Rejuvenated

Thank you. You have no idea how that felt. It'll be an understatement to say that you were my antidote. If only it could be like this every day... which is kinda impossible.


Sighhh I've got to live in the present and stop drawing on past sensations and memories, which will only become more distant with time.

Why do you keep trying so hard when you know you're just not favoured?

Why BOTHER when at the end of the day, the only thing you gain is dejection?

Do you honestly think such efforts are worth your time and resources? Nobody even notices your existence.

Stop trying to be noticed. You just ain't them. You will never be. Give it up and get a life (oh, I'm sorry, you don't have and can't get one).


One more thing. Quit talking to yourself. It's really foolish.

The Passing of Mrs LKY

The nation mourns the passing of a really great woman, Mdm Kwa Geok Choo, wife of Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew. It is a loss to him, to our country.

MM Lee's eulogy here (source: CNA) shows a a summary of their life together. This is the epitome of true love.

Rest in peace, Mrs Lee. You will always remain in our hearts.

Changes

Once you reach a certain stage, you stop being concerned about what others think you are (at least almost), you stop longing to belong somewhere, you stop searching for your supposed self-identity. You engage in activities that have significantly more impact on your future. You look at what happens in the long run, weigh the implications of sacrificing the time spent on things you do today that would shape your tomorrow, with the instant gratification received from other activities that will not last.

You become... more emo, for lack of a better word. More reflective, more thoughtful. Your score soars on the 'worries' scale. You're not sure you even want to have a social life. You are lost, even though the map in your hands clearly states the direction you ought to go. You think, it's not that simple - not everything can be put down in paper and ink. The complexity is unseen, unheard, only experienced by the subject.

You need something more than a map and a compass. You need guidance from above, spiritual and divine help the human mind cannot comprehend. You bow your head, arms raised in surrender. You mentally throw out everything within you, trusting in the unseen with absolute faith that the weight you carry will be taken away from you. You just need to believe. Believe. Believe.

The Thrill of Running

Running takes your mind off things. Makes you focus on the route ahead, your breathing rate, the stinging by the side of your body, anything but the baggage Life thrusts to you. You leave its contents strewn in a trail as you set off on your journey, however short it may be.

Much to your dismay, you are made to pick up your mess as you return from your pilgrimage, place them back into the awful bag bestowed by Life. It all comes back to you then, slowly but surely.

You can't run away forever. You've got to face it sooner or later. Come back to it. It'll always be waiting for you, there's no escape.

Responsibilities, commitments, trust, and many more which have to be upheld. More to come.

10th JCRC Rally Hall 12

Each Hall in NTU will go through a period of Junior Common Room Committee (JCRC) campaigning, rallying and polling to elect the next batch of students worthy of 'governing' each hall's social, sports and welfare matters, just to name a few.

I have just attended Hall 12's two days of rallying, and the response from its residents - based on both days' turnout - had my eyebrows raised. I don't know about the rest, but I felt that as a hall resident, it is important to know who are the candidates running for the JCRC, and who are the ones who would eventually make decisions on your behalf whenever hall matters are concerned. It was also my first time experiencing such a political event since, well, I'm under 21 and I can't vote for Singapore's next ruling party. I also felt it necessary to be there for 3 of my seniors who are running for JCRC, even though they had their rally yesterday. As an aesthetics performer, I know how it feels like to know that someone is there watching you and being with you (though physically far away) when you are involved in something important to you. So yeah, even though my OG was busying themselves with recreational sports elsewhere, I felt I had to stay at the rally... at least my conscience feels better :)

Having seen almost all the candidates speak, I must say that there is a lot that I can learn from them. I have almost zero public speaking skills, I cannot speak in front of a crowd under pressure, and my nervousness will just give me away. I don't even know if I even have half their certainty that this Hall is worth giving up all other commitments (like school CCAs) for. Not to mention the politics that are bound to arise within the committee, or the skepticism that hall residents may have towards the JCRC. As someone who is very concerned about how people perceive me to be, I simply don't have the guts to step forward like they do. I don't know if I ever will have too. Ha haa.



That aside... I really need to catch up on my studying. I have countless readings to do, and though it may look like I'm always studying, the fact remains that my courses and electives require me to READ and READ and READ and I do not really have a choice but to look like I am a hardcore mugger :( SIGH!

Jesus Take The Wheel

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat
Sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh

Sometimes, it's not that I want to be anti-social and distance myself away from the lot of you. I just cannot find a common topic, cannot identify with your views and way of doing things. It's the little differences that snowball and pull me apart, and there's always this awkwardness that sets in when I'm with you. Well, almost always. More often than not, I find it really difficult to talk to you and be my natural self. I'm making an effort though. But if you want to be exclusive and unaccommodating, there's nothing I can do. Can't you see that I'm already trying? Why can't you do the same? I'm so tired of this.

Hall 3 Friend

Okay, this is really cool. I always knew that Alvin (ex-colleague at e2i, another temp staff) stays at Hall 3, blk 3C but didn't know which block was 3C. Until today. And that he could look into my room from his pantry :O

Start of University Life

So much has passed since I last posted... God has been showering me with blessing after blessing, helping me to adapt to my new school, new friends, new environment.

I attended NTU's Cultural Activities Club (CAC) Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) for 5 days 4 nights, where I had my first clubbing experience, first SP and initiation night, first glipse of how a uni FOC was like. It was then that I got a culture shock too. Suddenly everyone was speaking in Chinese and talking about Chinese singers I didn't know exist. Lol.

I went for the Psychology Society's FOC which lasted 2 days and a night, where I got to know some people from my course. It wasn't really a camp, more like a gathering and for you to mingle with course mates.

I got rejected from HSS FOC as there were too many people and I didn't send in my application early enough. hahaha.

I got rejected for Hall 12 FOC... initially. Until Amelia emailed Boyang and Glenn (the Chair and Vice-Chair) pleading for them to take us in. By God's grace, they did and we were integrated into the large Hall 12 family.. I am still thankful that we managed to go for this camp, for it is kind of like the only way we could really get to know the others from our hall. I have since made friends beyond that of my OG, had numerous activities with Kriffin, went for a Joint Hall Bash with them (aka clubbing) where about half of us went wild.....

These 3 weeks in hall actually went smoother than expected, though I've had some moments where I simply did not want to talk to anyone, especially recently during the hall bash. There were emotions and thoughts that were spilling out of my mind, I didn't know how to organise or express them properly. Lessons have started and already, I'm behind in my readings. I don't know how I'm going to continue with my sociology elective. The readings all make no sense to me, though I thought I could do culture and globalisation perfectly fine. I'm suddenly thankful that I'm majoring in psychology and not sociology.

I'm so sleepy I could drift off right here, right now in my dining room with my elbow resting on my psychology textbook. yawns.

NDP-induced Traffic Jams

See link here http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/stomp/sgseen/this_urban_jungle/397980/traffic_jam_at_nicoll_highway_is_actually_ndp_2010_motorcade.html#commentSection

I second the majority of the STOMPers' comments. I believe the committee has made it clear enough that there would be road closures in view of the parade rehearsals. It has been widely broadcasted to make sure the public is aware of this. Still, people choose to be ignorant and end up complaining about this. Oh well. Their loss.

By the way, it's really fun to be part of the NDP. I'm an usher this year :D Get to watch free parade and ceremony (but 6 times over..), get 2 free tickets to NE1/CR4, and better still.... get to see lots of men in uniform!!!! Haha. Yes all these over 5 Saturdays and a Monday.

How can I keep from singing

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is your love
How can I keep from shouting your name
I know i am loved by the king
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

LSBC Church Camp 2010

Photos in this post are (reproduced without permission) from Yeo Mei's camera. Many thanks, girl. Please don't remove the photos from Facebook or they'll be gone from here too! I didn't save the eeemages, just got the URLs off your album.


This year's church camp was held at The Legend Hotel, KL, with about 750 campers comprising of the elderly, adults, young adults, youth, children and BABIES!! Needless to say, this was another awesome camp with a different set of memories and experiences. The next step is how to maintain this spiritual high that was encountered during the camp.

There were 3 40-seater coaches and 7 or 8 26-seater coaches I think. Those in uncle James' cell and Nelson's cell were in the same coach, together with a couple of other adults and some 17-yr-olds. You could say that our coach was rather lively.

When we arrived at the Malaysia Customs, the group split to join different queues to get our passports stamped. I joined the queue with 4 17yo guys in my coach. And out of the 4, 2 of them couldn't get through because apparently they had been asked to change their passport photos earlier.. which they didn't do. They held up the queue and I had to shout for help (i.e. get the attention of Nelson/Rebecca) to settle this issue. Thank God they eventually got through.. wonder what Nelson said to get them through.

Image 1: Waiting for Nelson to settle the passport photo issue

Journey there was smooth and comfortable :)

Image 2: zzzzzzzzzzzzz

We were greeted like VIPs upon arrival at the hotel. First we were received by the hotel staff who made a path for us to walk through, and welcomed us as we walked through. This was followed by the church elders who stood by a red carpet and welcoming us with noisemakers of all sorts. Party poppers, rattles, you name it. All of us were like, O_O WOW what a reception! Hahaha. But I must say that the hotel staff lived up to their first impression which they left on us. They are really polite. They even say good morning/evening to you when you're walking at the corridor! No pics of the staff though. And there were a few cute waiters. heh heh.

Image 3: This was at the hotel's entrance :)

The food there was only so-so, not THAT bad but not fantastic either. Uncle James (cell ldr) was displeased with almost every dish. He brought us to Madam Kwan's at the Pavilion, near Berjaya Times Square... and boy, THE FOOD WAS SO GOOD I COULD EAT ENOUGH FOR 2 PEOPLE but of course I paiseh, though he said to order whatever and how much we liked, I just ate like a lady. Madam Kwan's makes the hotel food pale in comparison!! Such is the standard of our cell leader. haha. The lunch was on him, and I wonder how much he actually paid. . . .

Image 4: Digging in

Images 5 & 6: Before and after. Food tastes better than it looks.

Image 7: A happy UJC (Uncle James' Cell) outside the restaurant

Singaporeans need to take the trains in KL, experience a train ride for themselves before complaining about our MRT system. Like Emelyn posted on Facebook, I've really come to appreciate our trains a lot more. They're faster, higher in frequency, easier to purchase single-trip tickets, easier to change trains at interchanges, and passengers are considerably more thoughtful. I was disgusted to see how people shoved their way INto the monorail in KL while other passengers were trying to get OUT. And it was SO packed we had to forgo 3 monorails before we finally managed to squeeze ourselves into an emptier train. (no photo sorry) Oh gosh, the horror. That's why we pay higher fares in Singapore too I guess.

Image 8: Cell at Hang Tuah station

Image 9: Another cell at same station

We took the train to Mid Valley on the second day, more than 30 of us. Imagine such a large group walking to the station, purchasing tickets and boarding the train together. It was fun though :)

Images 10 & 11: Our 3osomething-strong group. See background

Image 12: Inside the Ladies' Coach

Image 13: Part of the group

Magnum in Malaysia is really CHEAP (relative to that of Singapore's). One Magnum costs RM3.50 in 7-eleven there, but is I think S$3.90 here. So a lot of us took the chance to indulge in a stick of Magnum ice-cream while we were there after a bak kut teh supper on the first night. (no photos)

My roommate was Jacelyn, again :D

Image 14: Mei nu Jacelyn who was coughing badly throughout the whole camp :(

We forgot to take our groceries after making payment for them at Cold Storage, and only went back 2 days later to retrieve them. Win already. hahahha.

We had a girls night on the second night where girls from the two cells (Nelson's and James') gathered to chill over snacks and some...gossip. hehe. Nothing like a good night with the girls!

On the last day, our coach was one of the last to arrive at the hotel.. so there was lots of camwhoring to pass time :)

Image 15: Very bored Bus B passengers

Images 16: Erm.. wow.

Image 17: One of the last photos taken before someone shouts "BUS B!!!!!!", which was followed by cheers from its passengers. Oh, and our coach number was 7878 :)

--

This year's theme revolved around the goodness of God, and breakthroughs in our personal life and in church.

During the discussion within our cell groups, the topic of serving in a ministry was brought up again. And that was when Michelle, the only other cell mate who is not currently serving, revealed that she has decided to join the Hospitality Team. I was still undecided, and that kinda put greater pressure on me to make up my mind and take action soon instead of sitting around and not doing anything.

For 2.5 years, I have been inactive in service to the church (or, serving God in the church) because I chose to join the AC Chinese Orchestra because I really wanted to be part of an orchestra/ensemble, and both practices clashed. I have been ministry-less ever since. Been thinking of what to join but I just could not come to a conclusion.

People who know me well know that I enjoy performing as part of an ensemble or orchestra, producing music in a group. It's something I have been doing since primary school, and something I intend to do for as long as I can. This has been planned out long ago.. I joined ACCO (where I picked up the erhu) so that I can continue to be part of a performing arts group in university. Because they don't have handbells (which I played in sec sch) or angklungs (pri sch). Music is so much a part of me that I don't ever want to give it up.

I don't think I have mentioned this before, but I communicate with God through songs whenever I can. I find that I can better express myself when I do this. Things which cannot be put into songs are put across through the normal mode of communication - prayer. You see, when words fail, music speaks... and that is something most of us musicians cannot deny.

During the Holy Spirit Night on the third night of the camp, people got ministered to, deliverance took place, God moved among us. It was also through this session that God spoke to me and suddenly everything seemed to fall into place. All the elders and their wives prayed for every camper who wanted to receive prayer and a word from God. The matching of camper to elder was entirely random, which makes it even more freaky when a prophecy is made which the receiver can 100% relate too.

Elder Melvin Gan prayed for me, and he started out with tongues, where my mind was just blank. I expected something to happen, but I just didn't know what. Then he said he felt that the word the Lord had for me was 'Music'.

As he said that, something stirred within me, and I couldn't stop crying after that. Why?

1. Music has always been something very dear to my heart
2. I've been doubting whether my gifting does lie in music cos I cant seem to play/sing as well as I could before
3. I've stopped serving for 2.5 years now, but am quite hesitant in going back to serving in a ministry, and which to serve in. Deep inside I know I want to go back to the worship team (just unsure of when) but
   part of me says I simply am not good enough
4. Melvin, who prayed for me, has no idea what or how much music actually means to me. Which made God seem even more real.
   

I didn't expect God to have been this specific. It could have been any word in the world, but it was Music that God chose to give to me. Like, wow. It was both reassuring as well as a sort of a confirmation at the same time with regards to which area I should serve in. (I spoke to Wendy about this... and she said to follow my heart, and go audition for it when the opportunity arises. That way I can really be sure)

It's like God is telling me not to doubt Him, or doubt what he has blessed me with. This can be really freaky sometimes, when a single word can be so direct and yet mean so many things, answer so many questions I can't seem to find an answer to. That night, God felt so real, I thought I could reach out a hand and touch Him.

The third night was definitely the highlight of the camp for me. It was so overwhelming I can't even explain how I truly felt then. Strangely, it wasn't the guest speaker's sermons that stuck with me. I gained most from SP's message that God is good, gracious and righteous. Never will he let harm come upon is if it does not make us stronger in character and as a person.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good :)

MYOB - When do we draw the line?

People say, it's best not to poke your noses into others' business. Read: Mind your own business, or MYOB. In Singapore terms, it simply means not to be a kaypoh because others may not like it.

It is only natural for human beings to want to know more about what is going on around them, especially when it involves the people they know or care about. Take the school or workplace, for example. It may be a piece of juicy news (scandal, perhaps) or even a bit of information on a devastating event in someone's life. News spread fast, as observation of others' speech and actions eventually lead observers to make their own analysis and inferences, assuming that the subject did not give them a full account of their behaviour and actions. Humans just need to know about what is going on, even if it doesn't concern them at all.

And why does it (people's own inferences) spread? Well... the stimulation of discussion between and among individuals help to bond them together, maybe? There's also the need to hear what others' opinions may be, and to contribute their own to the story.

Of course, humans' need to know is subjective. People may be purely ignorant on current affairs of the country or world, and not bother to find out, out of sheer laziness (or bochup-ness). One explanation for this may be that such events are always happening, always changing, and it does not affect people's life directly. i.e. they are taking place far from home, where people cannot imagine themselves in those situations, or they simply cannot be bothered.

News is always jucier if you have to or happen to find out about them and draw your own conclusions. As mentioned above, this is usually discussed with other beings. When do we draw the line, though? When does such knowledge become gossip, and eventually, betrayal of friendship? Something may be entrusted to someone but that someone just HAS to share it, to hear another person's opinion with regards to that matter. Is there such a thing as knowing to much?

SHeesh, I wanna do up an essay with lots and lots of rhetorical questions (the exact thing my GP teacher said to avoid) but I'm just typing whatever comes to my mind, which is not the least bit coherent! AND my laptop battery is running low, it's gonna blow soon.

Very unfortunately

It happens all the time.. It has happened way too many times...

I wish this would numb it or make me immune to it, but no, it's always the same piercing knowledge that a particular situation would never take place. It's always the same scenario, and yet I fall prey to it.

Why can't I learn my lesson??? Don't place too much hope, because when the disappointment comes, I will not be able to bear it. And this is happening all over again.

I have a weak heart. The disappointment that accompanies the hopes raised in vain does nothing to sooth the ache. Now I truly understand why people say "my heart is bleeding". I can't find another way to describe it.

I also know why people say, ignorance is bliss.

But is it better to be blinded and to go on hoping in vain, or to know about something and face it's implications? I really don't know which is better. I guess this also depends on the context of the situation. In my case, I would choose....neither. Just MOVE ON, MAN! Urgh.

Again, this is just one of the moments. Which will pass. I pray that it will pass quickly, and leave me in peace.

One step closer to NTU...

Goodbye, FASS!! Even though I felt a sudden urge to do Social Work on Saturday...

Prayer is really powerful.

I dreaded work so much this morning (because of some mistakes I made + inefficiency in my response to instructions that resulted in a not very happy boss as expressed in an email), I had no idea how I was going to pull through the day, let alone the week and the weeks to come (6 more). But then I prayed hard, and left it to God to set things right for me, just doing my best and with a little more focus in my work today. And all ended well, with me feeling really high after ASK workshop and so I rewarded myself with a cup of KOI bubble tea at Chinatown with Felicia :D Not to mention, my boss even bought my partner and I a cup of soya bean drink (which I spilled, by the way.. CLUMSY) and beancurd this morning.

Those mistakes and slightly harsh words did make a strong impact on me I guess. Now I put in triple the effort to avoid them. More tiring, but higher satisfaction level.

I am always and will always be awed by how God can help me make a 180deg turn within such a short time. In this case, it would be my mood today... which, strangely, spurs me on to perform better the next day, and the next, and the next. .........


In the end, just to hear You say, "Well done".

Glad to be appreciated :) Nothing can be more satisfying than hearing 'Thank You' after you've done your best.

-----

Today's my first day with my new team.

My Events heads told me the wrong thing -.- I'll be under another head, not the supposedly scarier one. hahaha. I'm more or less okay with my new team. So far. Still adapting.

Still digesting the fact that I won't be at events ever again.

Change of Setting

Tomorrow will be my last time running events with my Events Team.

Come Monday, I will be working under a different department, one which I have been perceiving as.....hell. Under the worst boss any temp could have in the company, or so I've gathered. I may be wrong.

When 2 of the heads in my team broke the news to me today, I was just too stunned for words. After that, I couldn't speak without stammering, couldn't see with tears blurring my vision.

(I think I broke down like 4-5 times this afternoon, it was that bad)

Now I think that maybe God arranged this for some divine reason unknown to me. Why else would He make them transfer me over? So that I can voice out for the rest? Opportunities for growth? Make me more confident over the many phone calls to come? I don't know. All I know is that I'm leaving my team of very sweet and welfarish (no such word, I know) and fun-loving people.

:(


Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart; as working for the Lord, not for men.
Colossians 3:23