaising go smoothly!

Year 1 Sem 2 is going to be hectic

Okay. As of now, I have a few projects which I'm involved in

1. Happy Halls (Psych Soc)

2. Psychology FOC (Psych Soc)
3. Preparation of gifts for PHP confidants (Psych Soc/SCC)

4. Hall FOC (Hall12, which will not come in until much later. PHEW)

5. Civilisation Supper (Hall12)

6. Civ notice board (Hall12)

7. Hall Olympiad Closing Ceremony (Dance) (Hall12)

My goodness. This may not look like a lot, I mean compared to the others who have a thousand and one projects under their wing, but it's a lot to me because I believe what is said in Colossians 3:23. So either I give 100%, or nothing at all. If I'm going to give my 100%, I'd have to be involved in fewer things, right? Not that those who are burdened with many of such projects aren't doing them well; I salute them for their ability to do so. It's just that I cannot be like them, hence I there has to be a limit and it looks like I'm not being involved enough...... 

An ex-classmate

Well, I've just read a couple of posts from an old classmate's blog and I'm appalled by what she posts and portrays herself to be. From what I've read, this is what I have gathered

1. She has a foul temper, with a tendency for violence (throwing things around).
2. She complains more than anyone else I know.
3. She is obsessed with her appearance. I don't know how many times she has gone for surgery to improve how her lips, eyes, boobs, and whatever else looks.
4. She loves money. In fact, she loves it so much, she shows that she is easily pleased by money. She would give up what she doesn't like for money, at the expense of something else. For example, she is angry with her boyfriend. Bf gives her a new polaroid camera, and she is not angry anymore. Later, she is back to complaining and sulking again.
5. She hates school (she is studying in a polytechnic)
6. She wants to go to a university. I mean, HELLO, if you can't even go through a day of school without thinking of how you detest it and how the whole world owes you something, you will never live through a semester in uni. Dream on, man. And she wants to study communications and/or psychology, and she can't even spell 'psychology' correctly. Are you kidding me?
7. She spends like her dad is Steve Jobs. By that, I mean excessively, once again more than anyone else I know.
8. Her world revolves around - who else - herself.

I'm sorry but I really cannot take it when I read about or come across such people. She seems to equate love with money. i.e. if her parents love her, they should feed her with more money so that she can fulfill her material wants and her countless nights of partying.

I am utterly disgusted. Hate to say this, but after you read her blog, you would think that I'm an angel. This is how bad it is.

staying awake again

My family's not on night shift today, we're all at home and they're sleeping but I can't sleep. I keep thinking of my grandma and how much I miss her. Then I think of my grandpa and my heart aches even more...

I feel as if I'm being really childish but *sigh* I want my grandma so bad... I just wonder how long it'll take before I can fully absorb the fact that she's gone for good and crying for her wont make her come back.

I wish I could hug someone right now :( Being alone clearly is disastrous. My thoughts stray too far, too much. and I pine for what cannot be mine anymore.

staying awake

... for night shift at a funeral wake is not the most exciting thing. It's kinda boring.

I have not cried for the past 12 hours. Achievement? Maybe it's just building up. Popo looks so different in there with all that makeup on. So different from when I last saw her. I gotta look at her a couple more times before her body's gone for good on Tuesday, which is also the day I get my exam results.

UJC came today... It's comforting to have the cell group with me, so I'm really thankful for that. I think a few more friends are gonna come down during the next two to three days, so thank you in advance. I could do with your company. Now I know how my friends who've lost loved ones feel when we make an appearance at their relatives' wakes.

It's so quiet here.

Popo, I really really love you. Why must you go so soon? Why?

Just two Sundays ago, I saw my grandma in church, still able to interact with people around her, and able to walk with some help. That was the last time I saw her (relatively) healthy.

Last Saturday, in the wee hours of the morning, she was sent to the hospital as she was in extreme pain and had difficulty breathing. Each time I went to visit her, her condition seemed to deteriorate, and I cannot help but feel more helpless and afraid.  She was still fine on Sunday and Monday night, able to hold my hand, see me and acknowledge my presence in the ward. She could still talk a little. Last night when I went back again, well, I couldn't recognise my grandma at all. She was just... so disoriented, semi-conscious, I doubt she even knew who was at her bed side.

I admit, I have often thought of what would happen if my grandma were to end up like this, I knew that one day she would have to leave me, leave all of us. But I never thought it would be THAT soon.

I really don't know what to do.

I'm so scared, so very scared. That's what I've been telling people who ask about my popo (grandma in Chinese). She's in the high dependency ward, and all I could do was just hold her hand when I visited her just now. I feel so helpless.

one of those moments

where you feel like life is not worth living for.

where you know you need to pray and intercede.

where you know that the decision is not yours to make.

where you know that there is no 'undo'.