moving on to the third consecutive week of hell

The first was last week, where there were 2 mid-term papers, HP200 and HP203. The studying was o.m.g. . and I really died for stats. It's the next most @$%)(&^#!*ed up paper after HE191 :( I refused to talk to anyone after that paper. Social psych I know it's only by God's grace that I managed to score within the 50+ marks range (it's out of 60) because I only REALLY studied that like, 2 days before. So yes, very grateful :) Ended the week with a packed Saturday. Hall OVE's pre-CIP at Highpoint, where I was late (paiseh). But it was fun handling food and mingling with the regular volunteers! Prior to this, I had never peeled potatoes or cut honey dews in my life before. Then it was a mad awesome lunch with Candice Amelia Yow Renn at Ikea Tampines, was really happy :D Spent the night/early morning at Rebel, thought there'd be free entry but noooo, guest DJ = must pay :( so ok, pay... and the menstrual cramps acted up halfway -.-  Alvin was nice enough to drop me off after that.

This week was bad too. There was civ supper on Monday (27th March), where I had to facilitate some game while my fellow civ rep who was with me just stood around. Okay, I don't blame her cos' I don't expect her to be able to do what I did cos' she doesn't know anyone else, after all. But still...!! I felt a bit overworked cos I had to arrange for the food AND be station master / game IC. (if only my fellow blk 59 civ reps did just a BIT more work.. oh not to mention I had to design the shirt too.) Well anyway after that night my throat hurt like never before and that night I felt a fever coming. (at this point, I must add that I had been coughing and having a runny nose for a few days already). I woke up the next morning, 2 hours earlier than intended, and sure enough I was rolling around in bed knowing full well that I was down with the fever. Went to the doctor, got 2 days MC, and Amelia and Elizabeth looked after me while I was ill. Very thankful for them! And of course I had to rush the 2 assignments (HW111 and HP203) when I was still sick. Had to battle a bad headache while doing HP203. Found out that one of Amelia's relatives lost her life to cancer and was immediately reminded of the late Aunty Daphne from LSBC, and how cancer is so merciless. Okay, I guess Amelia had it worse than I did because she has to do the 203 assignment AND study for HP202 quiz while dealing with the loss of her relative :( Nothing could have been worse than that :(       and as for me, I'm trying to finish up 3.5 more chapters of HP202 for the quiz (no idea how it's gonna be done). Anyhow, it's been a tough week.

Next week, (actually it's tomorrow.) it's THE killer mid-term, HP202. I mean we had 60 MCQs for HP203. But for 202 it's 60 MCQs AND 20 fill-in-the____ AND 1 short essay question. Oh gosh please tell me I'm dreaming. And I have to get my inventory list for psych soc done and reply Lydia regarding the society's log's storage space (it's kind of 2 weeks overdue), and read up on loads of stuff for HP202 project and report, plus tons of other projects and reports, lah. Not to mention biz law which I have to totally swallow within a week cos' I think it's my turn to present the week after, and without the biz laws I won't be able to apply them and I'll get screwed in front of the class if I'm unable to answer my tutor's questions.

So there. 3 weeks worth of rants which is totally unlike my other posts, which I don't expect anyone to read. There's been a few referrals from my Facebook profile though. Do leave a comment and say hi! Don't be shy! You can't be as shy as I am :) Can't beat me.

who do you first turn to

...when you need help? Man, or God? Do you heed worldly advice or godly ones? The world today is so contaminated, it becomes difficult to draw the line when everything starts blending in.

I also notice that my posts are getting shorter and shorter. Nothing much to post these days, besides the usual complaints that school is sucking life out of me...

Article: For Older Japanese, Tsunami’s Carnage Evokes WWII Horrors - NYTimes.com

For Older Japanese, Tsunami’s Carnage Evokes WWII Horrors - NYTimes.com

After reading this, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of loss for Japan... while life goes on for us in Singapore, free from natural disasters, the Japanese are mourning over the loss of thousands of lives. I just pray that God will keep the survivors safe, keep them psychologically and physically sound, and for more foreign aid to pour in.

What are Words - Chris Medina

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you see them as lover's words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel would say
Just from me and now know I'm meant
To be where I am and I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you see them as lover's words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

--
Very touching song that's been playing over and over again on my laptop. I don't own an iPod, and my mp3 player has officially retired.

2nd monthsary

of my grandma's death. Also the day Yong Hui's grandma left him. Jon's (Merman) grandma departed not that long ago too.

:(

no regrets being part of this dance crew

I never imagined that we would end up 16th. Never, ever.

Nevertheless, I'm still thankful for this opportunity to try out something new, thankful that the other dancers were always encouraging and never too critical or disruptive, for their patience in their endless demonstration of steps.

Though practices were not always something we looked forward to, I'm glad that it all ended on a high note - at least from the time we were on standby before we took the stage to the time after we left.

Credits: Spencer (Hall 12 Publicity)

Credits: Cinny (Hall 12 Dancer)

I must add that Hall 1 deserved their placing. That is undisputed.

Grandma lived long enough to see me start life as an undergraduate. 

but only grandpa will be in my graduation photos.. 

Wish my popo was still around. It's been almost 2 months since she has left us. 

Funny, how your mood can change sooooooo drastically within a couple of hours. How you can experience so many contrasting emotions and be in such different mental states within a day.

Morning lecture (HP202), dreamy --> Lunch, perplexed --> Short break, slightly accomplished --> Afternoon lecture (MB107), Focused and slightly dreamy --> Longer break, Stressed and dreamy (when I decided to rest properly) --> Dance practice, frustrated, dissatisfied, resentful and reflective --> Transition between dance and Revelation Night in hall, excited and high --> THE Revelation, ?? --> Back in room, stress hits the maximum for the day after looking at all the emails and cracking my head over how to respond to them and having the realisation that there is a tonne (is it this spelling?) of work waiting for me.

Once again, slightly accomplished now that I am done with the emails and admin work and awaiting replies. These are mainly from my Psych Society and Civ Subcomm. So that means.... I CAN FINALLY GO AND SHOWER. I FEEL SO DIRTY AND SMELLY BUT COULDN'T BEAR TO LEAVE MY LAPTOP UNTIL I HAVE REPLIED ALL THE EMAILS AND GOTTEN THOSE STUFF ORGANISED.

Anyway... the dreaminess (for lack of a better word) totally faded by the time the sky darkened, it's like reality is hitting me in the face again.

:O

Interesting fact - I visited a gay club last Saturday night with some friends. We were at Zouk initially (free passes from Nanyang Arts Festival, but the music really sucked so we went to Play instead). It was an eye-opener! I mean I was like totally safe there, while my guy friends risked being grounded (past tense for 'grind') by the others. Cool beans. I was quite disgusted at the sight though.. and yes, I am still against homosexuality.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby I need you now

Lord, Your name is higher than the heavens
Lord, Your name is higher than all created things
Higher than hopes, higher than dreams
The name of the Lord

At least I can say this with conviction

I have the peace of the Lord which surpasses human understanding;
I know that I have done my best;
I live without regrets.

death of yet another NSF

Though they cannot see this,

here's my heartfelt condolences to the family of the late Eugin Wee. 

Nobody expected such an accident to happen within such a short period of time, following the death of another NSF not too long ago. We would expect the SAF to put extra precautionary measures after the previous fatal accident, who knows whether they did...?

It's easy to put the blame on the driver and all, but bear in mind that he's human too and he's probably in trauma, regretting that he hadn't been more careful. No matter how much he regrets, it won't do a thing to change the situation. To quote a user on Yahoo Singapore, he'd probably have to "carry this burden for the rest of his life."

I wonder how the family is coping. They've been hit the hardest.

But then again, according to a friend, there are many of such accidents that go unreported. So there are a lot of angry Singaporeans out there, not counting the NSFs themselves. Well I just cannot imagine any of my friends ending up like that, especially since most guy friends my age are serving the nation now....

The use of profanities

I've said this before, and I"ll say it again.

No, I do not condone the use of profanities.

Though its use is very common now, and I have have countless friends using them, I cringe whenever I hear any one of it. Call me a coward, conservative, whatever. I don't care. Believe it or not, I've never used one in my life. And it shall continue to stay that way, no matter how pissed I may be at any point of time.

Like now, maybe.

Most of the time, I blog when I'm emotional.

This means that

1. Things may sound more inflated than they really are.
2. My choice of words and phrases may be harsher - and in layman terms, blown-up - than they would when I am not experiencing an emotional high or low.
3. I need an avenue to express myself, and I do so with an assumption that people don't bother to look for my blog, because I am (honestly, it's how I perceive myself to be) an insignificant figure. Hence I am not embarrassed about having my posts on the Internet. However, my previous post, typed when I wasn't in the best of moods, generated some strong opposition. That post is now saved as a draft, unpublished, to prevent further damage.

Silence may be golden, but too much of it does more harm to the individual who's bearing it.

--

I just spent $120 on textbooks (still short of one) for the new sem, one of them is my developmental psych text. I flipped to the content page, and saw that right at the very end was death. I read some of that, thinking that it may be applicable to my current situation. Needless to say, I could not go on reading it, however objective it may be.

--

Please let the liaising go smoothly!

Year 1 Sem 2 is going to be hectic

Okay. As of now, I have a few projects which I'm involved in

1. Happy Halls (Psych Soc)

2. Psychology FOC (Psych Soc)
3. Preparation of gifts for PHP confidants (Psych Soc/SCC)

4. Hall FOC (Hall12, which will not come in until much later. PHEW)

5. Civilisation Supper (Hall12)

6. Civ notice board (Hall12)

7. Hall Olympiad Closing Ceremony (Dance) (Hall12)

My goodness. This may not look like a lot, I mean compared to the others who have a thousand and one projects under their wing, but it's a lot to me because I believe what is said in Colossians 3:23. So either I give 100%, or nothing at all. If I'm going to give my 100%, I'd have to be involved in fewer things, right? Not that those who are burdened with many of such projects aren't doing them well; I salute them for their ability to do so. It's just that I cannot be like them, hence I there has to be a limit and it looks like I'm not being involved enough...... 

An ex-classmate

Well, I've just read a couple of posts from an old classmate's blog and I'm appalled by what she posts and portrays herself to be. From what I've read, this is what I have gathered

1. She has a foul temper, with a tendency for violence (throwing things around).
2. She complains more than anyone else I know.
3. She is obsessed with her appearance. I don't know how many times she has gone for surgery to improve how her lips, eyes, boobs, and whatever else looks.
4. She loves money. In fact, she loves it so much, she shows that she is easily pleased by money. She would give up what she doesn't like for money, at the expense of something else. For example, she is angry with her boyfriend. Bf gives her a new polaroid camera, and she is not angry anymore. Later, she is back to complaining and sulking again.
5. She hates school (she is studying in a polytechnic)
6. She wants to go to a university. I mean, HELLO, if you can't even go through a day of school without thinking of how you detest it and how the whole world owes you something, you will never live through a semester in uni. Dream on, man. And she wants to study communications and/or psychology, and she can't even spell 'psychology' correctly. Are you kidding me?
7. She spends like her dad is Steve Jobs. By that, I mean excessively, once again more than anyone else I know.
8. Her world revolves around - who else - herself.

I'm sorry but I really cannot take it when I read about or come across such people. She seems to equate love with money. i.e. if her parents love her, they should feed her with more money so that she can fulfill her material wants and her countless nights of partying.

I am utterly disgusted. Hate to say this, but after you read her blog, you would think that I'm an angel. This is how bad it is.

staying awake again

My family's not on night shift today, we're all at home and they're sleeping but I can't sleep. I keep thinking of my grandma and how much I miss her. Then I think of my grandpa and my heart aches even more...

I feel as if I'm being really childish but *sigh* I want my grandma so bad... I just wonder how long it'll take before I can fully absorb the fact that she's gone for good and crying for her wont make her come back.

I wish I could hug someone right now :( Being alone clearly is disastrous. My thoughts stray too far, too much. and I pine for what cannot be mine anymore.

staying awake

... for night shift at a funeral wake is not the most exciting thing. It's kinda boring.

I have not cried for the past 12 hours. Achievement? Maybe it's just building up. Popo looks so different in there with all that makeup on. So different from when I last saw her. I gotta look at her a couple more times before her body's gone for good on Tuesday, which is also the day I get my exam results.

UJC came today... It's comforting to have the cell group with me, so I'm really thankful for that. I think a few more friends are gonna come down during the next two to three days, so thank you in advance. I could do with your company. Now I know how my friends who've lost loved ones feel when we make an appearance at their relatives' wakes.

It's so quiet here.

Popo, I really really love you. Why must you go so soon? Why?

Just two Sundays ago, I saw my grandma in church, still able to interact with people around her, and able to walk with some help. That was the last time I saw her (relatively) healthy.

Last Saturday, in the wee hours of the morning, she was sent to the hospital as she was in extreme pain and had difficulty breathing. Each time I went to visit her, her condition seemed to deteriorate, and I cannot help but feel more helpless and afraid.  She was still fine on Sunday and Monday night, able to hold my hand, see me and acknowledge my presence in the ward. She could still talk a little. Last night when I went back again, well, I couldn't recognise my grandma at all. She was just... so disoriented, semi-conscious, I doubt she even knew who was at her bed side.

I admit, I have often thought of what would happen if my grandma were to end up like this, I knew that one day she would have to leave me, leave all of us. But I never thought it would be THAT soon.

I really don't know what to do.

I'm so scared, so very scared. That's what I've been telling people who ask about my popo (grandma in Chinese). She's in the high dependency ward, and all I could do was just hold her hand when I visited her just now. I feel so helpless.

one of those moments

where you feel like life is not worth living for.

where you know you need to pray and intercede.

where you know that the decision is not yours to make.

where you know that there is no 'undo'.

the closing of another chapter

2010 has been a year of many firsts. Below is a brief summary.

1. First ever job interview which landed me in e2i, no working experience before this.
2. First year in LSBC's YWA zone :)
3. Volunteering experience for a national event - NDP, then SYOG. (the next event was SCMS)
4. Orientation camps in university, starting with CAC, then Psych, then Hall.
5. Clubbing. (not once, but 5 times within 6 months omg)
6. First (academic year) in 12 years not being in a music CCA.
7. Living away from home for long periods of time (hall) and hence, doing my own laundry.
8. The start of university life.
9. ADULT FARES FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORT :(
10. Exams that stretch till Christmas.
11. Joining dance (in hall). Again, with zero prior experience.
12. Vomitting in the car. Haha.


There were many transitions, many instances whereby I had to navigate around on my own.It was hard trying to deal with the new level of independence that accompanies a new phase of education. My degrees of freedom widened by quite a bit, but that was more or less manageable, thank God. Speaking of that, I'm guilty of not including God in my decision-making, where I tried to handle most (actually, all) of them on my own... which, in the process, resulted in several emotional lows.

Post to be continued. I hope. haha.

I've got a fever, I'm hot, I can't be stopped

Things to be thankful for:
1. EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!
2. Fever came after my exams, not before

What really sucks:
1. Thanks to my fever, I'm sitting in my room in hall rotting away instead of clubbing with my psych mates.
2. The exams didn't go well.

Haha, maybe it's God's way of telling me not to party so hard, since I already went with Shengkun and co. last Friday. Before the end of my exams, can you believe that?! I can't! ha ha ha! (okay, must be the fever)

Anyway here's some cool stuff I found on the Internet. Like, wow okay I didn't know that.

Fever serves as one of the body's natural defenses against bacteria and viruses which cannot live at a higher temperature. For that reason, low fevers should normally go untreated, unless accompanied by troubling symptoms.
Also, the body's defense mechanisms seem to work more efficiently at a higher temperature. Fever is just one part of an illness, many times no more important than the presence of other symptoms such as cough, sore throat, fatigue, joint pains or aches, chills, nausea, etc.
(Source: http://www.medicinenet.com/aches_pain_fever/article.htm)

So there's some bacterial or viral infection in my body which explains the elevated temperature?

Maybe it's true

Not long ago, some of my course mates and I submitted our group project for HP102. The hypothesis?

Upward comparison leads to a lower temporal satisfaction with life.

The thing is, I wrote most of the introduction. And though there was insufficient evidence to support our hypothesis, I personally think this hypothesis is true. It's growing on me right now. Whatever was in the introduction of our report is being projected through myself now. I cannot, however, define the duration of 'temporal' here because I have no clue when it will actually come to an end. Temporal would simply mean that it's not permanent.

When your closest peers have all found or have almost found their other half, and you find that you are still very much alone, trust me, you'd wonder if you'd ever meet yours too. Research in cognitive science has shown that humans always make comparisons, and this comes naturally (Strauss & Quinn, 1997). (I'm trying to rephrase my own work here so that I would not appear to be plagiarising my own work. Oh, the frustration.) It gets harder when, as mentioned above, your closest peers (in fact, every one of them) have something and the realisation hits you that you don't have it. This is the reality, the effect of upward social comparison on the perception of your own life. I don't know, I may have experienced cognitive dissonance upon completion of that report, such that my cognitions are being altered so that I actually agree (100%) with the hypothesis, even though we had insufficient statistical data to support it. This feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction certainly is bothering me, (it's salient and I know it, no need to measure my life satisfaction before and after this awareness,) especially when my exams have just begun and there is this battle going on in my head. All the competing stimuli is getting to me and well, I need to filter some out. It's really depressing.

Today, right now, more than any other time, there is a need to trust God and stop trying to analyse my own life and situations. I hate it when I do this, running to God only when I need help. I really do.

I feel like going to a place where I can be alone and pray, confess and voice my deepest thoughts. Away from the presence of people, away from all worldly distractions. Just me, and my Father.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh HELLPPPPPPPPP I DONT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE

okay. Firstly, why do we strive so hard for something that's not tangible? (Like, studying so hard for my five papers within the next 2 weeks?) What is our motivation (all processes involved in initiating, directing and maintaining physical and psychological activities) behind this? It's partially because this gives us an extrinsic motivation, as in monetary gains in the future and a competitive edge in society. Psychologists believe in the need for achievement (n Ach), which is a mental state that gives us a psychological motive to excel or reach some goal, mainly at the conscious level. When we finally manage to achieve that goal, we may be rewarded - intrinsically or extrinsically.


Personality disorders. They show themselves in chronic patterns of poor judgment, disordered thinking, emotional disturbances, disrupted social relationships, or lack of impulse control.


The Pearson correlation measures the degree and direction of linear relationship between two variables. it is computed by r=(covariability of X and Y)/(variability of X and Y separately)

Exams... in December?

As the time draws nearer to the examinations - less than a week now - the stress level once again reaches another peak. It's not THAT high a maximum yet for me, because well. It's not near enough. But the mere look at the stack of notes and textbooks on my desk is enough to will me into studying, a good enough indicator of how much I don't know and how much I need to know.

Currently in the midst of reversing my abnormal body clock back to normality.

Currently deliberately removing myself from civilisation. But still in touch with the world through Facebook :)

While others are playing and enjoying themselves out there, the studying level at NTU has reached an all-time high ....

Oh my gosh I need to study.

Psychology is cool. I think.

Things I read from my intro psych textbook today:

1. People who abuse drugs, engage in violent and (teen) sexual activities do not have a problem with their self-esteem. They need positive achievements and prosocial behaviours.

2. (Albert Bandura) Part of personality is a collection of learned behaviour patterns. Through social/observational learning, responses are acquired after watching others' behaviour and the consequences of their behaviour. It is the ability to forsee the consequences of actions, particularly in what happens to others.

3. (Bandura) Reciprocal determinism is the process in which cognitions, behaviour, and the environment mutually influence each other. Each of the three elements reinforces the others. Say, I love music (cognition), so I join a musical ensemble and spend more time with my ensemble mates (social behaviour) in the music studio/room (environment). In a more spiritual sense, I may feel affirmed about my choice because the three elements work to reward me and make me feel good and feel like I've done the right thing. (yea sure, if only this were true)

4. Our behaviour is largely influenced by our sense of power, or locus of control (Julian Rotter). It is an individual's sense of whether control his or her life is maternal or external. I can say that I am master of my own life (internal locus of control), or fate determines what happens to me (external locus of control). Where religion is concerned, I think both are involved though. I know, for one, that my future is in God's hands, and He has plans for me (external). However, since God loves us and gives us the freedom of choice, I can decide what to do, whether I want to be a rebel and walk away from that path, or engage in activities that may lead me closer to His plans (internal).


Psychology over sociology any day, man. At least I can relate to them. Today's soci quiz totally murdered me. I really hope I pass it.

Hollyhoque Contour Bodycon Dress

I'm sad :( Woke up just to catch HH's launch, waited a few minutes, still no launch, decided to give in to my body's need to release waste, came back, and was too late.

My Contour Bodycon Dress - Black in Size S (UK6) was all pending. :'( Really like that dress a lot! :( :(

Downtown East Murder

Pride? Display of 'power' and capabilities? Were those what the teens/tweens wanted by engaging in such an impulsive act?

Alas, it's too late. The deed has been done. 

If convicted, they face the death penalty. No mercy there, they will never see, hear smell, taste, nor feel anything after that..

I wonder how their families are doing now. Their parents must be hardest hit, I mean the fact that their sons' lives are in the hands of the judicial system, not theirs. All those years they've spent trying to bring up their sons gone down the drain, all that blood, sweat and tears wasted just like that, should the boys/men be guilty of murder. Too late to do anything now, besides pray and engage the best lawyers (if they even have financial means to). The defense may not even win the case(s). But as parents, they'd naturally want to do anything within their means to help their beloved sons, even if it means they will lose everything (money to hire lawyer + son if state wins).

Oh dear. I really feel for their parents :( I hope they remain sane and not end up needing psychiatric tests themselves. My limbic system is very active at the moment.

Maybe that's why I do silly things

Kept trying, trying, trying, was so confident that I would get it, but no I NEVER do. It's this kind of frustration that makes me want to give up once and for all, intensifies my inferiority complex (yes I know I have it), and makes me want to do more stupid things like in my previous post to try and forget it all, push it all away, pretend this never had to happen. It's times like this that I feel I simply am not good enough, and will never be good enough.

And I yearn to go back to where I can be accepted and 'loved,' even if only for awhile. Though I know that after the whole episode I'll have to face this shit again.

Take this away from me. Please. It's agonising.

Reflections

Early this morning, I learned what it's like to 'live for the moment', and experienced its post-event symptoms. It's not worth it. Honestly.

A full account of this has been drafted but will remain unpublished.

NTU CF!

Okay, Amelia, Victoria and myself are finally joining NTU Christian Fellowship. After like, 2+ months. We are finally going to put our lives back in order. Not that it hasn't been, but it just is more complete to have a CG within school (in addition to UJC* in church :P), it keeps us sane and stops us from drifting from God. At least that's how I feel about this. Definitely helps to have a support group in school. :)

Gonna get back on track again, and I can't wait to restart on this journey!!


*Uncle James' Cell

Just a thought

Wonder why I keep breaking down.

Rejuvenated

Thank you. You have no idea how that felt. It'll be an understatement to say that you were my antidote. If only it could be like this every day... which is kinda impossible.


Sighhh I've got to live in the present and stop drawing on past sensations and memories, which will only become more distant with time.

Why do you keep trying so hard when you know you're just not favoured?

Why BOTHER when at the end of the day, the only thing you gain is dejection?

Do you honestly think such efforts are worth your time and resources? Nobody even notices your existence.

Stop trying to be noticed. You just ain't them. You will never be. Give it up and get a life (oh, I'm sorry, you don't have and can't get one).


One more thing. Quit talking to yourself. It's really foolish.

The Passing of Mrs LKY

The nation mourns the passing of a really great woman, Mdm Kwa Geok Choo, wife of Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew. It is a loss to him, to our country.

MM Lee's eulogy here (source: CNA) shows a a summary of their life together. This is the epitome of true love.

Rest in peace, Mrs Lee. You will always remain in our hearts.

Changes

Once you reach a certain stage, you stop being concerned about what others think you are (at least almost), you stop longing to belong somewhere, you stop searching for your supposed self-identity. You engage in activities that have significantly more impact on your future. You look at what happens in the long run, weigh the implications of sacrificing the time spent on things you do today that would shape your tomorrow, with the instant gratification received from other activities that will not last.

You become... more emo, for lack of a better word. More reflective, more thoughtful. Your score soars on the 'worries' scale. You're not sure you even want to have a social life. You are lost, even though the map in your hands clearly states the direction you ought to go. You think, it's not that simple - not everything can be put down in paper and ink. The complexity is unseen, unheard, only experienced by the subject.

You need something more than a map and a compass. You need guidance from above, spiritual and divine help the human mind cannot comprehend. You bow your head, arms raised in surrender. You mentally throw out everything within you, trusting in the unseen with absolute faith that the weight you carry will be taken away from you. You just need to believe. Believe. Believe.

The Thrill of Running

Running takes your mind off things. Makes you focus on the route ahead, your breathing rate, the stinging by the side of your body, anything but the baggage Life thrusts to you. You leave its contents strewn in a trail as you set off on your journey, however short it may be.

Much to your dismay, you are made to pick up your mess as you return from your pilgrimage, place them back into the awful bag bestowed by Life. It all comes back to you then, slowly but surely.

You can't run away forever. You've got to face it sooner or later. Come back to it. It'll always be waiting for you, there's no escape.

Responsibilities, commitments, trust, and many more which have to be upheld. More to come.

10th JCRC Rally Hall 12

Each Hall in NTU will go through a period of Junior Common Room Committee (JCRC) campaigning, rallying and polling to elect the next batch of students worthy of 'governing' each hall's social, sports and welfare matters, just to name a few.

I have just attended Hall 12's two days of rallying, and the response from its residents - based on both days' turnout - had my eyebrows raised. I don't know about the rest, but I felt that as a hall resident, it is important to know who are the candidates running for the JCRC, and who are the ones who would eventually make decisions on your behalf whenever hall matters are concerned. It was also my first time experiencing such a political event since, well, I'm under 21 and I can't vote for Singapore's next ruling party. I also felt it necessary to be there for 3 of my seniors who are running for JCRC, even though they had their rally yesterday. As an aesthetics performer, I know how it feels like to know that someone is there watching you and being with you (though physically far away) when you are involved in something important to you. So yeah, even though my OG was busying themselves with recreational sports elsewhere, I felt I had to stay at the rally... at least my conscience feels better :)

Having seen almost all the candidates speak, I must say that there is a lot that I can learn from them. I have almost zero public speaking skills, I cannot speak in front of a crowd under pressure, and my nervousness will just give me away. I don't even know if I even have half their certainty that this Hall is worth giving up all other commitments (like school CCAs) for. Not to mention the politics that are bound to arise within the committee, or the skepticism that hall residents may have towards the JCRC. As someone who is very concerned about how people perceive me to be, I simply don't have the guts to step forward like they do. I don't know if I ever will have too. Ha haa.



That aside... I really need to catch up on my studying. I have countless readings to do, and though it may look like I'm always studying, the fact remains that my courses and electives require me to READ and READ and READ and I do not really have a choice but to look like I am a hardcore mugger :( SIGH!

Jesus Take The Wheel

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat
Sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh

Sometimes, it's not that I want to be anti-social and distance myself away from the lot of you. I just cannot find a common topic, cannot identify with your views and way of doing things. It's the little differences that snowball and pull me apart, and there's always this awkwardness that sets in when I'm with you. Well, almost always. More often than not, I find it really difficult to talk to you and be my natural self. I'm making an effort though. But if you want to be exclusive and unaccommodating, there's nothing I can do. Can't you see that I'm already trying? Why can't you do the same? I'm so tired of this.

Hall 3 Friend

Okay, this is really cool. I always knew that Alvin (ex-colleague at e2i, another temp staff) stays at Hall 3, blk 3C but didn't know which block was 3C. Until today. And that he could look into my room from his pantry :O

Start of University Life

So much has passed since I last posted... God has been showering me with blessing after blessing, helping me to adapt to my new school, new friends, new environment.

I attended NTU's Cultural Activities Club (CAC) Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) for 5 days 4 nights, where I had my first clubbing experience, first SP and initiation night, first glipse of how a uni FOC was like. It was then that I got a culture shock too. Suddenly everyone was speaking in Chinese and talking about Chinese singers I didn't know exist. Lol.

I went for the Psychology Society's FOC which lasted 2 days and a night, where I got to know some people from my course. It wasn't really a camp, more like a gathering and for you to mingle with course mates.

I got rejected from HSS FOC as there were too many people and I didn't send in my application early enough. hahaha.

I got rejected for Hall 12 FOC... initially. Until Amelia emailed Boyang and Glenn (the Chair and Vice-Chair) pleading for them to take us in. By God's grace, they did and we were integrated into the large Hall 12 family.. I am still thankful that we managed to go for this camp, for it is kind of like the only way we could really get to know the others from our hall. I have since made friends beyond that of my OG, had numerous activities with Kriffin, went for a Joint Hall Bash with them (aka clubbing) where about half of us went wild.....

These 3 weeks in hall actually went smoother than expected, though I've had some moments where I simply did not want to talk to anyone, especially recently during the hall bash. There were emotions and thoughts that were spilling out of my mind, I didn't know how to organise or express them properly. Lessons have started and already, I'm behind in my readings. I don't know how I'm going to continue with my sociology elective. The readings all make no sense to me, though I thought I could do culture and globalisation perfectly fine. I'm suddenly thankful that I'm majoring in psychology and not sociology.

I'm so sleepy I could drift off right here, right now in my dining room with my elbow resting on my psychology textbook. yawns.

NDP-induced Traffic Jams

See link here http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/stomp/sgseen/this_urban_jungle/397980/traffic_jam_at_nicoll_highway_is_actually_ndp_2010_motorcade.html#commentSection

I second the majority of the STOMPers' comments. I believe the committee has made it clear enough that there would be road closures in view of the parade rehearsals. It has been widely broadcasted to make sure the public is aware of this. Still, people choose to be ignorant and end up complaining about this. Oh well. Their loss.

By the way, it's really fun to be part of the NDP. I'm an usher this year :D Get to watch free parade and ceremony (but 6 times over..), get 2 free tickets to NE1/CR4, and better still.... get to see lots of men in uniform!!!! Haha. Yes all these over 5 Saturdays and a Monday.

How can I keep from singing

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is your love
How can I keep from shouting your name
I know i am loved by the king
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

LSBC Church Camp 2010

Photos in this post are (reproduced without permission) from Yeo Mei's camera. Many thanks, girl. Please don't remove the photos from Facebook or they'll be gone from here too! I didn't save the eeemages, just got the URLs off your album.


This year's church camp was held at The Legend Hotel, KL, with about 750 campers comprising of the elderly, adults, young adults, youth, children and BABIES!! Needless to say, this was another awesome camp with a different set of memories and experiences. The next step is how to maintain this spiritual high that was encountered during the camp.

There were 3 40-seater coaches and 7 or 8 26-seater coaches I think. Those in uncle James' cell and Nelson's cell were in the same coach, together with a couple of other adults and some 17-yr-olds. You could say that our coach was rather lively.

When we arrived at the Malaysia Customs, the group split to join different queues to get our passports stamped. I joined the queue with 4 17yo guys in my coach. And out of the 4, 2 of them couldn't get through because apparently they had been asked to change their passport photos earlier.. which they didn't do. They held up the queue and I had to shout for help (i.e. get the attention of Nelson/Rebecca) to settle this issue. Thank God they eventually got through.. wonder what Nelson said to get them through.

Image 1: Waiting for Nelson to settle the passport photo issue

Journey there was smooth and comfortable :)

Image 2: zzzzzzzzzzzzz

We were greeted like VIPs upon arrival at the hotel. First we were received by the hotel staff who made a path for us to walk through, and welcomed us as we walked through. This was followed by the church elders who stood by a red carpet and welcoming us with noisemakers of all sorts. Party poppers, rattles, you name it. All of us were like, O_O WOW what a reception! Hahaha. But I must say that the hotel staff lived up to their first impression which they left on us. They are really polite. They even say good morning/evening to you when you're walking at the corridor! No pics of the staff though. And there were a few cute waiters. heh heh.

Image 3: This was at the hotel's entrance :)

The food there was only so-so, not THAT bad but not fantastic either. Uncle James (cell ldr) was displeased with almost every dish. He brought us to Madam Kwan's at the Pavilion, near Berjaya Times Square... and boy, THE FOOD WAS SO GOOD I COULD EAT ENOUGH FOR 2 PEOPLE but of course I paiseh, though he said to order whatever and how much we liked, I just ate like a lady. Madam Kwan's makes the hotel food pale in comparison!! Such is the standard of our cell leader. haha. The lunch was on him, and I wonder how much he actually paid. . . .

Image 4: Digging in

Images 5 & 6: Before and after. Food tastes better than it looks.

Image 7: A happy UJC (Uncle James' Cell) outside the restaurant

Singaporeans need to take the trains in KL, experience a train ride for themselves before complaining about our MRT system. Like Emelyn posted on Facebook, I've really come to appreciate our trains a lot more. They're faster, higher in frequency, easier to purchase single-trip tickets, easier to change trains at interchanges, and passengers are considerably more thoughtful. I was disgusted to see how people shoved their way INto the monorail in KL while other passengers were trying to get OUT. And it was SO packed we had to forgo 3 monorails before we finally managed to squeeze ourselves into an emptier train. (no photo sorry) Oh gosh, the horror. That's why we pay higher fares in Singapore too I guess.

Image 8: Cell at Hang Tuah station

Image 9: Another cell at same station

We took the train to Mid Valley on the second day, more than 30 of us. Imagine such a large group walking to the station, purchasing tickets and boarding the train together. It was fun though :)

Images 10 & 11: Our 3osomething-strong group. See background

Image 12: Inside the Ladies' Coach

Image 13: Part of the group

Magnum in Malaysia is really CHEAP (relative to that of Singapore's). One Magnum costs RM3.50 in 7-eleven there, but is I think S$3.90 here. So a lot of us took the chance to indulge in a stick of Magnum ice-cream while we were there after a bak kut teh supper on the first night. (no photos)

My roommate was Jacelyn, again :D

Image 14: Mei nu Jacelyn who was coughing badly throughout the whole camp :(

We forgot to take our groceries after making payment for them at Cold Storage, and only went back 2 days later to retrieve them. Win already. hahahha.

We had a girls night on the second night where girls from the two cells (Nelson's and James') gathered to chill over snacks and some...gossip. hehe. Nothing like a good night with the girls!

On the last day, our coach was one of the last to arrive at the hotel.. so there was lots of camwhoring to pass time :)

Image 15: Very bored Bus B passengers

Images 16: Erm.. wow.

Image 17: One of the last photos taken before someone shouts "BUS B!!!!!!", which was followed by cheers from its passengers. Oh, and our coach number was 7878 :)

--

This year's theme revolved around the goodness of God, and breakthroughs in our personal life and in church.

During the discussion within our cell groups, the topic of serving in a ministry was brought up again. And that was when Michelle, the only other cell mate who is not currently serving, revealed that she has decided to join the Hospitality Team. I was still undecided, and that kinda put greater pressure on me to make up my mind and take action soon instead of sitting around and not doing anything.

For 2.5 years, I have been inactive in service to the church (or, serving God in the church) because I chose to join the AC Chinese Orchestra because I really wanted to be part of an orchestra/ensemble, and both practices clashed. I have been ministry-less ever since. Been thinking of what to join but I just could not come to a conclusion.

People who know me well know that I enjoy performing as part of an ensemble or orchestra, producing music in a group. It's something I have been doing since primary school, and something I intend to do for as long as I can. This has been planned out long ago.. I joined ACCO (where I picked up the erhu) so that I can continue to be part of a performing arts group in university. Because they don't have handbells (which I played in sec sch) or angklungs (pri sch). Music is so much a part of me that I don't ever want to give it up.

I don't think I have mentioned this before, but I communicate with God through songs whenever I can. I find that I can better express myself when I do this. Things which cannot be put into songs are put across through the normal mode of communication - prayer. You see, when words fail, music speaks... and that is something most of us musicians cannot deny.

During the Holy Spirit Night on the third night of the camp, people got ministered to, deliverance took place, God moved among us. It was also through this session that God spoke to me and suddenly everything seemed to fall into place. All the elders and their wives prayed for every camper who wanted to receive prayer and a word from God. The matching of camper to elder was entirely random, which makes it even more freaky when a prophecy is made which the receiver can 100% relate too.

Elder Melvin Gan prayed for me, and he started out with tongues, where my mind was just blank. I expected something to happen, but I just didn't know what. Then he said he felt that the word the Lord had for me was 'Music'.

As he said that, something stirred within me, and I couldn't stop crying after that. Why?

1. Music has always been something very dear to my heart
2. I've been doubting whether my gifting does lie in music cos I cant seem to play/sing as well as I could before
3. I've stopped serving for 2.5 years now, but am quite hesitant in going back to serving in a ministry, and which to serve in. Deep inside I know I want to go back to the worship team (just unsure of when) but
   part of me says I simply am not good enough
4. Melvin, who prayed for me, has no idea what or how much music actually means to me. Which made God seem even more real.
   

I didn't expect God to have been this specific. It could have been any word in the world, but it was Music that God chose to give to me. Like, wow. It was both reassuring as well as a sort of a confirmation at the same time with regards to which area I should serve in. (I spoke to Wendy about this... and she said to follow my heart, and go audition for it when the opportunity arises. That way I can really be sure)

It's like God is telling me not to doubt Him, or doubt what he has blessed me with. This can be really freaky sometimes, when a single word can be so direct and yet mean so many things, answer so many questions I can't seem to find an answer to. That night, God felt so real, I thought I could reach out a hand and touch Him.

The third night was definitely the highlight of the camp for me. It was so overwhelming I can't even explain how I truly felt then. Strangely, it wasn't the guest speaker's sermons that stuck with me. I gained most from SP's message that God is good, gracious and righteous. Never will he let harm come upon is if it does not make us stronger in character and as a person.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good :)

MYOB - When do we draw the line?

People say, it's best not to poke your noses into others' business. Read: Mind your own business, or MYOB. In Singapore terms, it simply means not to be a kaypoh because others may not like it.

It is only natural for human beings to want to know more about what is going on around them, especially when it involves the people they know or care about. Take the school or workplace, for example. It may be a piece of juicy news (scandal, perhaps) or even a bit of information on a devastating event in someone's life. News spread fast, as observation of others' speech and actions eventually lead observers to make their own analysis and inferences, assuming that the subject did not give them a full account of their behaviour and actions. Humans just need to know about what is going on, even if it doesn't concern them at all.

And why does it (people's own inferences) spread? Well... the stimulation of discussion between and among individuals help to bond them together, maybe? There's also the need to hear what others' opinions may be, and to contribute their own to the story.

Of course, humans' need to know is subjective. People may be purely ignorant on current affairs of the country or world, and not bother to find out, out of sheer laziness (or bochup-ness). One explanation for this may be that such events are always happening, always changing, and it does not affect people's life directly. i.e. they are taking place far from home, where people cannot imagine themselves in those situations, or they simply cannot be bothered.

News is always jucier if you have to or happen to find out about them and draw your own conclusions. As mentioned above, this is usually discussed with other beings. When do we draw the line, though? When does such knowledge become gossip, and eventually, betrayal of friendship? Something may be entrusted to someone but that someone just HAS to share it, to hear another person's opinion with regards to that matter. Is there such a thing as knowing to much?

SHeesh, I wanna do up an essay with lots and lots of rhetorical questions (the exact thing my GP teacher said to avoid) but I'm just typing whatever comes to my mind, which is not the least bit coherent! AND my laptop battery is running low, it's gonna blow soon.

Very unfortunately

It happens all the time.. It has happened way too many times...

I wish this would numb it or make me immune to it, but no, it's always the same piercing knowledge that a particular situation would never take place. It's always the same scenario, and yet I fall prey to it.

Why can't I learn my lesson??? Don't place too much hope, because when the disappointment comes, I will not be able to bear it. And this is happening all over again.

I have a weak heart. The disappointment that accompanies the hopes raised in vain does nothing to sooth the ache. Now I truly understand why people say "my heart is bleeding". I can't find another way to describe it.

I also know why people say, ignorance is bliss.

But is it better to be blinded and to go on hoping in vain, or to know about something and face it's implications? I really don't know which is better. I guess this also depends on the context of the situation. In my case, I would choose....neither. Just MOVE ON, MAN! Urgh.

Again, this is just one of the moments. Which will pass. I pray that it will pass quickly, and leave me in peace.

One step closer to NTU...

Goodbye, FASS!! Even though I felt a sudden urge to do Social Work on Saturday...

Prayer is really powerful.

I dreaded work so much this morning (because of some mistakes I made + inefficiency in my response to instructions that resulted in a not very happy boss as expressed in an email), I had no idea how I was going to pull through the day, let alone the week and the weeks to come (6 more). But then I prayed hard, and left it to God to set things right for me, just doing my best and with a little more focus in my work today. And all ended well, with me feeling really high after ASK workshop and so I rewarded myself with a cup of KOI bubble tea at Chinatown with Felicia :D Not to mention, my boss even bought my partner and I a cup of soya bean drink (which I spilled, by the way.. CLUMSY) and beancurd this morning.

Those mistakes and slightly harsh words did make a strong impact on me I guess. Now I put in triple the effort to avoid them. More tiring, but higher satisfaction level.

I am always and will always be awed by how God can help me make a 180deg turn within such a short time. In this case, it would be my mood today... which, strangely, spurs me on to perform better the next day, and the next, and the next. .........


In the end, just to hear You say, "Well done".

Glad to be appreciated :) Nothing can be more satisfying than hearing 'Thank You' after you've done your best.

-----

Today's my first day with my new team.

My Events heads told me the wrong thing -.- I'll be under another head, not the supposedly scarier one. hahaha. I'm more or less okay with my new team. So far. Still adapting.

Still digesting the fact that I won't be at events ever again.

Change of Setting

Tomorrow will be my last time running events with my Events Team.

Come Monday, I will be working under a different department, one which I have been perceiving as.....hell. Under the worst boss any temp could have in the company, or so I've gathered. I may be wrong.

When 2 of the heads in my team broke the news to me today, I was just too stunned for words. After that, I couldn't speak without stammering, couldn't see with tears blurring my vision.

(I think I broke down like 4-5 times this afternoon, it was that bad)

Now I think that maybe God arranged this for some divine reason unknown to me. Why else would He make them transfer me over? So that I can voice out for the rest? Opportunities for growth? Make me more confident over the many phone calls to come? I don't know. All I know is that I'm leaving my team of very sweet and welfarish (no such word, I know) and fun-loving people.

:(


Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart; as working for the Lord, not for men.
Colossians 3:23

THANK GOD!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

Okay firstly, I would like to thank God for giving me a place in uni. I just got my letter from NTU (psychology).

Secondly, I would like to apologise to my friends and colleagues for all the nonsense and -uhm- negative energy I've been emitting, if there's such a thing.

Omg omg omg can't be happier now :D

Fell down? Pick yourself up again! It's not the end yet!

Repost: Complete by Parachute Band

Here I am, oh God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart
I offer up my life

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again


So i lift my eyes to you, Lord
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on, Lord
And I pray I will hold on, Lord
Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in you

Complete - Parachute Band

--

This song speaks so, so much. Many times I feel that singing/listening to worship songs can better express how I feel than having my thoughts penned down in words. There's always a song that can fit and represent what I want to tell God. This time, it's about surrendering my fears of not getting a letter from the local universities. It haunts me sometimes.


Just another thought...

In the bible, it says that Jesus will come again when we least expect it (something along that line). I don't think the second coming will be during the next hundred years or so because, well, everyone's just so aware and hyped up about it. So this is when everyone's gearing up for it, right? This just supports my opinion, that the world will come to an end anytime soon, even though the increased frequencies of tectonic activities are scaring the hell (pardon me) out of everyone.

Also, even if the end times thingy were to happen in the next millennium, we should still live like it's coming tomorrow, and continue to evangelise. Why? Because people die every day, every hour, every minute. Somewhere in the world right now, someone is dying. And what are the chances of that someone not knowing who Jesus is, or knowing of but had refused to accept Him as God? I'd say it's pretty high... So as long as there is someone out there who has yet to give his/her life to Jesus, we should preach like it's judgement day tomorrow. After all, it is a commandment, in the Great Commission. End times or not, it's not a choice we can make. It's a requirement.

I'm starting to get worried...

I have not received any letter of acceptance from the local universities.

When I mentioned SIM to my mum, she reacted by scolding me for not applying for SMU. But the thing is, given my character/personality, SMU is really NOT me. I am not vocal. I will not pass the assessments, let alone the interview. That's for sure.

Maybe I should just work till next year and save up for education at a private university. I don't know.

Hair

Wondering what I should do about my hair...

I just cut my fringe today for $3 :) It was getting too long.

Colour it? Soft rebond it? Perm it? Highlight it? My hair now is kinda dull.

I need a hair consultant! Haha.


Also need to do some research on the causes of menstrual cramps, and why some women get them while others don't. Better still, just ask any aspiring gynecology friend to explain these to me. As of now, I don't know of any of such friends. I could ask Jin Lin (who will be studying medicine in Australia) to read up on these for me though.

Oh, the benefits of having doctor-to-be friends when you're lazy to do your own reading.


Rev Raymond Sim's sermon was very clear and straightforward today :) For once, my mind did not drift elsewhere but remained focused on the Word. Oh my. I really need to stop letting my mind wander during sermons (and cell discussions too, sometimes). *guilty*

Deeply Troubled

Tell me, which idiot sheds tears when a colleague's contract ends?

I wanted to avoid all possible eye contact and conversation today, thinking that it would be easier for me to bear with it. It seems that I was oh-so-terribly wrong.

My desk is so messy right now and yet I don't have the slightest urge to tidy it up. I'm just not in the right state to face anyone right now :(

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

This sounds stupid, like totally dumb, but I feel like just locking myself up in an empty room.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

Shit. I feel like breaking down.

Troubled

When you know that all your efforts would be futile, and you have to go through all that frustration and disappointment which will just build up to nothing, do you still continue to give yourself the green light?

Would you regret even initiating it or console yourself by thinking that at least you tried and gave your best shot (but just couldn't change the outcome)? Even when the probability of it turning around is almost zero?

What would you have done if you were placed in a situation as such? Would it be wiser to have applied the cost-benefit analysis as with economic decisions?


Why am I even doing this?

But God sees the heart so His opinion should be the only one that REALLY counts right? Or am I simply using this approach to console myself again?

Edited 2:40AM, 10 April
All turned out well in the end, thank God :)

That aside, on a completely different note.........

I think I only realise how much someone means to me until that someone leaves.

Time stops for no man. The time has come and I'm not even prepared for that particular farewell ): What does this mean for me? Well the full impact of it is being felt now, tonight, like boomz. (no joke ok) It's kind of depressing. I'm so tempted to express this directly, physically, but urgh I can't. (don't know what i'm saying? no worries. no sex can already)

My friend, you will be dearly missed. What am I to do without you?

(no one died by the way)

(this wasn't supposed to sound like a joke)

Troytees Collection 32

Blog/Online shopping.

It's addictive, no joke about this! Friends who know me well will know that. hehe.

One must make careful decisions regarding which blogshop to buy from, what items to get (etc.) though. Like for me after buying from ohvola twice I realised I really didn't want to buy anymore stuff from there because of the material, and I think it's overpriced. It's just my opinion. The second top I bought from there was defected, in the sense that the proportions were wrong and the buttons were off-centre when worn.

Sweetz Eighteen is a no-no too. QC fail. Waste my money.

Bought the most items from Hollyhoque :) They have really pretty stuff and their clothes are of good quality! Mainly because, I would think, that their items are self-manufactured. They have their own label. Very satisfied with all my tops and dresses I've bought so far, and I'm still awaiting the arrival of my Lace Insert Satin Dress in Blue and my Swiss Cottage Sweetheart Dress (Violet) backorders! Hollyhoque is by far my favourite place to online shop :)

Bonitochico is good too, in terms of quality of materials used and pricing. I would say it's worth the money. BC receives a thumbs up from me for the same reason I gave a thumbs up to Hollyhoque! Horray for blogshops with their own labels! However, due to it's popularity with local ladies and its need to limit the number of pieces for each design to ensure exclusivity, some clothes may become sold out within minutes into the launch. You really have to be fast and make up your mind within a minute of the launch to secure your piece.

Actually, I wanted to post pictures of some pieces I'm eyeing from Troytees, but then I just ended up ranting about the other blogshops -.- Ok so here goes.


Modest Ribbon Capsleeve Dress - $27
I LIKE I LIKE I LIKE

Elegant Sheen Dress - $27

Sweet Delicate Knit Hoodie - $27

I wanttttttttttttt!

But I wont buy because I need more tops than dresses actually. Due to the nature of my work. I only wear dresses when there are no events to run for the day. I wear my corporate tee for the entire day if I'm down for events both in the morning and afternoon. And I wear some other top if I have an event either in the morning or afternoon, so that I can change in/out of my corporate t-shirt.

Okay I will buy one item from above if any of them are still available by the time I get my salary next week! (highly doubt there'll still be stocks by then though)

As of now, my policy when buying stuff online is that the items MUST be self-manufactured by the shop and NOT sourced from overseas (like a particular country that's flooded with red people now) because of the drastic difference in material. There may be exceptions though... but I've not decided on how they should be made yet. Oh and I'm not sure if Troytees designs their own clothes or gets them from somewhere else. But I'll never know how good they are until I try buying from them right :-)

Fun-O-Rama XX

Went back to AC yesterday for Fun-O-Rama!! And armed with $50 worth of coupons -_-

Before that, Victoria, Pei Yan, Amelia and myself had dim sum lunch at Chinatown :D Which I'd say was pretty worth the money since the food was good and our tummies were really stretched after the meal...

There were A LOT of JC students at Buona Vista MRT for who-knows-what reason. I don't think they were all going/had gone for Fun-O-Rama, though. But there was a LONG trail of people walking towards the school, along the stretch of (currently in construction) condos. Or at least it seemed like the whole world was heading to ACJC. hahaha.

Once there, we met up with Jenisse Sheena and Tong. But then split up again cos' PY and I happened to see Jin Lin there, who ended up tagging along with us for the rest of the afternoon. We didn't play any games (PY & I refused to). Spent all our coupons on AC merchandise and food! Sat at LT3 - SCONE's cafe for the day - for a long time too, watching the performances :) But mainly to catch PY's classmates Chee and Lester's item.

What I bought:
1. 2 cups of Swensen's ice-cream (choc and strawberry, omg right)
2. Wanton
3. some mixed fruit drink
4. AC UMBRELLA!!! (really needed a new umbrella! after mine got overturned...)
5. cool mouse which lights up
6. 3 loaves of Gardenia bread for $2 (Jin Lin kept laughing at me and he told Brian abt this who joined in to laugh at me too. Why cannot buy cheap bread?!!)
7. (donated $5)

Hahah okay didn't really buy a lot of food cos' of the full dim sum lunch. It was, well, just like any other carnival. Hot, noisy, crowded, squeeze like mad at the void deck and outside the hall and near the walkway to the canteen. And lots of familiar faces of course :) Ms Too (CCA teacher) said the staff room is open for open house every 2 years HAHA. Cos' of all the Old Boys and Girls walking in and out with/looking for their teachers. I didn't manage to talk to Mdm Tham (my bio teacher who gave weekly consultations) cos' she was being swarmed with ex-students.

I'm a happy girl cos' I got a new umbrella and mouse and said hi to numerous friends today and (together with PY) managed to drag Jin Lin into playing for Encore this year!

How can Jerviel not be at 18/3 Hotel IP??? He's Event OIC! I will die under the other OIC who's gonna stand-in for him!!!!!! Omg ttm.

): ): ): ): ): ): ):

Watch yourself.

You're getting on my nerves. Don't test me.

A level results - the aftermath

Dear Lord,
Please show me the way.

--
I'm thankful for my colleagues - mainly the perm staff - who were there to offer their support just before I left the office yesterday, and after the collection of the slip.

I'm really thankful for my current cell group; they're all very nice and encouraging about the results. I felt so crushed I thought I'd need deliverance or something. I'd still be mega depressed now if not for their prayers and encouragements and advice from their own life stories. It does help that they've been through this and can offer their own experiences and learning points to help the fresh A levelers and would-be undergraduates. Of course I"m thankful for my ex-leaders who, I believe, were praying for us too.
...

--

It just makes me wonder...

In times like this, do students turn to religion to deceive themselves in the hope of thinking that everything would be fine (somewhat like running away from reality) or because they truly believe in what their god can or would do for them? In short, is it faith that pulls them through...or are they merely psychoing themselves?

Some pray harder, make more offerings, do more good deeds, etc. I think doing these will ease their minds, make them feel better about themselves.

I can't really think coherently now, and am thus unable to generate a decent blog post/essay.

I'm not ruling out psychology as a major, though. Yay, arts/humanities/social sciences.

This feels like a test of my faith.
When I don't get my desired results, will I still continue to trust God wholeheartedly, and seek His counsel, follow the path He has laid out for me? (default answer: yes)
As of now, I can't see the future at all. It's a blur and I don't see no path. Yet.

Please be more understanding if I do not reply tags/messages/answer calls, as stated on my current MSN PM. :)

---

You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be Your name

Doomz day soon

I've said this before, but can never emphasise this enough.

Time flies.

My heart is racing, my forehead is wrinkled. I can't stop frowning. I want time to stop so that I will never have to receive my A level results.

*rolls eyes*. How childish, to think that way.

But sometimes that's what I really just want to do. Yeah, I know, life goes on, but, !@#$%^&*( oh man I just wanna sleep and never wake up. Dream dream dream and never stop dreaming. Don't wake up so that I can keep swimming in my little perfect world.

I'm not making any sense. I need to sleep.

The battle has been won, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Whatever I see before me tomorrow will be the product of my (non-existing) hard work in 2008-2009.

I want to blog, but I don't know WHAT to blog about.

This year's CNY was like any other year, nothing special ...

I like working at e2i. :) I like working under Events, to be more specific. Cos' I get to do OT (read: more money) and I'm not desk-bound unless I have nothing to do (like now, which is why I'm blogging). There's a retreat tomorrow and we temps are going for it too. The Events Team is really nice, they absorbed a large portion of the cost so that we don't have to pay so much. (cos well, we earn a lot lesser than they do).

The guys (temps) are leaving next Friday. All 4 of them. Why do their contracts end on the same day?? ): ): It's nice to have some males around sometimes. I'm being frank here.

Working at e2i has made me more determined to brush up on my Mandarin. Haha is that good or what.

My bed is calling out to me. Roar.

Dear Aunty Daphne

Dear Auntie Daphne,

You're free from all pain now. Your body looks so peaceful, you look just like Snow White waiting for her prince to come. But I know that your Prince (of peace) has already come for you, and never again will you worry, never again will your forehead be creased to show signs of distress. I wonder how it feels like to be in heaven...? Where all is peaceful and joyful?

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for not visiting you when your soul was still around. I wish I could tell you how much I regret not being there to hold your hand and tell you that I love you. It's too late now, you won't see this. I thought there would be time, that when God brought you out of ICU He'd let you live with Uncle Chee Keong for decades to come.Who knew what plans He'd have? I didn't even get to say goodbye!

Aunty Daphne, you're a strong woman. You didn't blame God or letting the cancer get to you. You were ever grateful to God for giving you the extra time to be here with the ones you love after you left the care of nurses at Mt. Alvernia hospital. And of course for uncle CK who always stayed by your side. We all love you very much, you know? This separation's gonna take awhile to sink in, but we all know you won't want to see us like this. My sis is like an empty shell too, getting restless and everything...

I'm not gonna cry, I'm not. I know God has better plans for you up there... It was out of mercy that He stopped you from suffering, I know that too. And because of these, I know there should be no reason to cry...

Thanksgiving - Job

(Something I should have completed and published long ago, but posted only now because of. Well. My mood :) )

This will be my 666th post. Gosh what a number. Not that I'm superstitious or anything, but 666 is so inappropriate for a thanksgiving post!

God has showered me with blessings these 2 weeks (hasn't He always?). Great way to start the year!

I don't feel like typing in prose form, not really. But I think I'll end up doing so, somehow.


1. I got my current job through Recruit Express, a recruitment agency.

The thing about that is, I've read a forum thread online with PAGES and PAGES of complaints from unhappy candidates who applied with RE. Things like the agent made them go down to the office for nothing, agent and applicant quarreled over the phone, agent and interviewer gave different job scopes and salary, agent didn't bother to call applicant back after unsuccessful interview etc. It's endless. I tried to read all of them but I got bored and gave up eventually.

I'm just REALLY thankful that my consultant wasn't anything like these unfortunate people (who posted on that thread) described. He was patient with me (I asked lame qns and kept asking him to repeat what he just said - "har? sorry can repeat again? can slow down?"), he called me several times a day for about a week (didn't abandon my case that fast), only asked me to go down to the office to fill up the application form and to sign the contract (i.e. only when necessary) etc.


2. Jenisse was supposed to get this job, not me.

But by God's grace, this job went to me because Jen rejected this job because she preferred the job at the Ministry of Law. Geddit?? They interviewed 8 people for this 2 temp positions under the events department at e2i, and one of them actually went to Jenisse. The other went to May, whom I'm working closely with now. If not because she opted not to work here, I would not be here! But I still think it's by God's grace that I'm at e2i. I mean, can you think of another reason why this can work out so well?

My agent actually called me up on the day of the interview to say it was not a success (major disappointment then but i thought, don't give up lah keep searching), called again to recommend my CV over to a Canadian MNC insurance company (which I approved - duh, desperate!), and called the third time that day to say "e2i want to employ you leh!!!". My voice did not betray my emotions at that time. I bet I sounded bored, haha. The next day, when I went down to sign the contract, he confirmed my suspicions that the job went to me (only) because Jen rejected it


3. Sheena also went for the same interview.

Though she did not get THIS job, again it is by God's grace that she's here and we are working under the same company. Thing is, the interviewer (who is now my supervisor/in-charge) KIV-ed her for other positions under other departments. So when she was called down for another interview, it wasn't really an interview but more of to show her around and tell her what she'll be doing. That day when she SMSed to say she was at e2i for another interview I was totally OVER THE MOON! When one door closed for her, another opened, and both doors lead to the same place, just a different room.

So here she is, working under the same company, sitting in the same temp staff room as me :) How cool is that, to have your own (ex-)classmate working under the same roof as you??



God is really amazing. Look at the way He worked things out for me when I put my trust in Him. Though I admit I did get whiny over being unemployed during my 2 weeks of doing nothing. But isn't that human nature? Still.. the colleagues... the other temps here... the events team... I thank God that He has blessed me with these wonderful people whom I will be working with for the next 5 months and 2 weeks. I can't imagine working with any other people. And my job is meaningful because of what my company does, that is, to provide aid to the unemployed. That means providing training and opportunities :)

During my second week into the job, I was involved in 3 offsite events. Toa Payoh, Yishun, and Bras Basah. O_O Again, I thank God that I'm in the events team and not like, call centre or other departments. I look at what the other temps here are doing and well, it makes me even more grateful that I'm not placed in other departments... though initially I wanted to do their very ADMIN kind of job(s). Cos' being on your feet at events really beats sitting at your desk for 8.5 hours a day. Trust me, it does.

And, how often do you get a job after just one interview???

God is good. God is good. I can't emphasise that enough. God is good.

HIRE ME! HIRE ME!

WHY DOESN'T ANY COMPANY WANNA HIRE ME!

Job-searching is tiring. And I'm only looking for a temp job!

New environment, new friends/colleagues, it's gonna be pretty scary for a newbie like me. I've never worked before! But still...

THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Hello, e2i! 6 months at Redhill. Oh my.

help

One thing I want to do this year is to be of more help to the people around me. Not be a pain in the ass.

It feels great to know how a simple act may go a long way to help someone else :)

For example.

Joel Lim's MSN nick had been stagnant as "anyone noes of a good math or chem tutor?" for more than a month. I wanted to introduce my old math tutor to him, but always felt 'lazy' to do so. I finally told Joel about Ryan, blah blah blah and 2-3 days later Joel sent me a message saying he just had tuition. Then of course he changed his nick. "YAY!!! Got Maths Tuition!!!".. I should have done this earlier though, didn't know he has a paper on the first day of school next week. Still, I'm glad I didn't leave him to hunt for his own private tutors.

It's very tempting to take the credit and say something like, "If I didn't tell Joel about Ryan, he probably would fail his supp paper." Uh uh. I know deep inside that it's more than that. If God hadn't prompted me to do something about this, he would still be struggling at this time! So the glory still goes to Him (:


Thank God also that my phone did not break down when the representatives from different job agencies called me! Sometimes when I'm on the phone with people, the other party would not be able to hear my voice whereas I still hear them. So it's like they're going "hello? hellooooo??" but what they hear is silence. hmmm. I really must take better care of my phone and stop being clumsy with it.

Conformity, or deviation?