At least I can say this with conviction

I have the peace of the Lord which surpasses human understanding;
I know that I have done my best;
I live without regrets.

death of yet another NSF

Though they cannot see this,

here's my heartfelt condolences to the family of the late Eugin Wee. 

Nobody expected such an accident to happen within such a short period of time, following the death of another NSF not too long ago. We would expect the SAF to put extra precautionary measures after the previous fatal accident, who knows whether they did...?

It's easy to put the blame on the driver and all, but bear in mind that he's human too and he's probably in trauma, regretting that he hadn't been more careful. No matter how much he regrets, it won't do a thing to change the situation. To quote a user on Yahoo Singapore, he'd probably have to "carry this burden for the rest of his life."

I wonder how the family is coping. They've been hit the hardest.

But then again, according to a friend, there are many of such accidents that go unreported. So there are a lot of angry Singaporeans out there, not counting the NSFs themselves. Well I just cannot imagine any of my friends ending up like that, especially since most guy friends my age are serving the nation now....

The use of profanities

I've said this before, and I"ll say it again.

No, I do not condone the use of profanities.

Though its use is very common now, and I have have countless friends using them, I cringe whenever I hear any one of it. Call me a coward, conservative, whatever. I don't care. Believe it or not, I've never used one in my life. And it shall continue to stay that way, no matter how pissed I may be at any point of time.

Like now, maybe.

Most of the time, I blog when I'm emotional.

This means that

1. Things may sound more inflated than they really are.
2. My choice of words and phrases may be harsher - and in layman terms, blown-up - than they would when I am not experiencing an emotional high or low.
3. I need an avenue to express myself, and I do so with an assumption that people don't bother to look for my blog, because I am (honestly, it's how I perceive myself to be) an insignificant figure. Hence I am not embarrassed about having my posts on the Internet. However, my previous post, typed when I wasn't in the best of moods, generated some strong opposition. That post is now saved as a draft, unpublished, to prevent further damage.

Silence may be golden, but too much of it does more harm to the individual who's bearing it.

--

I just spent $120 on textbooks (still short of one) for the new sem, one of them is my developmental psych text. I flipped to the content page, and saw that right at the very end was death. I read some of that, thinking that it may be applicable to my current situation. Needless to say, I could not go on reading it, however objective it may be.

--

Please let the liaising go smoothly!

Year 1 Sem 2 is going to be hectic

Okay. As of now, I have a few projects which I'm involved in

1. Happy Halls (Psych Soc)

2. Psychology FOC (Psych Soc)
3. Preparation of gifts for PHP confidants (Psych Soc/SCC)

4. Hall FOC (Hall12, which will not come in until much later. PHEW)

5. Civilisation Supper (Hall12)

6. Civ notice board (Hall12)

7. Hall Olympiad Closing Ceremony (Dance) (Hall12)

My goodness. This may not look like a lot, I mean compared to the others who have a thousand and one projects under their wing, but it's a lot to me because I believe what is said in Colossians 3:23. So either I give 100%, or nothing at all. If I'm going to give my 100%, I'd have to be involved in fewer things, right? Not that those who are burdened with many of such projects aren't doing them well; I salute them for their ability to do so. It's just that I cannot be like them, hence I there has to be a limit and it looks like I'm not being involved enough...... 

An ex-classmate

Well, I've just read a couple of posts from an old classmate's blog and I'm appalled by what she posts and portrays herself to be. From what I've read, this is what I have gathered

1. She has a foul temper, with a tendency for violence (throwing things around).
2. She complains more than anyone else I know.
3. She is obsessed with her appearance. I don't know how many times she has gone for surgery to improve how her lips, eyes, boobs, and whatever else looks.
4. She loves money. In fact, she loves it so much, she shows that she is easily pleased by money. She would give up what she doesn't like for money, at the expense of something else. For example, she is angry with her boyfriend. Bf gives her a new polaroid camera, and she is not angry anymore. Later, she is back to complaining and sulking again.
5. She hates school (she is studying in a polytechnic)
6. She wants to go to a university. I mean, HELLO, if you can't even go through a day of school without thinking of how you detest it and how the whole world owes you something, you will never live through a semester in uni. Dream on, man. And she wants to study communications and/or psychology, and she can't even spell 'psychology' correctly. Are you kidding me?
7. She spends like her dad is Steve Jobs. By that, I mean excessively, once again more than anyone else I know.
8. Her world revolves around - who else - herself.

I'm sorry but I really cannot take it when I read about or come across such people. She seems to equate love with money. i.e. if her parents love her, they should feed her with more money so that she can fulfill her material wants and her countless nights of partying.

I am utterly disgusted. Hate to say this, but after you read her blog, you would think that I'm an angel. This is how bad it is.

staying awake again

My family's not on night shift today, we're all at home and they're sleeping but I can't sleep. I keep thinking of my grandma and how much I miss her. Then I think of my grandpa and my heart aches even more...

I feel as if I'm being really childish but *sigh* I want my grandma so bad... I just wonder how long it'll take before I can fully absorb the fact that she's gone for good and crying for her wont make her come back.

I wish I could hug someone right now :( Being alone clearly is disastrous. My thoughts stray too far, too much. and I pine for what cannot be mine anymore.

staying awake

... for night shift at a funeral wake is not the most exciting thing. It's kinda boring.

I have not cried for the past 12 hours. Achievement? Maybe it's just building up. Popo looks so different in there with all that makeup on. So different from when I last saw her. I gotta look at her a couple more times before her body's gone for good on Tuesday, which is also the day I get my exam results.

UJC came today... It's comforting to have the cell group with me, so I'm really thankful for that. I think a few more friends are gonna come down during the next two to three days, so thank you in advance. I could do with your company. Now I know how my friends who've lost loved ones feel when we make an appearance at their relatives' wakes.

It's so quiet here.

Popo, I really really love you. Why must you go so soon? Why?

Just two Sundays ago, I saw my grandma in church, still able to interact with people around her, and able to walk with some help. That was the last time I saw her (relatively) healthy.

Last Saturday, in the wee hours of the morning, she was sent to the hospital as she was in extreme pain and had difficulty breathing. Each time I went to visit her, her condition seemed to deteriorate, and I cannot help but feel more helpless and afraid.  She was still fine on Sunday and Monday night, able to hold my hand, see me and acknowledge my presence in the ward. She could still talk a little. Last night when I went back again, well, I couldn't recognise my grandma at all. She was just... so disoriented, semi-conscious, I doubt she even knew who was at her bed side.

I admit, I have often thought of what would happen if my grandma were to end up like this, I knew that one day she would have to leave me, leave all of us. But I never thought it would be THAT soon.

I really don't know what to do.

I'm so scared, so very scared. That's what I've been telling people who ask about my popo (grandma in Chinese). She's in the high dependency ward, and all I could do was just hold her hand when I visited her just now. I feel so helpless.

one of those moments

where you feel like life is not worth living for.

where you know you need to pray and intercede.

where you know that the decision is not yours to make.

where you know that there is no 'undo'.

the closing of another chapter

2010 has been a year of many firsts. Below is a brief summary.

1. First ever job interview which landed me in e2i, no working experience before this.
2. First year in LSBC's YWA zone :)
3. Volunteering experience for a national event - NDP, then SYOG. (the next event was SCMS)
4. Orientation camps in university, starting with CAC, then Psych, then Hall.
5. Clubbing. (not once, but 5 times within 6 months omg)
6. First (academic year) in 12 years not being in a music CCA.
7. Living away from home for long periods of time (hall) and hence, doing my own laundry.
8. The start of university life.
9. ADULT FARES FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORT :(
10. Exams that stretch till Christmas.
11. Joining dance (in hall). Again, with zero prior experience.
12. Vomitting in the car. Haha.


There were many transitions, many instances whereby I had to navigate around on my own.It was hard trying to deal with the new level of independence that accompanies a new phase of education. My degrees of freedom widened by quite a bit, but that was more or less manageable, thank God. Speaking of that, I'm guilty of not including God in my decision-making, where I tried to handle most (actually, all) of them on my own... which, in the process, resulted in several emotional lows.

Post to be continued. I hope. haha.

I've got a fever, I'm hot, I can't be stopped

Things to be thankful for:
1. EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!
2. Fever came after my exams, not before

What really sucks:
1. Thanks to my fever, I'm sitting in my room in hall rotting away instead of clubbing with my psych mates.
2. The exams didn't go well.

Haha, maybe it's God's way of telling me not to party so hard, since I already went with Shengkun and co. last Friday. Before the end of my exams, can you believe that?! I can't! ha ha ha! (okay, must be the fever)

Anyway here's some cool stuff I found on the Internet. Like, wow okay I didn't know that.

Fever serves as one of the body's natural defenses against bacteria and viruses which cannot live at a higher temperature. For that reason, low fevers should normally go untreated, unless accompanied by troubling symptoms.
Also, the body's defense mechanisms seem to work more efficiently at a higher temperature. Fever is just one part of an illness, many times no more important than the presence of other symptoms such as cough, sore throat, fatigue, joint pains or aches, chills, nausea, etc.
(Source: http://www.medicinenet.com/aches_pain_fever/article.htm)

So there's some bacterial or viral infection in my body which explains the elevated temperature?

Maybe it's true

Not long ago, some of my course mates and I submitted our group project for HP102. The hypothesis?

Upward comparison leads to a lower temporal satisfaction with life.

The thing is, I wrote most of the introduction. And though there was insufficient evidence to support our hypothesis, I personally think this hypothesis is true. It's growing on me right now. Whatever was in the introduction of our report is being projected through myself now. I cannot, however, define the duration of 'temporal' here because I have no clue when it will actually come to an end. Temporal would simply mean that it's not permanent.

When your closest peers have all found or have almost found their other half, and you find that you are still very much alone, trust me, you'd wonder if you'd ever meet yours too. Research in cognitive science has shown that humans always make comparisons, and this comes naturally (Strauss & Quinn, 1997). (I'm trying to rephrase my own work here so that I would not appear to be plagiarising my own work. Oh, the frustration.) It gets harder when, as mentioned above, your closest peers (in fact, every one of them) have something and the realisation hits you that you don't have it. This is the reality, the effect of upward social comparison on the perception of your own life. I don't know, I may have experienced cognitive dissonance upon completion of that report, such that my cognitions are being altered so that I actually agree (100%) with the hypothesis, even though we had insufficient statistical data to support it. This feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction certainly is bothering me, (it's salient and I know it, no need to measure my life satisfaction before and after this awareness,) especially when my exams have just begun and there is this battle going on in my head. All the competing stimuli is getting to me and well, I need to filter some out. It's really depressing.

Today, right now, more than any other time, there is a need to trust God and stop trying to analyse my own life and situations. I hate it when I do this, running to God only when I need help. I really do.

I feel like going to a place where I can be alone and pray, confess and voice my deepest thoughts. Away from the presence of people, away from all worldly distractions. Just me, and my Father.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh HELLPPPPPPPPP I DONT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE

okay. Firstly, why do we strive so hard for something that's not tangible? (Like, studying so hard for my five papers within the next 2 weeks?) What is our motivation (all processes involved in initiating, directing and maintaining physical and psychological activities) behind this? It's partially because this gives us an extrinsic motivation, as in monetary gains in the future and a competitive edge in society. Psychologists believe in the need for achievement (n Ach), which is a mental state that gives us a psychological motive to excel or reach some goal, mainly at the conscious level. When we finally manage to achieve that goal, we may be rewarded - intrinsically or extrinsically.


Personality disorders. They show themselves in chronic patterns of poor judgment, disordered thinking, emotional disturbances, disrupted social relationships, or lack of impulse control.


The Pearson correlation measures the degree and direction of linear relationship between two variables. it is computed by r=(covariability of X and Y)/(variability of X and Y separately)

Exams... in December?

As the time draws nearer to the examinations - less than a week now - the stress level once again reaches another peak. It's not THAT high a maximum yet for me, because well. It's not near enough. But the mere look at the stack of notes and textbooks on my desk is enough to will me into studying, a good enough indicator of how much I don't know and how much I need to know.

Currently in the midst of reversing my abnormal body clock back to normality.

Currently deliberately removing myself from civilisation. But still in touch with the world through Facebook :)

While others are playing and enjoying themselves out there, the studying level at NTU has reached an all-time high ....

Oh my gosh I need to study.

Psychology is cool. I think.

Things I read from my intro psych textbook today:

1. People who abuse drugs, engage in violent and (teen) sexual activities do not have a problem with their self-esteem. They need positive achievements and prosocial behaviours.

2. (Albert Bandura) Part of personality is a collection of learned behaviour patterns. Through social/observational learning, responses are acquired after watching others' behaviour and the consequences of their behaviour. It is the ability to forsee the consequences of actions, particularly in what happens to others.

3. (Bandura) Reciprocal determinism is the process in which cognitions, behaviour, and the environment mutually influence each other. Each of the three elements reinforces the others. Say, I love music (cognition), so I join a musical ensemble and spend more time with my ensemble mates (social behaviour) in the music studio/room (environment). In a more spiritual sense, I may feel affirmed about my choice because the three elements work to reward me and make me feel good and feel like I've done the right thing. (yea sure, if only this were true)

4. Our behaviour is largely influenced by our sense of power, or locus of control (Julian Rotter). It is an individual's sense of whether control his or her life is maternal or external. I can say that I am master of my own life (internal locus of control), or fate determines what happens to me (external locus of control). Where religion is concerned, I think both are involved though. I know, for one, that my future is in God's hands, and He has plans for me (external). However, since God loves us and gives us the freedom of choice, I can decide what to do, whether I want to be a rebel and walk away from that path, or engage in activities that may lead me closer to His plans (internal).


Psychology over sociology any day, man. At least I can relate to them. Today's soci quiz totally murdered me. I really hope I pass it.

Hollyhoque Contour Bodycon Dress

I'm sad :( Woke up just to catch HH's launch, waited a few minutes, still no launch, decided to give in to my body's need to release waste, came back, and was too late.

My Contour Bodycon Dress - Black in Size S (UK6) was all pending. :'( Really like that dress a lot! :( :(

Downtown East Murder

Pride? Display of 'power' and capabilities? Were those what the teens/tweens wanted by engaging in such an impulsive act?

Alas, it's too late. The deed has been done. 

If convicted, they face the death penalty. No mercy there, they will never see, hear smell, taste, nor feel anything after that..

I wonder how their families are doing now. Their parents must be hardest hit, I mean the fact that their sons' lives are in the hands of the judicial system, not theirs. All those years they've spent trying to bring up their sons gone down the drain, all that blood, sweat and tears wasted just like that, should the boys/men be guilty of murder. Too late to do anything now, besides pray and engage the best lawyers (if they even have financial means to). The defense may not even win the case(s). But as parents, they'd naturally want to do anything within their means to help their beloved sons, even if it means they will lose everything (money to hire lawyer + son if state wins).

Oh dear. I really feel for their parents :( I hope they remain sane and not end up needing psychiatric tests themselves. My limbic system is very active at the moment.