Cold.

It's nice to have someone (usually the same person) who asks you why you're not sleeping, and to go to sleep all the time. I feel so ^_^. Though the feeling doesn't usually last. It's just one of the many small things that warms me now. Take them away, and... I cannot imagine how my perceived life will be.

Wanted to type that I feel a lack of.. the sense of affiliation and belonging to what used to be this group of coursemates I was close to, and in hall, I just don't truly fit in anywhere. I'm everywhere but nowhere in hall. In church... the closeness just isn't there, but that's mostly my fault for investing so much in hall/school (where I don't get much returns anyway). I always seem to be looking at the people and groups I (was) close to, from a third person's perspective. And I cannot picture myself in there anymore. It makes me retreat further. I always ask myself... am I trying too hard? Then I withdraw. Everyone seems better off without me anyway. What am I? Nothing. I'm worthless to them.

(then somewhere at the back of my mind, the memory of Pastor Derek's closing to his sermon not long ago nudges me, urges me to stop these thoughts... )

Year 2 has been emotionally-challenging so far. I find myself being a lot more defensive (towards friends), suspicious, pessimistic, and cynical than usual. Before this year, I had never blown my top at anyone (family aside). I've done so a few times already, and it makes me wonder...what is it that made me do this? Is this normal at all? My self-esteem feels like it's taken a dip.

My perception of the environment just got a lot worse. It's colder, bluer than ever before. The warmth that I crave seems so far away now.. and I'm starting to lose hope in myself, in my social environment.

I should just sleep.