i confuse myself so much sometimes.

i thought i'd never be able to adequately grapple with this... then i think back to its roots.

what happened? how did it arrive here?

was there anything to even begin with? was it all but my own imagination? creating scenarios? inducing them? misinterpreting actions and intentions? trying to... manipulate and lead them into the outcome i want? and making the mistake of letting the heart take lead? too blinded to even have the sense to take a step back? or did i just fall right back in after doing so?

i do, after all, become less conscious of the fact that rationality can be clouded when in a state of preoccupation, when i'm in this very state. what the object or subject is, i shan't say.


i should perhaps celebrate the good times - those that truly put a smile on my face. the reciprocity, the knowledge that i've become a confidant for awhile. the times i felt that things were finally going the way i hoped.

how replaying those scenes could stimulate sensations of pleasure, and i'd allow it to loop, just so i could feel the euphoria again.

then a slap of reality - they aren't going to happen again.

even if they do, it's better not to anticipate it. will i be able to handle the disappointment when it comes? a question i ask myself over, and over, and over again.

is there a cause for rejoicing, at all, then?

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it all leads back to beginning, doesn't it? i've come full circle.

make sure to keep my distance.