Psychology is cool. I think.

Things I read from my intro psych textbook today:

1. People who abuse drugs, engage in violent and (teen) sexual activities do not have a problem with their self-esteem. They need positive achievements and prosocial behaviours.

2. (Albert Bandura) Part of personality is a collection of learned behaviour patterns. Through social/observational learning, responses are acquired after watching others' behaviour and the consequences of their behaviour. It is the ability to forsee the consequences of actions, particularly in what happens to others.

3. (Bandura) Reciprocal determinism is the process in which cognitions, behaviour, and the environment mutually influence each other. Each of the three elements reinforces the others. Say, I love music (cognition), so I join a musical ensemble and spend more time with my ensemble mates (social behaviour) in the music studio/room (environment). In a more spiritual sense, I may feel affirmed about my choice because the three elements work to reward me and make me feel good and feel like I've done the right thing. (yea sure, if only this were true)

4. Our behaviour is largely influenced by our sense of power, or locus of control (Julian Rotter). It is an individual's sense of whether control his or her life is maternal or external. I can say that I am master of my own life (internal locus of control), or fate determines what happens to me (external locus of control). Where religion is concerned, I think both are involved though. I know, for one, that my future is in God's hands, and He has plans for me (external). However, since God loves us and gives us the freedom of choice, I can decide what to do, whether I want to be a rebel and walk away from that path, or engage in activities that may lead me closer to His plans (internal).


Psychology over sociology any day, man. At least I can relate to them. Today's soci quiz totally murdered me. I really hope I pass it.

Hollyhoque Contour Bodycon Dress

I'm sad :( Woke up just to catch HH's launch, waited a few minutes, still no launch, decided to give in to my body's need to release waste, came back, and was too late.

My Contour Bodycon Dress - Black in Size S (UK6) was all pending. :'( Really like that dress a lot! :( :(

Downtown East Murder

Pride? Display of 'power' and capabilities? Were those what the teens/tweens wanted by engaging in such an impulsive act?

Alas, it's too late. The deed has been done. 

If convicted, they face the death penalty. No mercy there, they will never see, hear smell, taste, nor feel anything after that..

I wonder how their families are doing now. Their parents must be hardest hit, I mean the fact that their sons' lives are in the hands of the judicial system, not theirs. All those years they've spent trying to bring up their sons gone down the drain, all that blood, sweat and tears wasted just like that, should the boys/men be guilty of murder. Too late to do anything now, besides pray and engage the best lawyers (if they even have financial means to). The defense may not even win the case(s). But as parents, they'd naturally want to do anything within their means to help their beloved sons, even if it means they will lose everything (money to hire lawyer + son if state wins).

Oh dear. I really feel for their parents :( I hope they remain sane and not end up needing psychiatric tests themselves. My limbic system is very active at the moment.

Maybe that's why I do silly things

Kept trying, trying, trying, was so confident that I would get it, but no I NEVER do. It's this kind of frustration that makes me want to give up once and for all, intensifies my inferiority complex (yes I know I have it), and makes me want to do more stupid things like in my previous post to try and forget it all, push it all away, pretend this never had to happen. It's times like this that I feel I simply am not good enough, and will never be good enough.

And I yearn to go back to where I can be accepted and 'loved,' even if only for awhile. Though I know that after the whole episode I'll have to face this shit again.

Take this away from me. Please. It's agonising.

Reflections

Early this morning, I learned what it's like to 'live for the moment', and experienced its post-event symptoms. It's not worth it. Honestly.

A full account of this has been drafted but will remain unpublished.

NTU CF!

Okay, Amelia, Victoria and myself are finally joining NTU Christian Fellowship. After like, 2+ months. We are finally going to put our lives back in order. Not that it hasn't been, but it just is more complete to have a CG within school (in addition to UJC* in church :P), it keeps us sane and stops us from drifting from God. At least that's how I feel about this. Definitely helps to have a support group in school. :)

Gonna get back on track again, and I can't wait to restart on this journey!!


*Uncle James' Cell

Just a thought

Wonder why I keep breaking down.

Rejuvenated

Thank you. You have no idea how that felt. It'll be an understatement to say that you were my antidote. If only it could be like this every day... which is kinda impossible.


Sighhh I've got to live in the present and stop drawing on past sensations and memories, which will only become more distant with time.

Why do you keep trying so hard when you know you're just not favoured?

Why BOTHER when at the end of the day, the only thing you gain is dejection?

Do you honestly think such efforts are worth your time and resources? Nobody even notices your existence.

Stop trying to be noticed. You just ain't them. You will never be. Give it up and get a life (oh, I'm sorry, you don't have and can't get one).


One more thing. Quit talking to yourself. It's really foolish.

The Passing of Mrs LKY

The nation mourns the passing of a really great woman, Mdm Kwa Geok Choo, wife of Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew. It is a loss to him, to our country.

MM Lee's eulogy here (source: CNA) shows a a summary of their life together. This is the epitome of true love.

Rest in peace, Mrs Lee. You will always remain in our hearts.

Changes

Once you reach a certain stage, you stop being concerned about what others think you are (at least almost), you stop longing to belong somewhere, you stop searching for your supposed self-identity. You engage in activities that have significantly more impact on your future. You look at what happens in the long run, weigh the implications of sacrificing the time spent on things you do today that would shape your tomorrow, with the instant gratification received from other activities that will not last.

You become... more emo, for lack of a better word. More reflective, more thoughtful. Your score soars on the 'worries' scale. You're not sure you even want to have a social life. You are lost, even though the map in your hands clearly states the direction you ought to go. You think, it's not that simple - not everything can be put down in paper and ink. The complexity is unseen, unheard, only experienced by the subject.

You need something more than a map and a compass. You need guidance from above, spiritual and divine help the human mind cannot comprehend. You bow your head, arms raised in surrender. You mentally throw out everything within you, trusting in the unseen with absolute faith that the weight you carry will be taken away from you. You just need to believe. Believe. Believe.

The Thrill of Running

Running takes your mind off things. Makes you focus on the route ahead, your breathing rate, the stinging by the side of your body, anything but the baggage Life thrusts to you. You leave its contents strewn in a trail as you set off on your journey, however short it may be.

Much to your dismay, you are made to pick up your mess as you return from your pilgrimage, place them back into the awful bag bestowed by Life. It all comes back to you then, slowly but surely.

You can't run away forever. You've got to face it sooner or later. Come back to it. It'll always be waiting for you, there's no escape.

Responsibilities, commitments, trust, and many more which have to be upheld. More to come.

10th JCRC Rally Hall 12

Each Hall in NTU will go through a period of Junior Common Room Committee (JCRC) campaigning, rallying and polling to elect the next batch of students worthy of 'governing' each hall's social, sports and welfare matters, just to name a few.

I have just attended Hall 12's two days of rallying, and the response from its residents - based on both days' turnout - had my eyebrows raised. I don't know about the rest, but I felt that as a hall resident, it is important to know who are the candidates running for the JCRC, and who are the ones who would eventually make decisions on your behalf whenever hall matters are concerned. It was also my first time experiencing such a political event since, well, I'm under 21 and I can't vote for Singapore's next ruling party. I also felt it necessary to be there for 3 of my seniors who are running for JCRC, even though they had their rally yesterday. As an aesthetics performer, I know how it feels like to know that someone is there watching you and being with you (though physically far away) when you are involved in something important to you. So yeah, even though my OG was busying themselves with recreational sports elsewhere, I felt I had to stay at the rally... at least my conscience feels better :)

Having seen almost all the candidates speak, I must say that there is a lot that I can learn from them. I have almost zero public speaking skills, I cannot speak in front of a crowd under pressure, and my nervousness will just give me away. I don't even know if I even have half their certainty that this Hall is worth giving up all other commitments (like school CCAs) for. Not to mention the politics that are bound to arise within the committee, or the skepticism that hall residents may have towards the JCRC. As someone who is very concerned about how people perceive me to be, I simply don't have the guts to step forward like they do. I don't know if I ever will have too. Ha haa.



That aside... I really need to catch up on my studying. I have countless readings to do, and though it may look like I'm always studying, the fact remains that my courses and electives require me to READ and READ and READ and I do not really have a choice but to look like I am a hardcore mugger :( SIGH!

Jesus Take The Wheel

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat
Sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh

Sometimes, it's not that I want to be anti-social and distance myself away from the lot of you. I just cannot find a common topic, cannot identify with your views and way of doing things. It's the little differences that snowball and pull me apart, and there's always this awkwardness that sets in when I'm with you. Well, almost always. More often than not, I find it really difficult to talk to you and be my natural self. I'm making an effort though. But if you want to be exclusive and unaccommodating, there's nothing I can do. Can't you see that I'm already trying? Why can't you do the same? I'm so tired of this.

Hall 3 Friend

Okay, this is really cool. I always knew that Alvin (ex-colleague at e2i, another temp staff) stays at Hall 3, blk 3C but didn't know which block was 3C. Until today. And that he could look into my room from his pantry :O

Start of University Life

So much has passed since I last posted... God has been showering me with blessing after blessing, helping me to adapt to my new school, new friends, new environment.

I attended NTU's Cultural Activities Club (CAC) Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) for 5 days 4 nights, where I had my first clubbing experience, first SP and initiation night, first glipse of how a uni FOC was like. It was then that I got a culture shock too. Suddenly everyone was speaking in Chinese and talking about Chinese singers I didn't know exist. Lol.

I went for the Psychology Society's FOC which lasted 2 days and a night, where I got to know some people from my course. It wasn't really a camp, more like a gathering and for you to mingle with course mates.

I got rejected from HSS FOC as there were too many people and I didn't send in my application early enough. hahaha.

I got rejected for Hall 12 FOC... initially. Until Amelia emailed Boyang and Glenn (the Chair and Vice-Chair) pleading for them to take us in. By God's grace, they did and we were integrated into the large Hall 12 family.. I am still thankful that we managed to go for this camp, for it is kind of like the only way we could really get to know the others from our hall. I have since made friends beyond that of my OG, had numerous activities with Kriffin, went for a Joint Hall Bash with them (aka clubbing) where about half of us went wild.....

These 3 weeks in hall actually went smoother than expected, though I've had some moments where I simply did not want to talk to anyone, especially recently during the hall bash. There were emotions and thoughts that were spilling out of my mind, I didn't know how to organise or express them properly. Lessons have started and already, I'm behind in my readings. I don't know how I'm going to continue with my sociology elective. The readings all make no sense to me, though I thought I could do culture and globalisation perfectly fine. I'm suddenly thankful that I'm majoring in psychology and not sociology.

I'm so sleepy I could drift off right here, right now in my dining room with my elbow resting on my psychology textbook. yawns.

NDP-induced Traffic Jams

See link here http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/stomp/sgseen/this_urban_jungle/397980/traffic_jam_at_nicoll_highway_is_actually_ndp_2010_motorcade.html#commentSection

I second the majority of the STOMPers' comments. I believe the committee has made it clear enough that there would be road closures in view of the parade rehearsals. It has been widely broadcasted to make sure the public is aware of this. Still, people choose to be ignorant and end up complaining about this. Oh well. Their loss.

By the way, it's really fun to be part of the NDP. I'm an usher this year :D Get to watch free parade and ceremony (but 6 times over..), get 2 free tickets to NE1/CR4, and better still.... get to see lots of men in uniform!!!! Haha. Yes all these over 5 Saturdays and a Monday.

How can I keep from singing

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is your love
How can I keep from shouting your name
I know i am loved by the king
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne