So I was wrong.

I had overestimated how I'd feel... at least for the early stage. I can cope, after all.

The intervals may be slightly unbearable, but it is in no way damaging.

Treasuring those moments. Yet trying to leave a safe distance between.

Reconsidering, deliberately forcing second thoughts.

I still go to sleep, smiling, knowing that there is someone out there, family aside, who cares.

Thank God for that.

I'm pretty sure that that conversation that took place with Wan Hui during CPS10 happened for a reason. That that topic had even surfaced. That this long break had to coincide.

I shall wait and see, then. And try not to act impulsively.

---

It's time for bed (12.55am). No one to chase me to bed (besides my parents) these few weeks. Yawn.

i confuse myself so much sometimes.

i thought i'd never be able to adequately grapple with this... then i think back to its roots.

what happened? how did it arrive here?

was there anything to even begin with? was it all but my own imagination? creating scenarios? inducing them? misinterpreting actions and intentions? trying to... manipulate and lead them into the outcome i want? and making the mistake of letting the heart take lead? too blinded to even have the sense to take a step back? or did i just fall right back in after doing so?

i do, after all, become less conscious of the fact that rationality can be clouded when in a state of preoccupation, when i'm in this very state. what the object or subject is, i shan't say.


i should perhaps celebrate the good times - those that truly put a smile on my face. the reciprocity, the knowledge that i've become a confidant for awhile. the times i felt that things were finally going the way i hoped.

how replaying those scenes could stimulate sensations of pleasure, and i'd allow it to loop, just so i could feel the euphoria again.

then a slap of reality - they aren't going to happen again.

even if they do, it's better not to anticipate it. will i be able to handle the disappointment when it comes? a question i ask myself over, and over, and over again.

is there a cause for rejoicing, at all, then?

---

it all leads back to beginning, doesn't it? i've come full circle.

make sure to keep my distance. 

A combination of fear, suspicion, dread, unwillingness, anger, exasperation, blissfulness, gratitude, with a tinge of satisfaction.

How can anyone feel all these at once? They're so...bipolar.

They really tear me apart at the seams.

always

It's a strange thing..

I think.

I finally know, maybe guess, why workaholics do what they do.

My own theory - they choose to pour out their entire life into working, albeit subconsciously, let their work wholly define their identity.

At least it (moderately) substitutes the lack of a social life, and they don't have to worry about it. Keeps them occupied and they can avoid the disturbing thoughts anyway.

I sound so much like a psychodynamic supporter now but sometimes I think I can identify with their views. A little too much.

Sitting in office, waiting for emails to come in. Zzzzz

first day of work, again

Warning - very disorganised post. Extremely tired but I feel I still need to relieve myself here.

So the beginning of my temp job started this morning, and as usual, I dragged myself out of bed. (which reminds me,  better sleep by 2am or feel the same dread later). Decided to wear my black skater dress. Washed up. Applied makeup. It's troublesome to apply makeup in the morning. And for some reason, my eyes are really sensitive to eye makeup. It'll sting, become really dry, then tear a couple of times in the day :( But I just still leave it as it is. Maybe I should invest in eyedrops.

Well basically, I was really lethargic for the entire day, and it's a good thing (I guess) that I got really minimal work to do. I kept asking for work, so Wee How gave me a task that he wanted the intern to do. This intern's from SMU and is coming in tomorrow. New friend, yay :) And I helped Jessie Lau shift all her stuff from her old workstation so that the new intern can sit there. Then I helped Wendy do some filing, and called one jobseeker, who said he found a job.

Boring, boring day. Kept whatsapping the "Chomp" group - Jun Hao, Wen Ming, and Candice. And tweeting Flea. JH and Flea apparently were bored to death as well. I couldn't take the boredom and started working on my excel sheet for the rec list. Yes, during office hours, right under everyone's noses. But well, it's excel so unless anyone looks closely at it, they wouldn't be able to tell if I'm doing actual work, or work from elsewhere :D Probably gonna do that again tomorrow.

The temp who took over Apple (who was with me in Workers' Support) IS STILL THERE. Got some updates from him about the movements in the office. And he said he's been there so long that his pay has been 'upgraded' from hourly to monthly pay. Power.

He asked me whether I wanted to go to lunch, with 2 other guys who appeared, one of whom looked vaguely familiar, and asked if I still remember him. I thought he looked like Daryl Woo from 2SC3, my bio classmate in JC! But I couldn't be sure.. and I said, "You look like..... a Daryl." Then all 3 of them started laughing, oh gosh. Was I that funny??!

Interesting day, I guess. And it was nice to see some of the perm staffs' surprised faces - those like Harwis, Noel, Brenda, Jessie Lau, KC, Alvin. Well especially Harwis' reaction. Best.

Maybe lunch won't be as lonely as I thought :) Brenda said to look for her for lunch! Then we'll eat with Chun Hiong and I-forgot-who-else too. Brenda's still as cute as last time! :) And of course there'll be the other temps I guess... plus the incoming intern. And those from my vertical. It does help that I've been there before :)

I was counting down to our psych girls' outing that night! Well it was fun alright. Topped it off with a jug at Brewerkz. Photos soon :)

--

Read Jerry's note on Facebook earlier, and I had to cringe all the way. It's so realistic, quite beautifully written, and it accurately portrays the phases of uni life in hall. He wrote about the pains of seeing an empty hall, where it once was brimming with life to one of closed doors and silence, of how topics shift so gradually... to lead them away from student life. It was simply written, yet it truly struck me deeply.

I have two more years. And I will treasure that time. Once gone, it won't come back. Never again will I get to stay in such close proximity to my friends, let loose at various times of the night, study for the exams together, day and night, and support one another as we do so.

Seize every opportunity, maximise every chance, leave the largest footprint, savour every moment, while it is still possible.

shopping with Eileen

It was my second time at 313 in two days T.T

On Friday, we had a top 4 meeting with Prof Lee, the Senior Hall Fellow, about the rec list and some upcoming plans for the Hall. At 9am @.@. I was so sleepy but had to whack myself awake for this meeting.

No OOTD photo as it was just a pink Giodarno spaghetti top and the HH skater skirt which I've introduced before. Threw on a navy cardigan for awhile.

At about 1pm, I headed down to Recruit Express at UOB Plaza to sign a contract with e2i. Yes, I'll be working there again as a temp, this time under yet another vertical (Hospitality/Tourism). Rita's going to be my direct supervisor. Though the pay is really low at $6.50 per hour, I decided to go back there for my temp job as I would be able to skip the interview process and I'll be working in a familiar environment. Went there for 2 days before my exams started, to learn the ropes from my predecessor. Apparently, many changes have been made there, and I didn't really like the way the administration was being done.. I may just make some additions to it myself :/ on top of what is already being done. Just to facilitate the retrieval of data. It currently doesn't look very efficient to me.

Anyway, when I reached RE, A LOT of jobseekers were standing around, waiting. I was quite stunned as I've never seen so many people there before. Then again, that was only my third time there. Saw Jiun there, who was going for her preliminary interview with RE before they do a job search for her. Also saw Maverick, Eileen's boyfriend. I had waved and chatted with the both of them enthusiastically, and greeted my agent like an old friend since he recognised me from two years ago -.- I didn't even recognise him, only remembered that he had small eyes. The other jobseekers probably thought I was some weirdo, going to a recruitment agency and acting like I know everybody there. Signed the contract quickly as there wasn't much to go through. Then left the place feeling like a boss :)

Met Eileen afterwards to go shopping!! :) We went to H&M, walked the entire place, and didn't try anything as I didn't want to buy stuff, and she didn't manage to find the cardigan she had in mind. We saw Amelia and Dixin there though! Pleasant surprise!

With Amelia and Eileen

With Dixin and Amelia 

Saw Elaine there too! She's my primary and secondary school classmate. Didn't take a photo with her as my phone was being used to help Jia Yan book a cab at that time.

I miss shopping with Amelia :( I can't even remember when was the last time we shopped together. Sigh. We kinda... grew apart this year. Most of it is my fault actually. For distancing myself from the psych gang. 

 Besides H&M, Eileen and I went to Forever 21, Cotton On, New Look (where she bought her cardigan :D), Hula & Co., this shop beside Hula & Co., and Charles and Keith!! Where I finally bought the heels I was deliberating about for a long time.

Black Crotchet Peep-Toe Pumps, $49.90, Charles & Keith

Looks so pretty from here right?? I'm going to wear this for work! It's a little loose on me though, I should have gotten a size 35 instead of my usual 36 :( I'm going to get a pair of insoles for this, so hopefully it will fit better, and protect the balls of my feet as well. I can't wait to try wearing this to work!

Then she went to meet Maverick and I went back to hall to continue packing. 

This is what I saw after shifting all my stuff out from the car and into the house.

?!

Didn't even know where this came from. What an ugly scratch. 

--

I'm doing up such detailed blog posts only because I like to read them and it gives me the illusion that my life is exciting. Actually it's not. 

dimsum with the temps

Two days ago, a day after the exams ended, I met up with some temps previously from e2i. Those from the Events team, and Hospitality & Tourism vertical. i.e. May, Felicia, Yu Ping, and Leonard! I think it's our second meetup since we parted? The first was during Jerviel's birthday.

Flea booked a table for 5 at Zhou's Kitchen at Novena Square for us from 3.30pm :)

Fried mantous, some tofu, har kao, fried dumpling with pork floss and salad cream (FAVOURITE)

Just some of the food that we had! Which wasn't really that good, in my opinion. There wasn't enough variety. I'd still prefer Peach Garden any day!

Happy people :)

May's birthday was just around the corner, so I had planned to get a cake to surprise her. Leonard thought we should get just one slice though, since we were rather full from the buffet. We sneaked out "to the toilet" when we thought the time was right to buy the cake, which we got from Hans!

May and her raspberry chocolate cake!

Apparently, we took too long to hunt for the cake, and she had wanted to go to the restroom too. Poor Yu Ping had to restrain her and wait till we came back hahaha.

Well what I didn't know was that Flea's birthday wasn't very far from May's!! All of them went to the toilet after we left the restaurant and I waited outside for them. Then May came running out to tell me this. I was like, oh no oh no oh no... and we decided to get one quickly, this time from Prima Deli, and Leonard had to divert Flea's attention to a CD shop to delay her while we prepared it. It was quite epic. But we surprised her successfully anyway :)

Birthday girls!

 I still feel bad for forgetting about Flea's birthday!! Oh well.

And then we went back to Zhou's Kitchen to take a group photo since we hadn't done so before leaving. Yayay.

:)

Then we walked around the place for awhile, and one of the shops we entered was this Korean supermarket!

KOREAN BISCUITS!!

 There were much more than this! I was so wowed, like I walked into some museum. Was tempted to buy the seaweed too. But I bought 3 cups of cheese cup noodles instead :D I bought that at Jurong Point before, and I really really liked it, so I bought it there when I saw it!

Then Wayne came to meet us for awhile after his work. It was his last day at work, and his workplace was at Novena.

Congrats on ORDing!

We still whatsapp each other every now and then, mostly about random stuff. Wayne was a temp at e2i too,

from the same batch of temps. He looks quite funny here. 

Also worth mentioning was the Puma sale and Adidas sale. May saw a pair of shoes which she liked but didn't have her size, and Flea was in a dilemma over which Adidas bag to buy, which she didn't buy because the queue was too long. The crowd at the Adidas shop was really NO JOKE! We navigated the place with much difficulty thanks to the crowd there. I would've browsed the place more thoroughly if not for the suffocating crowd >:( Spotted some nice bags and shoes! But by not buying anything, I didn't have to spend anything, so that was fine by me too. 

Final photo in the train 

Then Flea had to go off, and the rest of us went to City Hall too look for May's shoes. Which we didn't find. :( The rest of the night was spent walking around and browsing shops like Muji, HMV, Royal Sporting House, Watson's, and Times, before calling a day and going separate ways.

I dropped by the coffee shop near Pioneer MRT to help get buns for Jason Han and Shoshi... and regretted not getting food for myself afterward cos' I was so hungry like 3 hours after I arrived back in hall. -.-

It was a day well-spent with the fellow temps, after not seeing them for so long. They were still very into Korean pop and bands, which I have zero interest in. Other than that, we did a lot of catching up - what we've been up to, what we want to do in the future, etc. I think we may be able to squeeze another meetup for dinner this summer holidays. :)

OOTD
Top: Lace Element Spaghetti Top from Hollyhoque
Bottom: White demin shorts from Forever 21

Yes I wore the shorts out a day after I bought it :) It felt really short though, a bit uncomfortable and that made me self-conscious for the whole day :/ When I was leaving hall in the morning, there were 2 guys at the carpark below block 60 meddling with their bicycles. I was looking at them as I thought I'd know them, but it turned out that I didn't. Then they whistled at me while I walked off, and my back was facing them. Gosh that definitely felt weird. I think it was the shorts :( I shall try to avoid long tops with such short shorts in the future. 

end, second year

I shifted out of hall yesterday. My family is very helpful, waiting for me to finish packing, and helping me transport all my stuff down to the car. I didn't know that I had so much stuff, seriously.

Mostly clothes, books, and small items. 

I left the hall with a heavy heart. Yes, I still have two more years with HSS, two more years with Hall 12. What made this sense of emptiness sweep over was the knowledge that I wouldn't be seeing those familiar faces again. The graduating students - they won't be hall residents no more. I looked around at certain spots, subconsciously, before the emptiness hit. Goodbye. The dreaded, most unwelcomed farewell, had finally arrived.

Time to rise up to another level of seniority. A batch leaves, 2 others promote, and a new one joins. Every year. 

Candy, Wen Ming, Jerry, Pee Hua. These seniors, I'll miss the most. For all the help rendered, advice so freely given, care and concern, genuineness, security and assurance. I've only really communicated with them this academic year, actually. Still, I really thank God for them, for having crossed paths with them at all. In fact, I think if not for my JCRC involvement, their names would not be here. 

If I'm feeling this way, well, I can't imagine how it would be for their closer friends.

As the saying goes: Change is the only constant. And is no exception. We're always moving, always adjusting. Just as we settle for something, another change is introduced. Such is life. We only have one direction to head - and that is forward.

Times of refreshing
Here in Your presence

No greater blessing
Than being with You

My soul is restored
My mind is renewed

There's no greater joy, Lord
Than being with you 

Exams are over!

Yes, it's finally over! Feels a little strange not studying but doing my other stuff, and without feeling guilty! Need some time to get used to it!

I kept taking outfit photos on the day of each paper! Just for fun I guess. Again, so that I can look back and see that this was what I wore. It's also to allow myself to dress up and feel happier by thinking that I look better :) My outfit for this final paper:

Top and skirt both from Hollyhoque :)

Claire and I went out after our Abnormal Psychology paper!

We went to Ippudo for dinner, as suggested by me :) I have been dying to go back there since forever, and didn't have the chance to, since I was busy with school work and was cooped up in school for the longest time. So when the opportunity arose... I jumped at it, haha.

It was Claire's first time there :D No queue as we were early

Clairebear :)

Here's the ramen I ordered. It was up to standard, as usual! Super delicious, loved everything from the noodles, to the egg, the pork (!!!!) and the soup. Well the soup was a little too salty, but I still finished every drop of it!

LOOKS GOOD RIGHT? Cost me $18
Taken with Instagram

I wanted to get an appetizer to share, so we got this.. Tamago something! The egg was really soft and fluffy, it's totally different from the kind that is wrapped in sushi. Makes you go 'mmmmm' at first bite! It's a little too pricey though, in my opinion.

Some diva egg that costs $9
Taken with Instagram

Happy and satisfied :)

We then went down to H&M, where it was my second time and Claire's first time there! Again, at my suggestion. I wanted to go and see if there was anything worth buying.. Lots of pretty stuff, but I felt that most of them were not exactly suitable for me.

Spent quite a lot of time there browsing the clothes! Poor Claire had to wait for me cos' I was so fickle-minded and didn't know which to choose and try. LOL. I picked five pieces to try, but did not buy any in the end -.- Almost bought a black top with lace covering the shoulders though. But I didn't know what to pair it with and didn't like it enough to want to buy it. Which was good, cos' I spent $77 at Forever 21 afterwards!!

Happily shopping

This time, it was Claire who suggested F21. I never really liked their clothes before today. Each time I went there, I would walk out empty handed. For some reason, their designs just did not appeal to me... or just were not tempting enough to try. 

Today, though, I spotted red shorts there! I've been hunting for a pair of nice red shorts for a month or two, but could never find a pair of affordable and nice-looking ones. Until we walked past the area with all the coloured shorts XD So I picked that out to try, plus a white pair of shorts (been looking around for one too!), an oversized knit top, and a spaghetti top with cutout-flaps. 

Only took photos of the red shorts and the ivory top though!

Pose, pose

I decided that I liked how I look with it and went ahead to purchase these, together with the white shorts. The spaghetti top was just too weird-looking, I didn't like it.

Clairebear FINALLY found clothes to try! She refused to try anything at H&M, apparently F21's clothes still better appease her. I kept thrusting clothes at her to ask her to try, but she ended up trying just 3 dresses. She really liked one of them - a black dress - but alas, the right size wasn't available. Which was a pity, cos she loved it and it's so hard to get her to like something!! Unlike me, I thought I'm really choosy with clothes too until I see how much I spend on them....

After our shopping (window shopping for Claire :/ ) it was already past 10pm, and we decided to get her some sushi and then head home.

It was nice spending time with Claire again! :) I always feel at ease with her, just like the JC days, and I never am subjected to evaluation apprehension when with her. We can talk about almost everything too. She's currently majoring in linguistics and psychology, but she wants to drop the latter cos' it's pulling down her GPA. Well psych pulls down MY GPA as well but I can't drop it because it's my only major. Sighhh I don't want to think about exams while I can avoid them. 

Bought supper for some of the hall mates - Vijay, Zijin, her roomie, her roome's friend, and Melvin - but didn't get any for myself! I couldn't decide whether to eat and settled for iced milo instead. It was nice chatting with some of the freshies like Nigel, Maxine, Ai Lin, and Vijay :) Think it's because I had been hiding in my room burried in books. Actually, I don't even feel much of the freshie-senior gap anymore. It's time for them to promote to 'senior' status anyway :) Time really flies.

Then Melvin passed me some of his hamster stuff like food, treats, and small cage. He wanted to let me choose and take more of his stuff, but I decided not to take too much as my dad would not be too happy about it. Melvin's hamster died during the year.. and he wasn't sure if he was going to keep another one as the last one's death was "too traumatising". I guess pet deaths always have that kind of impact on people. I still want to keep one because of the companionship it provides, and the happiness I experience simply by looking at it. Have always loved animals, and will always do. :)

Ok, then I went back to my room and got excited with the day's buys! Displayed them on the bed. Quality of the photo is quite bad though :/

White shorts with laced belt, tagged "I love H81", an American brand - $31, size 24
Firey red shorts, Forever 21 denim - $21, size 24
Sleeved ivory knit top - $25, size S

I'm still delighted that size 24 fits perfectly :) Seems like I didn't gain weight after all! 

Below: a Balenciaga-inspired bag which I ordered from Gmarket last week. It took me MONTHS to decide whether to get a bag with this design! I finally made the move to click and order since I'll need a bag for work when I start my temp job at e2i. Well the bag arrived today and I collected it from the Hall Office :) Even Mr Yip knew that it's a bag from feeling the parcel!

Medium regular motor bag in black, $25 + $8.50 for shipping
From Gmarket, seller StarBags

The photo looks so well-taken! Actually I just placed it on my bed and took a photo, then edited it with mei tu xu xu app and Photoscape on my laptop. Tada! 

I wasn't particularly impressed with the material, as it looks like one that will tear or peel of easily :/ Tried scratching a bit of the skin but there were no visible markings left on it, so I thought maybe I shouldn't doubt this bag too much :) The size is just right for me - can fit a cardigan, handphone, wallet, book, makeup, even some A4-sized documents! Can't put too much of the A4 stuff though.

More pictures of my new goodies today!

Sometimes I think that I'm too easily-satisfied.. I crave for material wants like these and derive joy and satisfaction from acquiring these. It seems so, at least... but I really hope this isn't the case!

Overall, it's been a happy day, apart from waking up late and having less time to revise before the paper which made me want to tear up the exam booklet.

I still have a lot of things to do, I realise. Time to get started on planning...