Vietnam 2013 [Part 1; A Preface]

Before I begin the post proper, I want to just pen down some reflections and feelings about this trip. This section, the boring part, contains just my thoughts and some events leading to the trip which I feel the need to document them.

How it all begun

It all started with Ivan asking me (and Amelia, separately) out of the blue in October whether we would be free and keen to go to Vietnam after our exams. I was extremely hesitant, because it was so sudden and I wasn’t very well-travelled, so I had my doubts. Ivan wanted the group size to be kept small at four, and wanted it to be an adventurish kind of trip. Furthermore, his male bestie, Brice, was going to be one of the four, I felt uncomfortable with the idea of travelling with someone I barely knew. After thinking long and hard (for about a day), I eventually agreed, and quarreled with my parents about it. Yeah, I know, why quarrel with them about a trip that I wasn’t even that keen on going to begin with, right? I told myself that it was a good opportunity to just try it out with them, just to experience what it’s like to travel as a bagpacker, making plans from scratch.

I would call this my first real overseas adventure without my family. Church camps in Malaysia, Japan with PL in 2004, OVE with Hall 12 in 2011, and Hong Kong with some Kraveners in 2012 aren’t counted because they either had a fixed programme, and/or were just short trips to go shopping and playing. Each trip was unique in its own way, but none was as impactful as this one.

So Ivan set up a whatsapp group for the four of us. It was rather awkward, and Amelia and I exchanged our first greetings with Brice. We then had a long discussion about whether to book Jetstar or Vietnam Airlines, booked the flights, discussed about where to go, and made plans to meet up for dinner. I felt rather useless during those discussions because at that time, I wasn’t exactly excited nor interested about the trip and I had other priorities in mind like getting my assignments cleared, so I didn’t do much research :/

Our first dinner was exciting because Ame and I were finally going to meet Brice after whatsapping in the group. LOL. Minutes before he walked in through the MRT door at Dover, we were like AHHHH AHHHH HE’S COMING! YOU STAND THERE!! And we tried not to be the one standing next to him. It’s all quite hilarious, as though we were young teenage girls meeting a new guy. I think Ivan must have been totally amused seeing us going all anxious about meeting his BFF. That day, we had dinner at Swee Choon and witnessed a fight break out while waiting to be seated, and saw a police van stop by just then, which could not have been more timely. Interestingly enough, while were having fun in Vietnam, a riot broke out at Little India. I couldn't help but make this connection to this particular fight we witnessed. 

Fast forward a month later. Brice and Amelia kept contributing to our itinerary and list of places to visit and things to do in Vietnam. I’m not sure whether Ivan did, but I did not contribute anything at all *guilty*. All I did was to say whether I’m okay with the plans. We wanted to go from HCMC to Da Lat, Nha Trang, Phu Quoc, then back to HCMC initially, but scrapped those and settled for HCMC à Nha Trang à HCMC eventually. Again, I didn’t involve myself with the preliminary discussions and I felt really bad about it! With all the assignments, presentations, and assessments approaching, I simply couldn’t spend too much time researching and reading up on Vietnam or the guilt would have been constantly gnawing at me. I decided that the guilt from not contributing here was more bearable than having to shoulder the guilt of not working on my academics and having that translate into shitty grades.

Then hell week got nearer, so did exams. All I could see ahead of me was the Me vs. NTU battle. It was then decided that since Ivan only had one paper (Q!@#$%^&;) and Ame and I had three or four, it would be optimal for him and Brice to just plan the itinerary and we would go along with it. Turned out that the guys managed to plan only for Nha Trang, so the girls continued from there and planned for our remaining days in HCMC. All these, within the few hours after our last paper. Haw haw.

Looking back,

I can confidently say that I've had no regrets agreeing to the trip. I’m honoured to be part of this quartet, with a combination of four unique personalities, each bringing our own essence to the group. I never thought I would say this but I truly cherish my three travel buddies. Enjoyed (almost) every moment we had together, roaming the streets of Vietnam, taking in our surroundings, walking more than 3km with our luggage from the train station to our hostel, getting lost in the streets, sharing all our meals, eating in silence and simply appreciating the food and the presence of one another. It’s always about the company. If given a chance to travel with them again, I would definitely say yes, without hesitation this time. Subject to other commitments of course.

I may not be the best travel companion; I've had my own ridiculously moody moments. There were times where I felt like I could have just disappeared into the crowds and the rest of the group wouldn't notice, for they would be better off without me. There were times where I felt like I didn't understand and couldn't relate to the jokes and conversations at all and I felt left out. These were genuine, although I knew that they were selfish feelings and my friends probably didn't do it intentionally. Such moments made me want to distance myself, even though I knew I couldn't actually do so physically. I just hope that my moodiness for some parts of the 2^nd half of the trip didn't affect the group dynamics too much :/

We've all had our share of ‘battle’ scars this trip – mosquito bites (BANE OF MY LIFE. My legs are scarred so badly now, sigh), bruises, scratches, cuts, suspected bed bugs, and mouth ulcers – which we would carry for the next couple of days.

Finally, let me describe our unluckiness with accommodation. We stayed at four different places, and three out of the four had problems. At Blue Star Hotel in Nha Trang, which we stayed for 3 nights, the guys’ toilet bowl couldn't be flushed properly, which made it difficult for them to take their dumps and they had to come over to the girls’ room to do it. I didn't suggest to get the reception to change our rooms because I didn't want us to end up on different floors. We had no problems with Saigon Youth Hostel, where we stayed for one night before going on our 2-day Mekong Delta tour with homestay. Hung’s Homestay (1 night) wasn't without problems either. There were so many freaking mosquitoes, I got most of my bites from there. And the water supply cut off on me while I was bathing the next morning, leaving me to wipe off my soapy body with the towel. WTH right?!?! Then we stayed at Saigon Mini Hotel for the last two nights. I loved the service and the bouncy, comfy bed, but the shower was a disaster. We had to either shower with acceptable temperature, but have very little water coming out of the shower head, or have acceptable water volume but with BURNING water wtf. Brice used the toilet bowl washer thing to bathe. I don’t know why we didn't ask for a change of room though. Then the next day, the entire stretch of hotels and shops had their electricity cut off, leaving us to pee, shit, and bathe in cold water in the dark, and lug our luggage down the staircase to check out. I understand that the electricity trip isn't the fault of the hotel but still, it didn't make our stay very pleasant.

I think I've more or less typed enough for this preface. I've still got very terrible post-vacation withdrawal symptoms of depression and dwelling of the past. I miss my travel buddies already. I miss Amelia and the entertainment she brings to all of us, miss Ivan and his excellent navigation skills and food ordering skills with the locals, miss Brice who looked out for me all the time whenever we had to cross the disastrous roads. As much as I don’t want to return to reality, I am aware that I cannot live in the past, and I've still got a (hopefully bright) life ahead of me. This was but a small and short escapade.

As I've told Amelia, through this trip, I now see the appeal of travelling, dwelling amongst the locals, immersing ourselves with their culture, and meeting other travelers. I used to be indifferent towards travelling, but now I believe I've changed the way I look at it. It’s a truly refreshing and humbling encounter which has to be personally experienced in order to be fully appreciated.

With that, I shall begin to recall the 10 days we spent in Vietnam. The interesting part. 

Hamster

This is my hamster :) Her name is Oyster and she's been with me for.... I can't even remember how long she's been with me oops. At least 1.5 years, that's for sure. She makes great company, and I look at her whenever I feel bored and lonely. I mean, look at that face! Doesn't she make you go 'awww'?

She's losing fur around her eyes lately and I really don't know what caused it :( Is it the yellow box? I put that box in for her to play with; it used to contain individually wrapped biscuits. Not sure if it became more noticeable after that box was put in, or she just developed it due to the box. Thinking if I should remove it because she seems to like playing with it :(

Hall of Residence

Hall has always held a special place in my heart. I believe every undergrad, especially in NTU, should experience it at least for a year, and the school has made this easier for us by guaranteeing all freshies a double room. Of course hall life isn't just about staying on campus; it's the friendship we have with fellow residents that makes it more fulfilling.

Unfortunately, I can't really say the same for myself, lol. My own hall life peaked in year 2, then became really minimal in year 3, and even more so in year 4. I've asked to join the dance team again now that I've become a legal resident. At least get to know some of the new birds and mingle with the older ones for awhile before I graduate.

Besides the people, some of us, like me perhaps, really need the accommodation because home is just too far away and the convenience and privacy of a hall room is something that's desired. I decided to apply for a single room because well, last chance to try it out! And I must say, I'm definitely loving single room thus far :)

Year 1: roomed with Amelia! We had so much fun doing nonsense together, shopping, eating chips, bathing (she didn't dare to bathe on her own!), waking up late, hosting friends to drink and supper, having her not-yet-boyfriend-at-that-time over, .... and of course having Elizabeth and Yangyang stay in the same hall made going for classes fun too :) Good times, year 1.

Year 2: I squatted with Eileen and Deborah, think I caused a lot of inconvenience to them cos the room was so small and well it was hard for them to reject me :/ I tried to make up for it by cleaning the room whenever there was a lot of hair and stuff. Least I could do for them! Then of course we had meals together, and that was when I started my yearly reading room routine with Eileen... Soon I got allocated a room after the first sem's exams, with Fiona, and I was sooo thankful to be rooming with a local roomie! :P And a very nice girl too!

Year 3: Had the luxury of staying in one of the biggest rooms in hall, at the ampitheatre area! I didn't get this room initially although I applied for one of the rooms on this stretch. Emailed Mr Yip and he kindly put me here because I wanted to continue staying in blk 60 and specifically at the semicircle, no special reasons but he still agreed :) Roomed with Fiona again and we got along quite well :) Our friends came over occasionally and our room's perfect for hosting friends because it's so big!! We shared a fridge, split payment for the fridge, and had lotsa good food too! Must thank her for putting up with all my nonsense all the time :P Of course, Wen Ming came over quite often too especially when I was unable to leave school because of dance and academic commitments.

I don't have photos of my rooms in year 1 and 2, so here's what I have from year 3 onwards. I attempted to use the panorama mode on my phone, pardon me if it looks quite uneven lol. Pictures for year 3 show the empty room just before we shifted out completely.

Sorry this is quite badly taken lol. 

My half of the room!

Year 4: I did not do enough (dance and 1 subcomm alone wasn't enough obviously, plus I didn't turn up for most hall events) to get myself a space on the rec list, as expected, so I just settled for waiting for waitlist allocation.. with just 12 points. I tried looking around for people who may want to rent out their rooms too, because I really wanted to continue my exam preparation routine in hall. I can't study at home for nuts! And on exam days it's important to get as much sleep as possible the night before, so the best way to do so was to get enough sleep in hall and cut down on that three hours of travelling time.

Thankfully, one of my dance juniors, Zhen Yan, said she was going to withdraw but can hold on to the room if I wanted it! AND it's a single room! Of course I said yes!! But the thing is, I'm a familiar face to the hall office and it wouldn't be nice if they found out that I was renting it illegally :/ So I applied to be a legal squatter, and  instead of paying the squatter fees for Zhen Yan's room, I'm paying the full fees and she's paying the squatter fees because, well, she hasn't shifted out completely...  Here's the room which I stayed in for two weeks:

Just after I cleaned the floor and put my bedsheet! 

Yes, I stayed there for only two weeks, all the while still monitoring the waitlist online. As of 22 Nov, there were still 20 girls with 13 points on the waitlist. I thought, well, my turn should come quite soon. But I didn't expect it to be THAT soon!

My offer of hall accommodation email came just this week on Monday, which made me sooooooooo overjoyed I had to share it immediately with Wen Ming, Amelia, Elizabeth and even Huihui who was in the reading room with me at that time! I was so happy I couldn't focus and went down to the hall office to ask which room it was and when was the latest day I could return my squatter key.

Well they allocated a room that was just NEXT DOOR. Can you believe it? And I was thinking, how's it possible that I got my room so soon? Were they clearing the 12 pointers already? Was I like the first few 12 pointers to be offered a room? I thought, perhaps, I could have been placed on priority list by the JCRC (at least my batch put all the residents who have contributed but not enough to secure a place on rec list on that list), or be offered so soon because I was squatting, or maybe cos' the hall office knows me?? I don't know how but they just did and I decided to just thank God and thank them for it :) Plus, being allocated a room next door (to Zhen Yan's room) meant shifting in would be so much easier!

The thing about this room is... I knew that from the time I shifted into Zhen Yan's room, it was vacant already. And this continued for as long as I stayed. I wondered why it was vacant for so long and they did not allocate it. So anyway, okay, I got my key and opened the door.

Check out that floor. HOW DUSTY IS THAT?! And election flyers?? This room had been vacant for a whole sem!!!!!!! When I asked Mr Yip, he said that it's difficult to clear the single rooms, but didn't elaborate more and I didn't push for an answer because, well, I should be grateful instead of asking so many questions. So I just take it that it has been kept for me, and they couldn't put me here until the waitlist has cleared and they were able to do so legally. Oh what strong denial and justification, hahaha. Amazing how the mind does this to reduce uncertainty and ambiguity to protect our ego. 

I did MEGA cleaning of this room that whole afternoon because I wanted to dedicate the whole of the next day to studying for my forensic psych paper, so might as well do it immediately. Plus I needed to familiarise myself with the orientation of the room, the table and the bed so that I could sleep better the next night (ya right. I couldn't fall asleep actually). Opened the windows wide, kept the door open, and blasted the fan to allow some fresh air in - the stale smell was a little too much to bear. Here's how it looks like after cleaning and shifting in!   

Tada!! Not bad right :) Finally had a whole room to myself with only my stuff inside!

The parcel you see is the wrong item received from HH, which I was gonna mail back. 

My bed and my Ah Bear. With my laundry basket at the corner. 

Oyster now has her own corner! :)

Hello there my friend :)

So yes.. I'm loving how things turned out so far, and extremely grateful for all the favour that God has showered upon me through my years here. It always pays to remember and acknowledge the source of all my blessings and give honour to Him :) 

I think I'll definitely miss NTU and Hall 12 when I have to graduate. My time is limited, and I'm determined to be thankful, appreciate, and make the best out of it :)

Review > LB Delray Dress (XS), Lincoln Knit Top in White and Navy (XS)

I had my first paper today, forensic psychology. Though it was an open-book paper, I could see the look of horror on everyone's faces once they announced for us to stop writing. We all had the same complaint - not enough time D: Anyways some of us went to JP for lunch, and when I came back to hall, I went to the hall office to check for my parcel. It was HUGEEE!

Ok yes hi. I look quite cui here cos I'm really tired from my paper + lunch yet excited to rip open my parcel and try the clothes as well. I can't remember when was the last time I got so excited over clothes. I'm quite impressed with LB's and SingPost's efficiency! Ordered and paid about half an hour after launch time on Monday, and received today :) Opted for normal mail.

First I tried the knit Lincoln Knit Sweaters! Got them in Navy and White in XS as I couldn't decide which I preferred. White first, with Hollyhoque's Oh My Garden Pants which I wore since this morning:


Then I tried the one in navy, paired with Steis Skirt (S) which I still can't decide whether to sell or keep :/ I really like how it looks with the Jayden Skorts! Unfortunately I couldn't try it with my skorts as I didn't bring it to hall.

I'm really in two minds now; sighhhhhh I love both tops but don't know which to keep :( Actually I like the skirt too but it kinda makes me look fat!

For this top, the shoulder area feels a little restricted for a knit top. I think I expect knit tops to be loose and oversized, but this is just nice. I love the holey knit too as it's not too warm when worn and you can still feel the wind on your skin. In cold, air-conditioned places, this top may not be sufficient to keep warm though.

Update: Decided to sell the navy off as I think I'm more drawn to the white. Selling at $32, includes the postage I paid plus what I will pay when I mail this off!  This top has been sold! 

Next, the Delray Dress! LOVE LOVE LOVE this piece!

I quite like the idea of dropwaist hems, and of course the more I was exposed to it, the more I started liking it (mere exposure effect). I did ponder over whether to get dropwaist skirts, but the sizing was difficult to choose as LB can be quite inconsistent. Or maybe I'm just getting fat. Anyway, dropwaist dresses started to pop out on Megagamie, LB (Dorea Dress!) and Ohvola, but I held my money back because they would emphasise the waist, yes, but also the TUMMY. I don't have a nice flat tummy so I was rather sad about not being suited for such dresses.

Until I saw Rachel's Instagram photo. The same design, but in prints! :D Prints can help hide the tummy!!! True enough, I was not disappointed. That pink and green patch is AT my tummy though, I hope it doesn't make it too obvious :/ Sizing wise, I bought both XS (my usual size but sometimes too snug) and S to try. XS fit perfectly. I'm loving the fit! It's sliiiightly stretchy. Since XS fit well, there wasn't a need to try size S, so I left it unopened (above).

Will be selling off size S for $36.50, non-negotiable, normal mail only as it's inconvenient for me to go to the post office during my exam period. Or meetup in NTU. Leave your email if interested! :)

Update: Thanks for reading! The dress has been sold :) :) 

What is joy?

Joy is... managing to catch LB's launch before they announce it!

I was just randomly visiting their page when suddenly OMG. THEY ARE UPLOADING THE NEW COLLECTION! THE DESIGNS ARE APPEARING ONE BY ONE! I couldn't believe my luck as I was telling myself to go refresh their page this week since I reeeeeeeeally wanted the Delray Dress after seeing it on Rachel! So I happily carted it out in S and XS to try both sizes and sell which other doesn't fit! Also carted the Lincoln Knit top in Navy and White in XS because I like both colours and couldn't decide :S

Exams are depressing but two awesome incidents have happened to me this morning alone:

1. I FINALLY GOT ALLOCATED A ROOM IN HALL! More about that in my next post :D
2. I CAUGHT LB'S LAUNCH!

Whoa I was over the moon both times! Just shows how focused I was huh. Dindn't exactly study :( But well I can study in peace now knowing that I've got my room and my clothes secured!

And my HH parcel arrived today! :) Though they sent one of the items wrong, so I have to go mail it back to them later -_-

Still, rf course, all glory goes to Jesus! This sort of thing probably isn't significant to Him but He made it happen for me! I can't thank God enough!!! :D

Dinner at Men-Ichi Ramen @ Jurong Point

Well it's the exam week, again. My 7th university examinations, and I've resumed my self-confinement in Hall 12 to study. I'm most productive in the Hall's Reading Room, where there are others studying too, and where I know I have to force myself to wake up early to reserve my usual table. My own room is a hazard. I only come up for naps and long breaks, which are essential in helping me recharge for the next long study session. I tried to study in my own room twice this week, and well. I ended up reading about cameras, what's good, where to buy them; looking for instant Japanese ramen on Qoo10; browsing online boutiques. You name it.

So self-confinement really isn't fun, and I allocate a daily budget of $6 for food... to help me ease the guilt of purchasing a pair of pants, a romper, and a dress from Hollyhoque recently :/ But anyways I had this mega week-long craving for RAMEN, which explains why I tried to look for instant ramen online :( Thankfully, the boy traveled allll the way to the west today and I got my ramen craving satisfied!! :D

Men-ichi for dinner, we had. Because the only other ramen places in Jurong were Ramen Play and Ajisen. Based on past experience, Men-Ichi was much much better more decent than the other two!

I really like their gyoza :) it was part of my ramen set. Sorry it's not focused :/

This beansprouts came as part of the set too. Don't underestimate that sauce. We wiped out every bit of it.  

Men-Ichi serves different varieties of tonkotsu ramen - paitan, wafu, shio, shoyu, miso. Both of us decided to try the shio version today, as its broth is supposed to be saltier, with a heavier taste. We were not disappointed :)

Shio Tonkotsu Ramen with 2-piece char siew

Hi! :)

Kyofu Shio Tonkotsu Ramen with 5 pieces of char siew

I suppose Kyofu means something like the black version of ramen. But when I googled 'kyofu', I was greeted with Japanese horror images -_- It means Japanese horror films. O-k-a-y.

I enjoyed everything about our meal - from the sides, to the broth, noodles, and char siew. Maybe it's because the need to fulfill this ramen craving was too strong, or maybe I just can't really tell the difference between the broth served by Men-Ichi and that of other ramen stalls :/ The boy prefers Keisuke though!

Selling > LB Roiston Romper, Coral, (S)

I bought this last year, wore it once, and had been in a dilemma ever since. I mean, it has all the things I love combined into one! Lace, romper, and good material. I bought an XS initially, but my goodness - THE WAIST! It was suffocating! So I did an exchange for a size S instead. Well, the waist fit, but the thigh area was wayyyyyy too big for me.

Measurements: 12" shoulder width, 9.5" arm opening, 16" PTP, 13" waist, 19" hips, 11.5" at the rise, 15" at the thigh, 30" down

I can't locate the photo of me wearing it :( but here's how the romper looks like:

It's still as good as new! Bought it for what, $32? $34? Haha I liked this so much that I tried my luck with an XS some time later and much to my delight, it fit! :D

I'm definitely wearing this piece again :) For reference, I'm a UK6, usual LB size is XS. But recently my tummy has been ballooning and so now I kinda have an XS sized hips with size S waist :( Really need to work out.

If you're keen to purchase my coral coloured romper, please email me at tanjoyce@hotmail.sg or leave a comment! Selling at $15 mailed (best price).  This romper has been sold :)

Priorities

I see photos of my friends' and other bloggers' food, vacations, material possessions every day. 

While I do post similar photos whenever the opportunity arises (note: the frequency differs greatly from that of others'), I do admit that sometimes I think they aren't of the same kind of standard. That is, in terms of monetary value, and popularity of the subjects of my photos and experiences.

Intuitively, anyone would assume that this should naturally lead to an unconscious process of upward comparison, especially at a time where technology is facilitating the rapid spread such things... and result in a kind of dissatisfaction with (my) own life. 

Well, I thank God that this isn't the case for me. Not consciously, at least. Sometimes, though, I do wish for certain material possessions like luxury goods - which undoubtedly is the result of repeated exposures to many bloggers and their many many luxury bags - though I know it's terribly unrealistic to spend thousands at a go on an item. Other than that, I do not really feel this urge to indulge myself in many many cafes, or travel all over the world. These things are nice to have, but not necessary. 

My theory for this is that factors such as financial positions, school commitments, exposure to snippets of others' lives, and knowledge of level of enjoyment of those activities moderate the subjective feelings of satisfaction and yearning for something I do not currently have or am not currently doing. 

1. I work on an extremely limited monthly allowance. Necessities like tithing, food, transport, and clothes (ok this one not that necessary but whatever haha) have just about wiped out everything. I simply cannot afford the luxury of visiting so many places and owning expensive items. 

2. It's my final year. This semester, my friends are 'chionging' with me. Next semester, their AU load will be significantly reduced and I will be fighting this school war alone (sigh). I cannot leave room for regrets before I graduate. Bottom line is, I do not have the luxury of time to engage in too many activities. When I'm not working, I'm catching up on rest. Sometimes even my dates are compromised :( 

3. Exposure to the lives of others is a factor that would be highly correlated to the knowledge of perceived enjoyment of doing what others have done. For example, if I see that my friends are travelling all over the globe but I have not travelled much myself, I would not envy them as much as as I would if I have experienced that myself before. The downplaying of these feelings do much to minimise the impact of such exposures. 

Taken together, these would explain why despite deliberately being exposed to the Facebook and Instagram posts of others which supposedly would induce an unconscious upward comparison, I do not activate my defence mechanisms, I do not avoid these stimuli altogether. 

Perhaps it is also due to the fact that my identity in Christ is secured, and the peace of God is upon me, assuring me that whatever I need is provided by Him, and I will lack nothing. Perhaps this is the ultimate reason for the counterintuitive indifference even with high exposure to social network feeds. All I know is all these factors do add to the result :)

Okay I just wasted like half an hour typing this. Time to continue working on my assignment. 

Closing of a Chapter

Hi there.

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Well basically this means that life has been manageable, nothing out of the ordinary.

Some updates. Blogging this during work because I can. hehhhhhh.

1. My third HOCC.

Good times :')

Once again, HOCC flew past without regrets. It's an incredible feeling, performing on stage, delivering something you've rehearsed for hours and hours on end with your fellow performers. Thus I'm really thankful for this opportunity to join Hall 12 dance team even though I'm really quite an amateur dancer. (truth is they'll take in anyone who's willing to commit and learn so that a team can be formed :) )

Team photo after the competition! One of my favourites :)
Credits: Ryan Wong

Love this photo too! With some of the girls!
Credits: Jin Xian

A couple of changes were made for the dance (and cheerleading) team this year. Firstly, instead of having the usual dance manager and captain manage the entire dance team, we have a proper committee, with people assigned to take up specific portfolios, or details of the whole process leading to HOCC. As such, having work spread among more individuals greatly reduces the responsibility and stress previously bestowed upon the manager and captain. This naturally led to a greater sense of ownership especially among the committee, which translated into greater combined efforts to lead and motivate the rest of the dancers to get things going.

On stage. "HAH!!"
Credits: Ryan Wong

Secondly, a choreographer was hired to do everything - the choreography, song choice, costume ideas. Once again, having outsourced this, the load is taken off the shoulders of the manager/captain, and inputs were given from our own dancers, such that it became a choreography we could truly call our own. Melissa is really talented and capable, I swear. Our past choreographers have also done a good job, of course, like how Pee Hua stirred in me the interest in contemporary dance and Amelia (roomie!!) gave me the chance to dance in an act-sexy-feel-sexy choreo. Having an external choreographer was clearly different - not only did we benefit from Melissa's expertise, we also allowed her ideas to be displayed in the form of... us. But really, I must applaud her enthusiasm and dedication for taking us through that journey despite having a job which requires her to wake up early in the morning. She was in NTU almost daily by the way, as she was guiding Hall 4 too.

The team after a training session at HSS, our usual training venue. Free-of-charge, but there is a need for some of us to go 'reserve' space after lessons or from 5pm onwards. Mel's the one with the cap :)
Credits: Jin Xian

It feels like this is the only time I get to dance... I'd love to dance again for the next academic year, but that will depend on whether or not I get a room in sem 1. Really, it's worth all the sore muscles, exhaustion, and even the dip in grades :/ Sometimes of course I'd feel like giving up because I was just soooo physically and mentally tired. I mean, dancing till 2 in the morning daily, and having reports and assignments to work on? Friends just don't get why we're doing this. But I always told myself (and the freshies) that it'll all be worth it. On HOCC day itself, even on days where we just look back at all the photos reminiscing the days of pure hard work, we'd smile and be glad it all happened.


2. A (somewhat) restored sense of connectedness and belonging with my course mates.

I used to be a very bitter girl, often in self-pity. It all started when two of my male friends (I shall not name names here) made fun of me, calling me names. Initially, I was able to tolerate their jokes, knowing that it was in the name of fun. The name-calling didn't stop, and it eventually got to the extent where I felt so hurt that I harboured bitterness and hatred towards them. Since they were also part of the same clique, I started to avoid hanging out with the entire group whenever there was a gathering of some sort. It didn't help that they were also very competitive individuals when it came to academics. The pressure took a toll on me and I decided to put an end to my misery altogether by just cutting off ties with them.

Of course, that isn't feasible in the long run - they are my course mates after all, and it does not feel good to constantly make efforts to avoid them all the time. I longed for that kind of fresh and genuine happiness that was experienced during the first few months of my freshman year. I felt God tug at my heart a couple of times, and I told Him yes, I really wanted to forgive them, let go of all existing unhappiness and insults, baring them all at the cross. How else will I be able to let go and move on?

Year 3 was the year I sort of managed to pull myself back closer to the rest of the clique, with one of the guys on exchange and the other taking different modules and there was almost no interaction. I definitely felt more connected and belonged than, say, my second year, where I used JCRC and hall to distract me from all the bitterness arising from facing my course mates.

I thought I could finally forgive them for good move on, until one day where we hung out after work (internship) and it was revealed that a good girl friend had once thought I was attention-seeking and didn't like me in Year 1, which explains why she didn't attempt to stop the two guys from hurling insults at me. Naturally, that opened the floodgates that kept the hurting memories at the back of my mind, and I was once again reminded of how bullied I felt then, even by this girl.

Well, that happened in the past. Yes, who would have thought that I actually went through that? It's so difficult to love those who hurt you, right? But I (try) to love them nevertheless, because Jesus loves us dearly despite the horrible things we do, despite all our impurities. Jesus loved the ones who mocked him and crucified him. I mean, what can be worse than that?


3. The opting out of FYP

I've decided to opt out of FYP because:

(a) there is no way I can pull up my CGPA to get a 2nd class honours (upper division). (Students who opt out will not be awarded one even if their CGPA exceeds 4.0.)
(b) I am not really into research, nor am I considering a graduate diploma or masters programme anytime in the near future.
(c) I think I'd rather take up more modules and be exposed to more areas of psychology

I hope I don't regret this decision...


4. LSBC Choir

Yes.... I'm back in the church's Worship Team! This time, as part of the choir. Here's the story:

I was inactive (not serving in any ministry) for about 4-5 years..? During these five years, my weekends were spent at Chinese Orchestral practices (in ACJC), at NDP trainings/rehearsals/Preview/actual day (in 2010 and 2012), and hanging out with friends. Being in CO and NDP were things I really enjoyed doing, just like how I love dancing. I mean, performing, producing music, and being part of the workforce of a national event? These are experiences that I really treasure :) If given a choice, I would like to return to Heartware Network as a volunteer leader for the ushers - I felt like a super old volunteer among the poly and JC volunteer ushers, and was a bit out of place. >.< still, it was fun interacting with all the spectators, seating them, directing them, and waving goodbye to them. How often do you get to be involved in a national event right? And watch the parade six times for free? (six times, I am not kidding - CR3, NE1, NE2, NE3, Preview, Actual Day)

One of the crazy photo moments with the group. Green sector ushers!
Credits: Riz

While I had fun on these weekends, I felt a little uneasiness, like I've had too much fun and it was time to start serving in church once more. I had been delaying the joining of a ministry for these few years to go out there and participate in other stuff (hey! at least these were healthy activities!)... so it was time to come back. I make it sound as if serving God in church is boring and all haha but actually it's not - it is also fun especially when I'm doing something I like, or if that ministry is where my calling is.

I've always felt that my strength is in music, which was confirmed by Elder Melvin some years back at a church camp where he told me the word God had for me was 'music'. It was definitely from God because Elder Melvin didn't know me personally and there was no way he could have guessed my affinity with it! Hence, I finally put an end to the procrastination and auditioned to join the choir... where I've found no problems fitting in, and I'm happy here :) What greater honour and joy than to serve in God's house right?


5. Internship at WDA

Even before the opening of the HPAP portal I knew that I wanted to secure an internship at WDA. I was seriously considering a career here, and naturally I tried to look out for opportunities to apply to WDA. I tried visiting the WDA booth at career fairs but the HR representatives just asked to apply to the portal - like any other employer D: and they said I must know what I want if I were to join them the following year - the Frontline Divisions, Employment Facilitation, etc.

When the portal opened, I was glad to see that WDA had vacancies and they wanted psychology majors, yet disappointed that there were only three options - as in, three programme scopes. Two were from IAL, something about validation of psychometrics which I didn't want to do. I wanted to do a bit of what the staff from HQ would do - and so I applied for this one, from HRBD (Healthcare, Retail and Business Services Division, a frontline division). I was thrilled when the e-mail notification was received, informing me that I was shortlisted for the interview, and even more thrilled to receive the e-mail stating that I had been accepted. Seriously, I was praying so hard and was so worried that one of the four other candidates would get the job. So imagine the joy when I received the news! I recall that the e-mail was received in the middle of a lecture and I was too excited to focus for the rest of the lecture :P

(to be continued)


5. 7th month.

No, my parents have yet to be informed, but I think my sister suspects his existence. Once, I was showing her a video on my iPad when he replied 'yes dear' on Facebook, and I was so, so horrified at the slip! She just gave me a smug 'hmph', totally implying that she knows something is going on.

The challenge remains - he is a non-believer. This is clearly something which needs to be resolved, and we both know there is only one way....

Because God has given us autonomy

we can be assured of greater things, we can experience our behaviour as self-determined.

We can choose:

• how we want to interpret and react to others' behaviour
• which beliefs and principles to govern and underlie our decisions 
• I believe in adopting Christian values and exhibiting behaviours and thoughts that I perceive to be Christ-like, which are in turn guided by biblical principles.
• But I must first be consistent in reading the bible.. and reading Christian materials :/ which I'm not doing at this point la. 
• to decide what's within and out of our control 
• Grey areas: can we bargain with God? 

There is so much power within the self. And that is something that everyone should see. 

Just sudden urge to type these as I study for my Human Motivation paper and read people's posts on Facebook. 

This post is no doubt inspired by Ryan and Deci (2000), the founders of the Self-Determination Theory. If only I could gain insights and be able to interalise ('taking in' a value or regulation; recognition and acceptance) and sometimes integrate ("further transformation of that regulation into (my) own so that, subsequently, it will emanate from (my) sense of self") the things I learn... Although actions that are too deliberate may undermine intrinsic motivation, umm, well I CHOOSE to TRY, but I don't always get this result! I end up being really exhausted and burnt-out. Hence I choose to pray and ask God for these.... Okay back to studying. 

Sometimes I just feel like rolling my eyes, asking them what's the point of asking for opinion if they're going to reject contrasting views with harsh words.

I was just trying to make peace, ease out the tension, excuse me.

If that's what you want then fine, go do whatever you want. I'm not going to care so much or be so emotionally attached to the group if it means I have to put on a mask and fake smile all the time.

I'm trying not to see this as a personal attack. It probably wasn't intended to be one, but the more I harp on it, the more angry I feel.

I'm washing my hands off you.

"The rainy night will wash it away"

So I sit here, at the void deck of block 237, leaning against the back of the chair; my legs propped up, my wallet, iPad, portable charger and tissue packet sandwiched between my body and my legs; a tissue paper held to my nose; outside, the cold wind blows, the rain floods the neighborhood.

I've sobbed enough into 5 pieces of tissue. Now I have to write.

My brother - his behaviour disturbs me, and I believe my mum and sis are equally disturbed. I don't think any of them would have thought he's be capable of such displays of violence. I pray that the unseen forces planted in him or in the family will be wiped away...

What caused it, then?

Well it had come to my attention that my brother has been HOOKED on Facebook, anime, and Mouse Hunt. He is just obsessed with that game. Whenever I'm around, I observe that he'd pester my parents to type the passcode for the family iPad or the laptop... If refused access, he'd start raising his voice and show his impatience. If not given a time limit, he would continue using it, playing with Mouse Hunt in particular.

It's not like he's doing well in his studies and teachers are speaking well of him. It's not like he knows when to stop. No. Sometimes he'd demand access to the laptop or iPad, saying it's for school, but whenever I peeped to see what's on the screen, it's always Mouse Hunt. He's not even making progress in school. He just doesn't stop.

Earlier at around 12 midnight, he had once again demanded the passcode to be typed onto the iPad. My mum had fallen asleep and so he happily continued using it... Before I took a bath at about 2am, i told him to stop playing and go to bed, then proceeded to turn off the router. I was done at around 2.30am, and to no surprise, he was still playing with his mouse hunt, having turned the router downstairs back on. So I nagged at him again to stop it, and go to bed. Again, I went to turn the router off.

He refused to listen.

He came down, pretended to walk to the kitchen and around the house, then turned on the router again. This time my patience was tested and apparently was his, as I went to undo his last action.

That was when he started to raise his voice at me, calling me names because I didn't want to let him use the Internet. Mind you, it was almost 3am. I tried to tell him he's not supposed to be using the iPad so late at night and he should be sleeping, while attempting to get my mum for backup.

Next thing I knew, he seized my phone which I was holding, threw it down the stairs, then kicked me twice.

Mum finally appeared, having saw what just happened, and tried to stop him. That did not really help. It just set him off, and what happened next was an outburst of physical aggressiveness aimed at my direction, which I never imagined my own brother would be capable of displaying, especially not to a family member.

It took both my sister and mother to restrain him, and he was making death threats at me, about taking the bamboo pole to hit me to death or give me a black eye. He broke free and went at me again, leaving scratches on my arms and legs, and I tried to video the process while defending myself and trusting that my mum and sis would hold him back. While I continued to video.

How else was my father going to know what actually happened in his absence?

My act of videoing my brother's violent behaviour angered him even more, where he shouted that he would not stop until I deleted the video, while attempting to break free of the restraining arms that held him.

It's then that I realized my sister was the only one who could really control him and eventually, nicely and calmly, talk him out of it.

And mum was close to tears. She was visibly appalled too.

Mum told me to go up to my room, so I grabbed all my stuff downstairs, including my hamster's cage, and lugged them upstairs, where I sobbed... I prayed hard for God to take control of the situation downstairs, to help my sister to talk him down, to bring peace and calmness back into the household, for the spirits of violence, hostility and aggression to leave. I was so shocked, all I could do then was to pray, and cry.

I honestly didn't think my brother would behave like this. I thought this only happened in movies, in case studies, in the news, never in my own home. So the lack of Internet access would prompt him to burst out like that?

Also, the fact that I failed to keep his temper under control and that my younger sister could better command his attention did much damage to me as well - it branded me as a failure, a failed sister, authority figure, psychology major - until I tried to get hold of these thoughts before they bruised me further.

I needed space and time alone to cry and think without being interrupted- so I decided that it was best to do this outside. Thus here I am.

It's cold, it's rainy, it's 4.13am. I am armed with nothing but my essential belongings which, ironically, included my electronic devices and an Internet access - the very thing that caused the squabble tonight.

I justify this as an entitlement that comes with age and maturity, which I believe I have attained some degree of it. But still find it ironic.

I am still distressed, but I feel much better now after typing all these out on my phone. Blogging is a form of release for me; it channels my negativity into a constructive piece of reflection and recollection in writing.

I really thank God for my sister who was able to remain calm and in control of the situation, demonstrating wisdom and maturity beyond her years.

I thank God for my mum and dad (he's touched down and on the way home) who tried calling me and gently telling me to come home.

I thank God for the friends who responded to my tweets at this unearthly hour; showing concern and telling me to take care.

Above all, I really want to pray and ask for all these sources of disharmony to be banished and instead be replaced with all the elements of a happy family.

Holy Spirit I adore you
Holy one have your way
Before You now my heart's wide open
Take Your rightful place

Let Your work begin in me
With Your power set me free
Reign in all the kingdoms of my heart
I have one sole desire
That You would come and fill my life
Till the world can see
Jesus Christ in me