3 down, 2 to go

I stayed in hall last weekend to study for my major mods.. 2 cores and a PE. This week I'm headed to church from hall, and am returning back after lunch to study for my 2 electives.

Can't really see, but here's my OOTD!

Shirtdress: Hollyhoque
Belt: Hollyhoque
Shoes: Giovanna
Bag: UK

Love this dress because of the jersey cotton material and its comfort :)

Try me. Go on.

Two more days

Since Monday this week, exactly a week to my first paper, I have been religiously waking up at 8.30, proceeding to the Reading Room in hall to reserve a table, having breakfast (set A: half boiled eggs, kaya toast and iced coffee, and sometimes a banana), then sitting at the desk right till 2am. With the occasional lunch/dinner/bathroom/nap breaks of course. It's something I've never done before and never had the discipline to do in my life. So I really thank God for my roomies, Eileen and Deborah, whom i've been able to sustain this routine with. Without them, I really doubt I'd be able to stay calm till now. I have this habit of doing random stuff, everything but study.

So this is the secret to being like those 'hardcore' students from China-

1. Have disciplined roomies.
We influence each other. Really. Even Eileen says she wasn't this hardworking last year (whether or not we actually study for soooo many hours is another thing, haha). We eat together, study together, and sleep together. Life would have been so much more dull and depressing without them. Deb is an inspiration, she displays such determination all the time!

2. Study in a conducive, comfortable place. Preferably one that's highly sought.
My hall's reading room is awesome, large tables, comfy chairs (not those plastic ones), with table light, silent (with the occasional annoying neighbours who takeaway meals - oh, the smell - beside you, mumble to themselves, make noise by fidgeting). Such conduciveness is both a blessing and a curse. It makes residents compete for a table (read: wake up early to reserve one), forcing Eileen and I to wake up early - or face the consequence of not having such comfort for the rest of the day and possibly having affecting productiveness (I have a tendency to relax and do everything UNrelated to studying). It's also good because the presence of others, especially the China students who are incredibly hardworking, somewhat pressures me to revise and not slack. Don't underestimate the power of the (real or imagined) presence of other people, as demonstrated in social psychology studies.

3. Have proper meals.
That's where we get energy to fuel our cognitive and physiological activities. My meals are the ideal breakfast-lunch-dinner structure and not lunch-dinner-supper or dinner-supper like it was during the semester. I feel better this way too.

4. Threaten yourself.
It's what drives me, somehow. If I don't sleep by 3am (ideally - 2am), I wouldn't be able to wake up the next morning, (or wake up feeling utterly like crap and regret not sleeping earlier), I wouldn't be able to get a table in the comfort of the reading room, I wouldn't be studying in the presence of fellow residents who are the epitome of hard work and discipline, I wouldn't be able to sit there and read through my notes for hours without getting some major distraction. I'd then sleep late again, and the cycle repeats. And then regret it at the end of the day, and after the exams. This is the last lap, the only time left to salvage my situation and the lousy assignment/quiz/mid-term grades during the sem.. And it's all about my psychological well-being I guess. Not wanting to feel like shit knowing that I could have at least have my best during this week and yet didn't do it.

Okay that was a lot of time ispent typing this, about 40 minutes gone now. Gotta get back to my notes. Or regret it. Self-threats work for me at least.

First OOTD Post

I find it really amazing that, being in the midst of the intensive revision period right before the exams, i can still blog like this. With a bo liao post like Outfit of The Day (OOTD)

Inspired by the posts those famous bloggers do up. Hahah.

Top: Cotton On
Skirt: Zara (gift from Fiona!)
Belt: Came with another pair of shorts from Bugis Street
Bracelet: New Look, RuGuo

This is so act yi ge, I cannot stand it. Muahahah.

Okay back to studying.

Be righteous. Do what is right, and just. Somebody has to be the 'bad guy'.

Wisdom from Proverbs

I am put in a spot. I have expected this, expected myself to reach this point, and I wondered if I would be able to handle this.

I have not broken down yet. (okay, maybe once, but that was because I was overwhelmed with school work. Whenever I break down, it's always about school work) Thought it would be right to turn to the right Source for help instead of trying to analyse and work things out on my own. I read through my old posts a few days ago and found that back then I really trusted God with everything, and I was mostly... at peace. It could also be due to the fact that I didn't have to deal with what I am dealing with now, but oh, how I long to have that kind of faith I once had. 

Read a bit from the book of Proverbs, and here God reminded me about the importance of wisdom, about the need to be righteous and just

²⁰ My son, pay attention to what I say;
   turn your ear to my words.
²¹ Do not let them out of your sight,
   keep them within your heart;
²² for they are life to those who find them
   and health to one’s whole body.
²³ Above all else, guard your heart,
   for everything you do flows from it.
²⁴ Keep your mouth free of perversity;
   keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
²⁵ Let your eyes look straight ahead;
   fix your gaze directly before you. 
²⁶ Give careful thought to the^[c] paths for your feet
   and be steadfast in all your ways.
²⁷ Do not turn to the right or the left;
   keep your foot from evil.

Proverbs 4: 20-27

I know it is indeed a reminder from God because of the physiological reactions I experience as I read this (increased heart rate being one of them). Here's another one:

¹⁰ The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,    and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. 

Proverbs 9:10

Also, as I read this, I knew that my every action had to have God in mind, whatever I do and think must be a testimony to Him.

¹⁷ Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life,
   but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.
 ¹⁸ Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips
   and spreads slander is a fool.
 ¹⁹ Sin is not ended by multiplying words,
   but the prudent hold their tongues.

Proverbs 10:17-19 

Dear Lord, please guide me as I walk this path. Help me to be a loving person, faithful, and humble. You will show me the way as go along, and I really want to take each step with the assurance that You are with me, and You are providing me with all that I need. Help me to walk in accordance with Your will, Your word, that I may please You and not myself... As I continue to carry out my duties, Lord may You direct me and grant me the wisdom and favour that I will need especially in this area. I commit everything into Your hands - my exams, my duties, the people I work with, among others. I thank You for Your grace that greatly abounds and I know that You will be my guide. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Outdated

Hello.

This space has been very much abandoned :( Basically life has been nothing short of busy. Last year this time I've still had some time to club and all, but this year it's totally different. This is the biggest decision I've made yet 

Hall 12; 11th JCRC. Credits: Bryan, Publication Director. 

Many ask why I decided to step up; this decision came as a surprise to many. I was relatively uninvolved last year, I was a nobody, I was quiet, unimportant. Well I decided that this would change this year. I wanted to do something more.

I'm still trying, to be more proactive, understanding, rational, discerning. I'm learning. 

I would like to thank my friends who have stood beside me, supported me and encouraged me. To the 11th, too, for understanding why I do what I do, cos' ultimately we want the hall to be happy and have a fruitful hall life. 

When the going gets tough, I am constantly reminded that 

1. I get 9 points for a reason.

2. Life isn't all flowers and butterflies. As Yus (my predecessor) once told me, I'll emerge a stronger individual. 

3. God will never leave me nor forsake me.

Hope this is a process of self-actualisation :) 

Thoughts on Evolution

I blog whenever I feel inclined to. Haha.

This semester, I'm taking Evolutionary Psychology as a major prescribed elective. One of the main concerns I've had is about how evolution clashes with my faith, and by studying this subject, my views towards the subject or my faith may.. waver. Still, I'm quite confident that this will not be the case.

Okay, so species exist because of this whole process of natural selection. If this were indeed true (we're not rejecting the possibility), why can't it have happened because God made it this way? Why can't it be that he created the very first batch of organisms, and then let speciation occur by evolution? I know that Darwin proposed that all life evolved and branch out of a common ancestor, a single being. Up till now, I still don't see how, say, we can be similar to a fish.

This whole science vs religion war should just.. vanish. They can complement each other, I think it's just how you look at it.

And for the rest of this semester, I'm just gonna take this approach as I study this course - God allowed natural selection to take place because He sets all rules of nature. Well all accept the part on human evolution, that's just.. ridiculous.

I don't know why I keep letting my guard down. Allow myself enjoy you for awhile, then hurting from the knowledge that I was just one out of the few (or many?) you'd had. You clearly aren't into anything serious.. so why the deception?

Everything is temporary. Nothing is permanent. Except for the Word of God.

You are magnificent,
eternally wonderful, glorious
Jesus, no one ever will compare
to you, Jesus

Two weeks till the start of a new school term. With boldness, with His guidance, I shall step into a fresh academic year, seeking Him in every aspect of my life, involving Him in my every decision. At least that's what I wish to do, and it shall become reality.

I will treasure relationships (friendships) more, because they can be so fragile, as I have learnt this summer. One wrong move, one wrong misinterpretation, and things could go awfully wrong, no matter the perceived strength of the relationship. It takes effort to patch things up. Of course it does... and this I have failed to do.

Other than this, well, I will be extra wary of where and who I invest my time, trust and hopes in. I really hate the feeling of falling hard and the experience of pain from that fall.

We cry 'Holy, holy, holy God'

It's late and I should be sleeping but this is something I simply cannot not blog.

Today's prayer concert (or rather, yesterday's) was simply indescribable.

I went to church, not expecting much, but was given much much more than what my tiny heart could contain. I was distracted from the start.. thinking about stuff, about whether Cheryl was gonna appear beside me since I had seats reserved (she didn't in the end haha). Those thoughts vanished when Pastor Beow Chin came up and made the congregation read verses from Matthew 11. The verses that said, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest .... That slowly started to sink in, and I realised I had been too preoccupied with PFOC, the registrations, emails, payments etc, and I had grown very weary. I was (still am a little) constantly worrying about how the camp will turn out, whether the GLs had emailed or SMSed their freshmen, whether the programmes would turn out okay.. There was just too much that had been on my mind. 

And there, God offered rest. Just when I needed it. 

What was most amazing wasn't just this. It was when Pst Beow Chin did something (I think) nobody would have expected, us being in a brethren church. She said she was going to speak in tongues, and one or more of us from the congregation were going to interpret it. I didn't really know what to expect, until she spoke again in a tongue not understood by us but certainly left an impact on us. I don't know if it was the way she spoke, or the mysteriousness of it all, but I certainly felt a change in the atmosphere. 

People who went up mostly said how God was opening His arms to embrace us, to love us, ... But I felt His holiness in a way that I had never experienced before. I could only stand there, rooted, in awe of His purity and reverence, which just led to weeping. Of course I wasn't the only one who was weeping there.. God's presence was so tangible then, it made me want to go worshiping Him, in proclamation that God's name is holy. 

I didn't go for this year's church camp, but I felt that the encounter at this prayer concert had somehow made up for it. And there's going to be more of such encounters, as I feel that God is going to move in mightier ways in LSBC and in the community. 

Our God is truly an awesome God. 

Coming your way

Still in the midst of typing my OVE post.. Hope to finish it soon. It was nothing short of awesome :)

I've been busy with Psych FOC admin, the freshies have been sending their applications in :) Thank God :) I hope they keep them coming! And need to pray for more psych majors to sign up for the camp too. And the seniors, well I'm trying to work out a suitable date for everyone to have a mass briefing.

On top of that, I'm still thinking of what to do with the logistics. Leave them in HSS building with Psych Division, or move them to Nanyang House. Or ask if we can store them at SAC yet. This is a major headache which I can't avoid, since it's my job...

Reaching Out to CARE

It's the first time I had been away for Singapore for more than a week. My longest time out of the country yet.

No regrets having signed up for NTU Hall 12 OVE 2011.

This remains my favourite photo from the entire trip.. It shows how we're so excited and eager to go out there and do our bit for Cambodia, how we're all prepared and good to go.

Credits: Candice

I could not help but notice the stark contrast between the level of development of Cambodia and that of Singapore. It just made me wonder what's wrong. Why are they still living in such... kampong-type of houses? Why don't they have a proper drainage system? Why are living conditions so much worse than what we have now? Is it because of the inefficiency of government (Cambodian People's Party made sure everyone including the tourists knew who they were by planting signboards everywhere), or the fact that Cambodia is primarily agriculture-based?

After we left Siem Reap for Phnom Penh for R&R, again we saw how different the two states are. It was hard to believe that such major income and infrastructural inequalities exist within the same country. When we passed the hotels and went for buffets (2 dinners 1 lunch), it always made me ache, because after seeing life at Siem Reap, I simply could not absorb the fact that people were living in such poor conditions with such simple meals while we lived like the rich, (again) all within the same country. 

More grateful for what I have now? Yeah, of course. 

Medical help was not exactly accessible... and tourists, unfortunately, get charged with higher consultation fees. At least that was what Chak Mun (our host at the Boys' Brigade Learning Centre, BBLC, at Pouk Village) found out. Marcus decided that I should be taken to the clinic after my body temperature kept rising and remained above 39 degrees on our 2nd last day at BBLC. At first it was at the 37 range, then it increased by at least 1 degree after the absurdly strong wind and rain after lunch, where Shing Kwan walked me back to BBLC and gave the Silk Farm visit a miss. I simply couldn't rest properly that afternoon... so I went out to join my class at their farewell despite the high fever. Bad decision, because my body temperature then rose above 39deg. Ziliang had bought ice for me earlier that day, so that I could be closely monitored sponged (by many friends, it was quite appalling) after that. This happened despite my cries for them to stop. It was that bad, the cold... The tuk tuk ride to and back from the clinic made it worse, my whole body went numb from the cold, such that I couldn't move at all :( Chak Mun and Li Qiao went with me. 

I'm supposed to continue the post.... 

when the meaning of 'home' is questioned

Sometimes I just feel the urge to stay away from home.

Home isn't really home. Just an address on my identification card.


Sometimes hall (12) feels more like home, though there are times where I feel terribly lonely. But right now it seems hall provides more warmth than my residential address does.

Better late than never

Before one can truly enjoy studying, one must have a genuine interest in the subject of study.

And what if that interest is somehow lost?

To simply say that one can ask God for it may sound childish, reflecting a seemingly naive mindset. But doesnt God want us to have child-like faith? To rely on His daily provision (including the motivation and will to study) would be enough to help us live through each day... This, I strongly believe.

No, this is much more than cognitive dissonance.

Bits from HP202

Conscience refers to an internal regulation of standards of right and wrong that involves an integration of all three components of moral development - thought, feeling and behaviour (Kochanska & Aksan, 2007)

Moral development of children 
Piaget - younger children characterised by heteronomous morality (4-7 year-olds, justice and rules can't be changed, properties of the world removed from control of people) and imminent justice (a broken rule results in immediate meting of punishment) , older characterised by autonomous morality (frm 10 years, intentions of the individual are considered, rules are subject to changes, awareness that punishments do not always follow wrongdoing. intentions > consequences)
Kholberg - development from one stage to another is fostered by 1. opportunities to take the perspectives of others and 2. experience of conflict between (i) one's current stage of moral thinking and the (ii) reasoning of someone at a higher level.

when i feel like typing instead of writing

All definitions here are taken from my textbook. Elliot, A., Timothy, D. W., & Robin, M. A. (2010). Social Psychology, (7th ed.). United States, New Jersey: Pearson.

Transactive memory - The combined memory of two people that is more efficient than the memory of either individual. So the memories of individuals together are additive? huh.

Process loss - any aspect of group interaction that inhibits good problem solving.

Resisting

I am very temped to ask you to ____ off, but no, I shall resist, even though your words were really harsh. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive. Either way, you need to watch your tone or our friendship is going to get shakier.

I'm subjected to so much upward comparison every day, it's really scary and stress-inducing. It doesn't help that my social relations are screwed up as well.

Maybe it's because I look so gloomy these days. But how can I not look gloomy when the expectations are so high and I can't live up to them?

Help. Please, help. 

this, among others

(being asked a string of questions, and repeatedly answering 'no')

Me: Tsk! Does it matter?!?!

You: erm... yah..?

I guess that 'yah' was what I wanted to hear. 

Reminder to self: don't be so vulnerable. Lower expectations in this area, or better still, don't expect anything at all. You don't want to be disappointed yet again.