Live as children of light

I was looking out for the verse of the day on my YouVersion bible app, but opened Ephesians 5 as it was displayed on my home page. I can't recall if I've set a kind of daily reading plan for it T_T which may explain that. But yeah anyway I read it and thought it was quite applicable.

Ephesians 5

New International Version (NIV)

 ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

 ³ But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. ⁴ Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. ⁵ For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.^[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. ⁷ Therefore do not be partners with them. 

 ⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹ Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³ But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. ¹⁴ This is why it is said: 

   “Wake up, sleeper,
   rise from the dead,
   and Christ will shine on you.” 

 ¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

What was most salient to me was verse 4 - "Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving". It is so very common in university and especially at this age, where friends are constantly making sick jokes, jokes with sexual innuendos, freely using profanities, among other forms of speech. Language is so beautiful and yet it can be used in transmission of such unclean, unholy  stuff. I was, initially, uncomfortable with hearing these (the sick jokes), but eventually got used to them and even started saying them as well. This is a reminder: not to engage in such conversation, but to live wisely (verse 15) and watch my actions.

I love praising and worshipping God through songs. It's through music (and dance, actually) that my innermost feelings can be expressed, and make me feel more engaged with God. In fact I worship more than I pray. So when I read verses 18-20, something just clicked. I've always wanted to have a kind of Christian group in hall where residents can worship together, share the Word, and pray for one another, including the hall. I've always envisioned this... maybe it's time to start this again next year, because this really lifts the spirit and life would be so much more meaningful. And pure.

God's Word is so practical, and yet contains so much wisdom. The challenge comes in trying to live as He wants us to.

Musings

Don't think I've blogged this yet - Lei Hoi's hamsters gave birth awhile back and I adopted one from her :) My hammy's named Oyster. It's a very random name, I know. Oyster's really adorable and hyperactive/overstimulated on some nights. I can never hold her when she's like this.

Wasn't easy trying to get a clear shot of her!

Taken with Instagram

She currently lives in a cage under my table :) She keeps the loneliness away. I can watch her for an hour without being bored. 

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Taken with Instagram
No filter

The tree trunk is so in the way -.-

This is what I look at every Tuesday as I wait - with much annoyance - for the arrival of Bus C at the bus stop outside hall. I always made it a point to wait at the bus stop at least 20 minutes before my lecture starts... but manage only 10-15 minutes earlier instead. And I end up being 10-15 minutes late for my lecture at LKC LT. Bus C is the most complained-about shuttle bus in NTU.

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Taken with Instagram

I've started mindmapping a little too late. :( Exams start next week wth. This mindmap I made really helped in showing me how much I DON'T know about psychological disorders. 

It's the time of the semester. Oh gosh. Help. I feel so screwed. 

-- 

I signed up to be a volunteer for this year's NDP. Yes, again. Hope I don't regret this cos' it burns 8 Saturdays. 

Realise I didn't blog about my NDP, YOG and SCMS volunteering experiences for the past 2 years. Wonder why I didn't do so.

Well, thank you for reminding me of our differences. The one, stark difference that seals the answer.

Keeping my options open, then.

Just a thought

After last night...

Sincerely,

Me

taking a turn

You know things just got dangerous when you start feeling negative about this - slight anger, fear, anxiety, even insecurity.

Yet in your head you know the situation is perfectly normal, being an everyday occurrence. So why is your brain reacting this way? Objectively, you have no reason to act like the subjects in the situation have violated your rights and treat them differently than you normally would. Yet your brain works to send signals to make you feel otherwise. This is why people say, you control your emotions, don't let it control you. What they mean is that (especially when the emotion is negative) when you let emotions tweak your planned course of action... you may act to change the climate of the situation, and stir up unhappiness or tension.  

Humans are such complex creatures.

Ok, I think I can never fully comprehend and make sense of such emotions.

So conflicted.

Distance

The sun is filling up the room
I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now

I wish we would just give up
Cos' the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now

I'll give you everything I am
All my broken heartbeats
Until I know you understand

I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

I keep waiting for you to take me
You keep waiting to save what we have

So i'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long till we call this love, love, love?

This is such a beautiful song, I don't know why I didn't discover it till today. Then again, I've liked all  Christina Perri songs that I've heard so far. They're such emo songs that describe girls' pains. Or my pains, every now and then. I'd love to dance contemp to them.. if not for the fact that I can't dance well and can't choreograph -.-

Scrunched up

I keep frowning these days.

Why can't I meet such simple demands and expectations?

May the creases at my forehead smooth out, and my facial muscles work to invoke positive emotions.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Random

Eh...

I don't usually get blog views. But I got a sudden surge of blog hits today O_O Wonder who discovered this space, haha.

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Been feeling very encouraged by the words and music from this song recently :) A timely reminder of how big, loving, and ABLE our God is.

Meetings and their effects

This article - Attending meetings lowers IQ, scientists say - published by TODAYonline, sparked some interest on Facebook some time back. People who disliked meetings were quick to use this to their weapon, without actually analysing the article or the original research done, the primary source. I just find it ridiculous that there are actually people who propose to abolish meetings because of this -.- Come on. How else are groups and teams going to engage in interpersonal communication???

This blog entry - Stuck on your ideas: fixation in group brainstorms - caught my eye too, while doing some online search for my Cognitive Psychology presentation. Unfortunately, I haven't exactly had the time to read through this. It's an interesting topic. I WILL READ THIS. After I have cleared all my outstanding to-dos.

New Cardigan from Hollyhoque!

Prior to my purchase at last week's launch, I already had 3 Hollyhoque knit cardigans, and I had told myself that 3 was enough. However, the preview for the criss cross knit long cardigan in red won me over, and after much deliberation, I decided I MUST camp for this item - which I did successfully - and made it my fourth knit cardigan from HH! I helped Candice cart out one as well cos' she, too, thought that this cardi was nice! :P My heart was racing 3 minutes before launch time, and I made one wrong click when carting out (clicked paypal instead of iB/ATM transfer payment method) so can you imagine how anxious I was?!! But I was overjoyed when I managed to cart out TWO cardis :D Duh.

I was super excited to receive my parcel, and when did, tried it on immediately.

Outerwear: Criss Cross Knit Long Cardigan - Hollyhoque
Top: Mandarin Collar Lace Top - Hollyhoque
Bottom: Flap Ruches Bandage Skirt - Hollyhoque
(this photo is also on instagram)

Though a little overwhelming on a UK6, the comfort, design, patterns and colour totally had me won over :) It's perfect for girls who want to keep warm in air-conditioned places (like, really perfect. Warmer than my other cardis) and look good at the same time. It's in a reeeeeeeeally lovely shade of red, and a unique addition to my wardrobe :) No regrets for this purchase - so far. And I hope it wont stretch too much, because the main body of the cardi is kinda big :( Doesn't hug my body like other cardigans when I button it up! I'd give this a 5/5 rating if the body part was more fitting! My rating currently stands at 4/5 for this.

Right after I removed the plastic :)

I think many girls would agree that it's the entire online shopping experience (including the camping and anticipation)  that makes us happy; it's not just the purchased item. I HAVE to add this as a psych major - satisfaction with an online purchase increases when you know that you managed to get a popular item that was sold out within 2 minutes of the launch :P The extent of increase depends on knowledge of the quantity demanded and sold. Based on personal experience lol. I may just conduct a survey to test this out.

Have I mentioned? THE RED IS JUST SO PRETTY <3

And I shortened and edited the above review before submitting it for AFC - A Fashionista's Confession. Made myself sound less excited and fanatic. AFC is the store's way of encouraging customers to write reviews which will be posted on their blog, and then give discounts for their next purchase. I would have given a longer review if not for the fact that the reward is fixed at $1.50 hahah.

I just HAPPENED to be wearing HH apparels for school that day. I got the top a loooong time ago, and I still love it because of the chiffon silk material and the pretty crotchet details :)

Credits to Hollyhoque. 

This is how it looked on the model, Nicole. Of course it looks much better on her haha. I hope HH manufactures more of such tops with chiffon silk material and crochety/lacey stuff! Really like those <3

Posting about clothes makes me happy yay :) There are certain parts of my physical self that I'm not exactly satisfied with, like my teeth, my chin (sighhhh my chin :( ), and my lips. But what I'm really thankful for is my size! I mean, I can fit into all these awesome clothing and I don't have to keep being conscious of how much or what I'm eating. Though of course I control my diet so that my tummy will not keep showing. Each time I look at my body in the mirror, I thank God that He didn't make me any bigger or smaller :)

I'm losing my drive, and I need it back badly. Fast. It's critical; all that's been done thus far would otherwise come to naught.

Need motivation. Loads of it.

Fuzziness

It's been awhile since I got butterflies in my stomach from meeting familiar people. Or a familiar person.

Kinda forgotten how it feels like. This feels somewhat different. It's neither in this zone, nor that. I'm hoping that it will not turn out the way I think it will. Don't want to feel disappointed again and experience that whole cycle all over.

--

I deliberately avoided you - for the first time. Gives you more time to reflect I guess. Hope you had a pleasant day nevertheless.

Cold.

It's nice to have someone (usually the same person) who asks you why you're not sleeping, and to go to sleep all the time. I feel so ^_^. Though the feeling doesn't usually last. It's just one of the many small things that warms me now. Take them away, and... I cannot imagine how my perceived life will be.

Wanted to type that I feel a lack of.. the sense of affiliation and belonging to what used to be this group of coursemates I was close to, and in hall, I just don't truly fit in anywhere. I'm everywhere but nowhere in hall. In church... the closeness just isn't there, but that's mostly my fault for investing so much in hall/school (where I don't get much returns anyway). I always seem to be looking at the people and groups I (was) close to, from a third person's perspective. And I cannot picture myself in there anymore. It makes me retreat further. I always ask myself... am I trying too hard? Then I withdraw. Everyone seems better off without me anyway. What am I? Nothing. I'm worthless to them.

(then somewhere at the back of my mind, the memory of Pastor Derek's closing to his sermon not long ago nudges me, urges me to stop these thoughts... )

Year 2 has been emotionally-challenging so far. I find myself being a lot more defensive (towards friends), suspicious, pessimistic, and cynical than usual. Before this year, I had never blown my top at anyone (family aside). I've done so a few times already, and it makes me wonder...what is it that made me do this? Is this normal at all? My self-esteem feels like it's taken a dip.

My perception of the environment just got a lot worse. It's colder, bluer than ever before. The warmth that I crave seems so far away now.. and I'm starting to lose hope in myself, in my social environment.

I should just sleep.

Departure

Less of me, more of You.

Sometimes I don't know why I think in certain ways, act in ways which I dont even understand. I feel like a teenager going through some emotional turmoil, with things going the wrong way all the time. Useless, weird, queer, unwanted, insensitive, impulsive, trying too hard to be someone I'm not.

I don't know what I'm doing. It's quite worrying.

Talk about being a year 2 psychology undergrad.

I'm starting to think that I took up this course because I unconsciously think that this will benefit myself.

Pot calling the kettle black.

3 down, 2 to go

I stayed in hall last weekend to study for my major mods.. 2 cores and a PE. This week I'm headed to church from hall, and am returning back after lunch to study for my 2 electives.

Can't really see, but here's my OOTD!

Shirtdress: Hollyhoque
Belt: Hollyhoque
Shoes: Giovanna
Bag: UK

Love this dress because of the jersey cotton material and its comfort :)

Try me. Go on.

Two more days

Since Monday this week, exactly a week to my first paper, I have been religiously waking up at 8.30, proceeding to the Reading Room in hall to reserve a table, having breakfast (set A: half boiled eggs, kaya toast and iced coffee, and sometimes a banana), then sitting at the desk right till 2am. With the occasional lunch/dinner/bathroom/nap breaks of course. It's something I've never done before and never had the discipline to do in my life. So I really thank God for my roomies, Eileen and Deborah, whom i've been able to sustain this routine with. Without them, I really doubt I'd be able to stay calm till now. I have this habit of doing random stuff, everything but study.

So this is the secret to being like those 'hardcore' students from China-

1. Have disciplined roomies.
We influence each other. Really. Even Eileen says she wasn't this hardworking last year (whether or not we actually study for soooo many hours is another thing, haha). We eat together, study together, and sleep together. Life would have been so much more dull and depressing without them. Deb is an inspiration, she displays such determination all the time!

2. Study in a conducive, comfortable place. Preferably one that's highly sought.
My hall's reading room is awesome, large tables, comfy chairs (not those plastic ones), with table light, silent (with the occasional annoying neighbours who takeaway meals - oh, the smell - beside you, mumble to themselves, make noise by fidgeting). Such conduciveness is both a blessing and a curse. It makes residents compete for a table (read: wake up early to reserve one), forcing Eileen and I to wake up early - or face the consequence of not having such comfort for the rest of the day and possibly having affecting productiveness (I have a tendency to relax and do everything UNrelated to studying). It's also good because the presence of others, especially the China students who are incredibly hardworking, somewhat pressures me to revise and not slack. Don't underestimate the power of the (real or imagined) presence of other people, as demonstrated in social psychology studies.

3. Have proper meals.
That's where we get energy to fuel our cognitive and physiological activities. My meals are the ideal breakfast-lunch-dinner structure and not lunch-dinner-supper or dinner-supper like it was during the semester. I feel better this way too.

4. Threaten yourself.
It's what drives me, somehow. If I don't sleep by 3am (ideally - 2am), I wouldn't be able to wake up the next morning, (or wake up feeling utterly like crap and regret not sleeping earlier), I wouldn't be able to get a table in the comfort of the reading room, I wouldn't be studying in the presence of fellow residents who are the epitome of hard work and discipline, I wouldn't be able to sit there and read through my notes for hours without getting some major distraction. I'd then sleep late again, and the cycle repeats. And then regret it at the end of the day, and after the exams. This is the last lap, the only time left to salvage my situation and the lousy assignment/quiz/mid-term grades during the sem.. And it's all about my psychological well-being I guess. Not wanting to feel like shit knowing that I could have at least have my best during this week and yet didn't do it.

Okay that was a lot of time ispent typing this, about 40 minutes gone now. Gotta get back to my notes. Or regret it. Self-threats work for me at least.

First OOTD Post

I find it really amazing that, being in the midst of the intensive revision period right before the exams, i can still blog like this. With a bo liao post like Outfit of The Day (OOTD)

Inspired by the posts those famous bloggers do up. Hahah.

Top: Cotton On
Skirt: Zara (gift from Fiona!)
Belt: Came with another pair of shorts from Bugis Street
Bracelet: New Look, RuGuo

This is so act yi ge, I cannot stand it. Muahahah.

Okay back to studying.

Be righteous. Do what is right, and just. Somebody has to be the 'bad guy'.

Wisdom from Proverbs

I am put in a spot. I have expected this, expected myself to reach this point, and I wondered if I would be able to handle this.

I have not broken down yet. (okay, maybe once, but that was because I was overwhelmed with school work. Whenever I break down, it's always about school work) Thought it would be right to turn to the right Source for help instead of trying to analyse and work things out on my own. I read through my old posts a few days ago and found that back then I really trusted God with everything, and I was mostly... at peace. It could also be due to the fact that I didn't have to deal with what I am dealing with now, but oh, how I long to have that kind of faith I once had. 

Read a bit from the book of Proverbs, and here God reminded me about the importance of wisdom, about the need to be righteous and just

²⁰ My son, pay attention to what I say;
   turn your ear to my words.
²¹ Do not let them out of your sight,
   keep them within your heart;
²² for they are life to those who find them
   and health to one’s whole body.
²³ Above all else, guard your heart,
   for everything you do flows from it.
²⁴ Keep your mouth free of perversity;
   keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
²⁵ Let your eyes look straight ahead;
   fix your gaze directly before you. 
²⁶ Give careful thought to the^[c] paths for your feet
   and be steadfast in all your ways.
²⁷ Do not turn to the right or the left;
   keep your foot from evil.

Proverbs 4: 20-27

I know it is indeed a reminder from God because of the physiological reactions I experience as I read this (increased heart rate being one of them). Here's another one:

¹⁰ The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,    and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. 

Proverbs 9:10

Also, as I read this, I knew that my every action had to have God in mind, whatever I do and think must be a testimony to Him.

¹⁷ Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life,
   but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.
 ¹⁸ Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips
   and spreads slander is a fool.
 ¹⁹ Sin is not ended by multiplying words,
   but the prudent hold their tongues.

Proverbs 10:17-19 

Dear Lord, please guide me as I walk this path. Help me to be a loving person, faithful, and humble. You will show me the way as go along, and I really want to take each step with the assurance that You are with me, and You are providing me with all that I need. Help me to walk in accordance with Your will, Your word, that I may please You and not myself... As I continue to carry out my duties, Lord may You direct me and grant me the wisdom and favour that I will need especially in this area. I commit everything into Your hands - my exams, my duties, the people I work with, among others. I thank You for Your grace that greatly abounds and I know that You will be my guide. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Outdated

Hello.

This space has been very much abandoned :( Basically life has been nothing short of busy. Last year this time I've still had some time to club and all, but this year it's totally different. This is the biggest decision I've made yet 

Hall 12; 11th JCRC. Credits: Bryan, Publication Director. 

Many ask why I decided to step up; this decision came as a surprise to many. I was relatively uninvolved last year, I was a nobody, I was quiet, unimportant. Well I decided that this would change this year. I wanted to do something more.

I'm still trying, to be more proactive, understanding, rational, discerning. I'm learning. 

I would like to thank my friends who have stood beside me, supported me and encouraged me. To the 11th, too, for understanding why I do what I do, cos' ultimately we want the hall to be happy and have a fruitful hall life. 

When the going gets tough, I am constantly reminded that 

1. I get 9 points for a reason.

2. Life isn't all flowers and butterflies. As Yus (my predecessor) once told me, I'll emerge a stronger individual. 

3. God will never leave me nor forsake me.

Hope this is a process of self-actualisation :) 

Thoughts on Evolution

I blog whenever I feel inclined to. Haha.

This semester, I'm taking Evolutionary Psychology as a major prescribed elective. One of the main concerns I've had is about how evolution clashes with my faith, and by studying this subject, my views towards the subject or my faith may.. waver. Still, I'm quite confident that this will not be the case.

Okay, so species exist because of this whole process of natural selection. If this were indeed true (we're not rejecting the possibility), why can't it have happened because God made it this way? Why can't it be that he created the very first batch of organisms, and then let speciation occur by evolution? I know that Darwin proposed that all life evolved and branch out of a common ancestor, a single being. Up till now, I still don't see how, say, we can be similar to a fish.

This whole science vs religion war should just.. vanish. They can complement each other, I think it's just how you look at it.

And for the rest of this semester, I'm just gonna take this approach as I study this course - God allowed natural selection to take place because He sets all rules of nature. Well all accept the part on human evolution, that's just.. ridiculous.

I don't know why I keep letting my guard down. Allow myself enjoy you for awhile, then hurting from the knowledge that I was just one out of the few (or many?) you'd had. You clearly aren't into anything serious.. so why the deception?

Everything is temporary. Nothing is permanent. Except for the Word of God.

You are magnificent,
eternally wonderful, glorious
Jesus, no one ever will compare
to you, Jesus

Two weeks till the start of a new school term. With boldness, with His guidance, I shall step into a fresh academic year, seeking Him in every aspect of my life, involving Him in my every decision. At least that's what I wish to do, and it shall become reality.

I will treasure relationships (friendships) more, because they can be so fragile, as I have learnt this summer. One wrong move, one wrong misinterpretation, and things could go awfully wrong, no matter the perceived strength of the relationship. It takes effort to patch things up. Of course it does... and this I have failed to do.

Other than this, well, I will be extra wary of where and who I invest my time, trust and hopes in. I really hate the feeling of falling hard and the experience of pain from that fall.

We cry 'Holy, holy, holy God'

It's late and I should be sleeping but this is something I simply cannot not blog.

Today's prayer concert (or rather, yesterday's) was simply indescribable.

I went to church, not expecting much, but was given much much more than what my tiny heart could contain. I was distracted from the start.. thinking about stuff, about whether Cheryl was gonna appear beside me since I had seats reserved (she didn't in the end haha). Those thoughts vanished when Pastor Beow Chin came up and made the congregation read verses from Matthew 11. The verses that said, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest .... That slowly started to sink in, and I realised I had been too preoccupied with PFOC, the registrations, emails, payments etc, and I had grown very weary. I was (still am a little) constantly worrying about how the camp will turn out, whether the GLs had emailed or SMSed their freshmen, whether the programmes would turn out okay.. There was just too much that had been on my mind. 

And there, God offered rest. Just when I needed it. 

What was most amazing wasn't just this. It was when Pst Beow Chin did something (I think) nobody would have expected, us being in a brethren church. She said she was going to speak in tongues, and one or more of us from the congregation were going to interpret it. I didn't really know what to expect, until she spoke again in a tongue not understood by us but certainly left an impact on us. I don't know if it was the way she spoke, or the mysteriousness of it all, but I certainly felt a change in the atmosphere. 

People who went up mostly said how God was opening His arms to embrace us, to love us, ... But I felt His holiness in a way that I had never experienced before. I could only stand there, rooted, in awe of His purity and reverence, which just led to weeping. Of course I wasn't the only one who was weeping there.. God's presence was so tangible then, it made me want to go worshiping Him, in proclamation that God's name is holy. 

I didn't go for this year's church camp, but I felt that the encounter at this prayer concert had somehow made up for it. And there's going to be more of such encounters, as I feel that God is going to move in mightier ways in LSBC and in the community. 

Our God is truly an awesome God. 

Coming your way

Still in the midst of typing my OVE post.. Hope to finish it soon. It was nothing short of awesome :)

I've been busy with Psych FOC admin, the freshies have been sending their applications in :) Thank God :) I hope they keep them coming! And need to pray for more psych majors to sign up for the camp too. And the seniors, well I'm trying to work out a suitable date for everyone to have a mass briefing.

On top of that, I'm still thinking of what to do with the logistics. Leave them in HSS building with Psych Division, or move them to Nanyang House. Or ask if we can store them at SAC yet. This is a major headache which I can't avoid, since it's my job...

Reaching Out to CARE

It's the first time I had been away for Singapore for more than a week. My longest time out of the country yet.

No regrets having signed up for NTU Hall 12 OVE 2011.

This remains my favourite photo from the entire trip.. It shows how we're so excited and eager to go out there and do our bit for Cambodia, how we're all prepared and good to go.

Credits: Candice

I could not help but notice the stark contrast between the level of development of Cambodia and that of Singapore. It just made me wonder what's wrong. Why are they still living in such... kampong-type of houses? Why don't they have a proper drainage system? Why are living conditions so much worse than what we have now? Is it because of the inefficiency of government (Cambodian People's Party made sure everyone including the tourists knew who they were by planting signboards everywhere), or the fact that Cambodia is primarily agriculture-based?

After we left Siem Reap for Phnom Penh for R&R, again we saw how different the two states are. It was hard to believe that such major income and infrastructural inequalities exist within the same country. When we passed the hotels and went for buffets (2 dinners 1 lunch), it always made me ache, because after seeing life at Siem Reap, I simply could not absorb the fact that people were living in such poor conditions with such simple meals while we lived like the rich, (again) all within the same country. 

More grateful for what I have now? Yeah, of course. 

Medical help was not exactly accessible... and tourists, unfortunately, get charged with higher consultation fees. At least that was what Chak Mun (our host at the Boys' Brigade Learning Centre, BBLC, at Pouk Village) found out. Marcus decided that I should be taken to the clinic after my body temperature kept rising and remained above 39 degrees on our 2nd last day at BBLC. At first it was at the 37 range, then it increased by at least 1 degree after the absurdly strong wind and rain after lunch, where Shing Kwan walked me back to BBLC and gave the Silk Farm visit a miss. I simply couldn't rest properly that afternoon... so I went out to join my class at their farewell despite the high fever. Bad decision, because my body temperature then rose above 39deg. Ziliang had bought ice for me earlier that day, so that I could be closely monitored sponged (by many friends, it was quite appalling) after that. This happened despite my cries for them to stop. It was that bad, the cold... The tuk tuk ride to and back from the clinic made it worse, my whole body went numb from the cold, such that I couldn't move at all :( Chak Mun and Li Qiao went with me. 

I'm supposed to continue the post.... 

when the meaning of 'home' is questioned

Sometimes I just feel the urge to stay away from home.

Home isn't really home. Just an address on my identification card.


Sometimes hall (12) feels more like home, though there are times where I feel terribly lonely. But right now it seems hall provides more warmth than my residential address does.

Better late than never

Before one can truly enjoy studying, one must have a genuine interest in the subject of study.

And what if that interest is somehow lost?

To simply say that one can ask God for it may sound childish, reflecting a seemingly naive mindset. But doesnt God want us to have child-like faith? To rely on His daily provision (including the motivation and will to study) would be enough to help us live through each day... This, I strongly believe.

No, this is much more than cognitive dissonance.

Bits from HP202

Conscience refers to an internal regulation of standards of right and wrong that involves an integration of all three components of moral development - thought, feeling and behaviour (Kochanska & Aksan, 2007)

Moral development of children 
Piaget - younger children characterised by heteronomous morality (4-7 year-olds, justice and rules can't be changed, properties of the world removed from control of people) and imminent justice (a broken rule results in immediate meting of punishment) , older characterised by autonomous morality (frm 10 years, intentions of the individual are considered, rules are subject to changes, awareness that punishments do not always follow wrongdoing. intentions > consequences)
Kholberg - development from one stage to another is fostered by 1. opportunities to take the perspectives of others and 2. experience of conflict between (i) one's current stage of moral thinking and the (ii) reasoning of someone at a higher level.

when i feel like typing instead of writing

All definitions here are taken from my textbook. Elliot, A., Timothy, D. W., & Robin, M. A. (2010). Social Psychology, (7th ed.). United States, New Jersey: Pearson.

Transactive memory - The combined memory of two people that is more efficient than the memory of either individual. So the memories of individuals together are additive? huh.

Process loss - any aspect of group interaction that inhibits good problem solving.

Resisting

I am very temped to ask you to ____ off, but no, I shall resist, even though your words were really harsh. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive. Either way, you need to watch your tone or our friendship is going to get shakier.

I'm subjected to so much upward comparison every day, it's really scary and stress-inducing. It doesn't help that my social relations are screwed up as well.

Maybe it's because I look so gloomy these days. But how can I not look gloomy when the expectations are so high and I can't live up to them?

Help. Please, help. 

this, among others

(being asked a string of questions, and repeatedly answering 'no')

Me: Tsk! Does it matter?!?!

You: erm... yah..?

I guess that 'yah' was what I wanted to hear. 

Reminder to self: don't be so vulnerable. Lower expectations in this area, or better still, don't expect anything at all. You don't want to be disappointed yet again. 

I feel really miserable now.

I feel like I've let so many people down, even myself.

Why? Whywhywhywhy?

Walking into a building on fire

I never thought I'd break down halfway through a project meeting but well, I did. That's how bad things are and will continue to be this way until 19 May.

Some photos to cheer myself up.

Credits: Joe/WanHui, LSBC

Credits: Wan Hui.
I tried to edit it but ahh editing skills FAIL. 

Credits: Ling Jia, LSBC
I like how we all look so happy with our drinks :D

Credits: Yangyang, NTU Psy/1
The day most of the cohort wore blue to a lecture but our dear Ringo (lecturer, acting head of psych division) pretended not to notice.

Credits: Yangyang, NTU Psy/1
Lunch on blue day!

Credits: Candice, NTU Hall 12
The day we had our Hall 12 Subcomm Appreciation Night. Black ftw.

Credits: Candice, NTU Hall 12
Yes we had our event on a boat. Cool right. 

Credits: Alvin, NTU Hall 12
The people I hang out with in hall. Adopted into their OG.

I just realised that my clothes in the above photos (Bohemian Love 3/4 Sleeves Dress in Cream, Mandarin Collar Lace Top in Navy, Dreamy Pleats Chiffon Dress in Black) are from Hollyhoque. Heck, half my wardrobe is made up of HH's clothes. I'm wearing my backordered Paperbag High Waist Skirt in Cream to church tomorrow, it arrived in the mail this week. HH's clothes cheer me up too.

Now it's back to work. I need a breather, badly. :(

GG

Seriously, this tutorial question will be the death of me !@$#%^& My textbook made a representation that it's an enjoyable subject, I relied on that representation... until I attempted tutorial 10 of MB107 in semester 2 of AY10/11.

Okay whatever.

Legal Definitions

Legal Definition of Ratification

For my own reference.

ratify v. to confirm and adopt the act of another even though it was not approved beforehand. Example: An employee for Holsinger's Hardware orders carpentry equipment from Phillips Screws and Nails although the employee was not authorized to buy anything. The president of Holsinger's ratifies the deal when Phillips delivers the order. A person under the legal age who makes a contract, may ratify the contract when he/she reaches majority (usually 18) or may refuse to honor it without obligation.

--

rescind v. to cancel a contract, putting the parties back to the position as if the contract had not existed. Both parties rescind a contract by mutual agreement, since a unilateral cancellation of a contract is a "breach" of the contract and could result in a lawsuit by the non-cancelling party. (See: rescission)



estoppel n. a bar or impediment (obstruction) which precludes a person from asserting a fact or a right, or prevents one from denying a fact. Such a hindrance is due to a person's actions, conduct, statements, admissions, failure to act, or judgment against the person in an identical legal case. Estoppel includes being barred by false representation or concealment (equitable estoppel), failure to take legal action until the other party is prejudiced by the delay (estoppel by laches), and a court ruling against the party on the same matter in a different case (collateral estoppel). (See: collateral estoppel, equitable estoppel, estop, laches)

Copyright © 1981-2005 by Gerald N. Hill and Kathleen T. Hill. All Right reserved.

Photo: Psych Society Main Comm 10/11

Credits: Marcius Goh, NTU HSS

My gmail account was created for the sole purpose of communicating with these people. :) Okay and for me to use google docs for file-sharing too. 

mysterious

??? Someone read my posts from a certain month in 2006. I wonder who would bother to look at my old posts. Kinda freaky. But the only reason why I still keep this blog is so that I can look back and think how stupid my posts sounded in secondary school. HAHA.

Article: Relatives of NSF’s girlfriend convicted of assault - Yahoo!

Relatives of NSF’s girlfriend convicted of assault - Yahoo!

Okay, I really should be working on Happy Halls now, but I was reading the news and am itching to comment on this.

Somehow I feel that the NSF in question should be defended, with the SAF/maid saga still fresh in the media.

Firstly, age wise, he's now 19, his girlfriend is 14 (yes, o.m.g., I think so too). However, as mentioned in the article, he was 17 when he entered into a relationship with this girl. She was 12 then (seriously, ?!?!). This happened before he enlisted. There was no need for the writer to emphasise that he's an NSF (now) by having these 3 letters in the title of this article.

Secondly, we must look at both sides of the story. While it is obvious that the guy, being older, is expected to be wiser and hence make more rational decisions, external factors must also be considered. I'm not trying to play detective here, neither do I have all the information, just trying to be objective. It is possible that prior to the relationship (if it's even considered one), the girls' actions led him to believe that she was mature enough or worth the risk-taking associated with dating her. The only kind of action on the girl's side I can think of now is seduction, though the very thought of a 12-year-old doing so is downright absurd. Still, !!! It is also possible that both parties were under some other influence, such as peer pressure and the lack of familial support. As we have seen from the violence demonstrated by the girl's family, this possibility cannot be completely ruled out.

Thirdly, I would say that the time allowed for the break up was insufficient. According to the article, "the girl's father, uncle and four other men took away Lee's cellphone and abducted him to a cemetery at midnight. The group then threw physical punches at Lee who was 17 then, and threatened to kill him with a samurai sword" all within the same year that the girl's family objected to the relationship. Surely, wouldn't more emotional support and time allowed enable a more 'effective' separation the separation to fully take place? I don't think it is reasonable to expect them to break up within the same year if the bond between them was tight. Also, there was no need for them to take the guy's possessions, neither was there a need to take him to a deserted location (here it would be reasonable to imply and assume that any cemetery would be almost, if not totally, deserted at midnight). These acts, together with the threat and physical action taken, were completely uncalled for, considering that the time between the day "objections from the girl's family" was first made and the day the assaults started was insufficient time allowed to expect a break up from the couple in question.

I think I'm starting to get confused by my own words.

Bottom line is, the media should not be so quick to imply or demonstrate that the guy is totally at fault. Though I know the issue here is whether the girl's relatives should have done what they did (obviously, NO).

Sigh.. wassup with the world today man?

moving on to the third consecutive week of hell

The first was last week, where there were 2 mid-term papers, HP200 and HP203. The studying was o.m.g. . and I really died for stats. It's the next most @$%)(&^#!*ed up paper after HE191 :( I refused to talk to anyone after that paper. Social psych I know it's only by God's grace that I managed to score within the 50+ marks range (it's out of 60) because I only REALLY studied that like, 2 days before. So yes, very grateful :) Ended the week with a packed Saturday. Hall OVE's pre-CIP at Highpoint, where I was late (paiseh). But it was fun handling food and mingling with the regular volunteers! Prior to this, I had never peeled potatoes or cut honey dews in my life before. Then it was a mad awesome lunch with Candice Amelia Yow Renn at Ikea Tampines, was really happy :D Spent the night/early morning at Rebel, thought there'd be free entry but noooo, guest DJ = must pay :( so ok, pay... and the menstrual cramps acted up halfway -.-  Alvin was nice enough to drop me off after that.

This week was bad too. There was civ supper on Monday (27th March), where I had to facilitate some game while my fellow civ rep who was with me just stood around. Okay, I don't blame her cos' I don't expect her to be able to do what I did cos' she doesn't know anyone else, after all. But still...!! I felt a bit overworked cos I had to arrange for the food AND be station master / game IC. (if only my fellow blk 59 civ reps did just a BIT more work.. oh not to mention I had to design the shirt too.) Well anyway after that night my throat hurt like never before and that night I felt a fever coming. (at this point, I must add that I had been coughing and having a runny nose for a few days already). I woke up the next morning, 2 hours earlier than intended, and sure enough I was rolling around in bed knowing full well that I was down with the fever. Went to the doctor, got 2 days MC, and Amelia and Elizabeth looked after me while I was ill. Very thankful for them! And of course I had to rush the 2 assignments (HW111 and HP203) when I was still sick. Had to battle a bad headache while doing HP203. Found out that one of Amelia's relatives lost her life to cancer and was immediately reminded of the late Aunty Daphne from LSBC, and how cancer is so merciless. Okay, I guess Amelia had it worse than I did because she has to do the 203 assignment AND study for HP202 quiz while dealing with the loss of her relative :( Nothing could have been worse than that :(       and as for me, I'm trying to finish up 3.5 more chapters of HP202 for the quiz (no idea how it's gonna be done). Anyhow, it's been a tough week.

Next week, (actually it's tomorrow.) it's THE killer mid-term, HP202. I mean we had 60 MCQs for HP203. But for 202 it's 60 MCQs AND 20 fill-in-the____ AND 1 short essay question. Oh gosh please tell me I'm dreaming. And I have to get my inventory list for psych soc done and reply Lydia regarding the society's log's storage space (it's kind of 2 weeks overdue), and read up on loads of stuff for HP202 project and report, plus tons of other projects and reports, lah. Not to mention biz law which I have to totally swallow within a week cos' I think it's my turn to present the week after, and without the biz laws I won't be able to apply them and I'll get screwed in front of the class if I'm unable to answer my tutor's questions.

So there. 3 weeks worth of rants which is totally unlike my other posts, which I don't expect anyone to read. There's been a few referrals from my Facebook profile though. Do leave a comment and say hi! Don't be shy! You can't be as shy as I am :) Can't beat me.

who do you first turn to

...when you need help? Man, or God? Do you heed worldly advice or godly ones? The world today is so contaminated, it becomes difficult to draw the line when everything starts blending in.

I also notice that my posts are getting shorter and shorter. Nothing much to post these days, besides the usual complaints that school is sucking life out of me...

Article: For Older Japanese, Tsunami’s Carnage Evokes WWII Horrors - NYTimes.com

For Older Japanese, Tsunami’s Carnage Evokes WWII Horrors - NYTimes.com

After reading this, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of loss for Japan... while life goes on for us in Singapore, free from natural disasters, the Japanese are mourning over the loss of thousands of lives. I just pray that God will keep the survivors safe, keep them psychologically and physically sound, and for more foreign aid to pour in.

What are Words - Chris Medina

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you see them as lover's words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel would say
Just from me and now know I'm meant
To be where I am and I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you see them as lover's words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

--
Very touching song that's been playing over and over again on my laptop. I don't own an iPod, and my mp3 player has officially retired.

2nd monthsary

of my grandma's death. Also the day Yong Hui's grandma left him. Jon's (Merman) grandma departed not that long ago too.

:(

no regrets being part of this dance crew

I never imagined that we would end up 16th. Never, ever.

Nevertheless, I'm still thankful for this opportunity to try out something new, thankful that the other dancers were always encouraging and never too critical or disruptive, for their patience in their endless demonstration of steps.

Though practices were not always something we looked forward to, I'm glad that it all ended on a high note - at least from the time we were on standby before we took the stage to the time after we left.

Credits: Spencer (Hall 12 Publicity)

Credits: Cinny (Hall 12 Dancer)

I must add that Hall 1 deserved their placing. That is undisputed.

Grandma lived long enough to see me start life as an undergraduate. 

but only grandpa will be in my graduation photos.. 

Wish my popo was still around. It's been almost 2 months since she has left us. 

Funny, how your mood can change sooooooo drastically within a couple of hours. How you can experience so many contrasting emotions and be in such different mental states within a day.

Morning lecture (HP202), dreamy --> Lunch, perplexed --> Short break, slightly accomplished --> Afternoon lecture (MB107), Focused and slightly dreamy --> Longer break, Stressed and dreamy (when I decided to rest properly) --> Dance practice, frustrated, dissatisfied, resentful and reflective --> Transition between dance and Revelation Night in hall, excited and high --> THE Revelation, ?? --> Back in room, stress hits the maximum for the day after looking at all the emails and cracking my head over how to respond to them and having the realisation that there is a tonne (is it this spelling?) of work waiting for me.

Once again, slightly accomplished now that I am done with the emails and admin work and awaiting replies. These are mainly from my Psych Society and Civ Subcomm. So that means.... I CAN FINALLY GO AND SHOWER. I FEEL SO DIRTY AND SMELLY BUT COULDN'T BEAR TO LEAVE MY LAPTOP UNTIL I HAVE REPLIED ALL THE EMAILS AND GOTTEN THOSE STUFF ORGANISED.

Anyway... the dreaminess (for lack of a better word) totally faded by the time the sky darkened, it's like reality is hitting me in the face again.

:O

Interesting fact - I visited a gay club last Saturday night with some friends. We were at Zouk initially (free passes from Nanyang Arts Festival, but the music really sucked so we went to Play instead). It was an eye-opener! I mean I was like totally safe there, while my guy friends risked being grounded (past tense for 'grind') by the others. Cool beans. I was quite disgusted at the sight though.. and yes, I am still against homosexuality.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby I need you now

Lord, Your name is higher than the heavens
Lord, Your name is higher than all created things
Higher than hopes, higher than dreams
The name of the Lord

At least I can say this with conviction

I have the peace of the Lord which surpasses human understanding;
I know that I have done my best;
I live without regrets.

death of yet another NSF

Though they cannot see this,

here's my heartfelt condolences to the family of the late Eugin Wee. 

Nobody expected such an accident to happen within such a short period of time, following the death of another NSF not too long ago. We would expect the SAF to put extra precautionary measures after the previous fatal accident, who knows whether they did...?

It's easy to put the blame on the driver and all, but bear in mind that he's human too and he's probably in trauma, regretting that he hadn't been more careful. No matter how much he regrets, it won't do a thing to change the situation. To quote a user on Yahoo Singapore, he'd probably have to "carry this burden for the rest of his life."

I wonder how the family is coping. They've been hit the hardest.

But then again, according to a friend, there are many of such accidents that go unreported. So there are a lot of angry Singaporeans out there, not counting the NSFs themselves. Well I just cannot imagine any of my friends ending up like that, especially since most guy friends my age are serving the nation now....

The use of profanities

I've said this before, and I"ll say it again.

No, I do not condone the use of profanities.

Though its use is very common now, and I have have countless friends using them, I cringe whenever I hear any one of it. Call me a coward, conservative, whatever. I don't care. Believe it or not, I've never used one in my life. And it shall continue to stay that way, no matter how pissed I may be at any point of time.

Like now, maybe.

Most of the time, I blog when I'm emotional.

This means that

1. Things may sound more inflated than they really are.
2. My choice of words and phrases may be harsher - and in layman terms, blown-up - than they would when I am not experiencing an emotional high or low.
3. I need an avenue to express myself, and I do so with an assumption that people don't bother to look for my blog, because I am (honestly, it's how I perceive myself to be) an insignificant figure. Hence I am not embarrassed about having my posts on the Internet. However, my previous post, typed when I wasn't in the best of moods, generated some strong opposition. That post is now saved as a draft, unpublished, to prevent further damage.

Silence may be golden, but too much of it does more harm to the individual who's bearing it.

--

I just spent $120 on textbooks (still short of one) for the new sem, one of them is my developmental psych text. I flipped to the content page, and saw that right at the very end was death. I read some of that, thinking that it may be applicable to my current situation. Needless to say, I could not go on reading it, however objective it may be.

--

Please let the liaising go smoothly!

Year 1 Sem 2 is going to be hectic

Okay. As of now, I have a few projects which I'm involved in

1. Happy Halls (Psych Soc)

2. Psychology FOC (Psych Soc)
3. Preparation of gifts for PHP confidants (Psych Soc/SCC)

4. Hall FOC (Hall12, which will not come in until much later. PHEW)

5. Civilisation Supper (Hall12)

6. Civ notice board (Hall12)

7. Hall Olympiad Closing Ceremony (Dance) (Hall12)

My goodness. This may not look like a lot, I mean compared to the others who have a thousand and one projects under their wing, but it's a lot to me because I believe what is said in Colossians 3:23. So either I give 100%, or nothing at all. If I'm going to give my 100%, I'd have to be involved in fewer things, right? Not that those who are burdened with many of such projects aren't doing them well; I salute them for their ability to do so. It's just that I cannot be like them, hence I there has to be a limit and it looks like I'm not being involved enough...... 

An ex-classmate

Well, I've just read a couple of posts from an old classmate's blog and I'm appalled by what she posts and portrays herself to be. From what I've read, this is what I have gathered

1. She has a foul temper, with a tendency for violence (throwing things around).
2. She complains more than anyone else I know.
3. She is obsessed with her appearance. I don't know how many times she has gone for surgery to improve how her lips, eyes, boobs, and whatever else looks.
4. She loves money. In fact, she loves it so much, she shows that she is easily pleased by money. She would give up what she doesn't like for money, at the expense of something else. For example, she is angry with her boyfriend. Bf gives her a new polaroid camera, and she is not angry anymore. Later, she is back to complaining and sulking again.
5. She hates school (she is studying in a polytechnic)
6. She wants to go to a university. I mean, HELLO, if you can't even go through a day of school without thinking of how you detest it and how the whole world owes you something, you will never live through a semester in uni. Dream on, man. And she wants to study communications and/or psychology, and she can't even spell 'psychology' correctly. Are you kidding me?
7. She spends like her dad is Steve Jobs. By that, I mean excessively, once again more than anyone else I know.
8. Her world revolves around - who else - herself.

I'm sorry but I really cannot take it when I read about or come across such people. She seems to equate love with money. i.e. if her parents love her, they should feed her with more money so that she can fulfill her material wants and her countless nights of partying.

I am utterly disgusted. Hate to say this, but after you read her blog, you would think that I'm an angel. This is how bad it is.

staying awake again

My family's not on night shift today, we're all at home and they're sleeping but I can't sleep. I keep thinking of my grandma and how much I miss her. Then I think of my grandpa and my heart aches even more...

I feel as if I'm being really childish but *sigh* I want my grandma so bad... I just wonder how long it'll take before I can fully absorb the fact that she's gone for good and crying for her wont make her come back.

I wish I could hug someone right now :( Being alone clearly is disastrous. My thoughts stray too far, too much. and I pine for what cannot be mine anymore.

staying awake

... for night shift at a funeral wake is not the most exciting thing. It's kinda boring.

I have not cried for the past 12 hours. Achievement? Maybe it's just building up. Popo looks so different in there with all that makeup on. So different from when I last saw her. I gotta look at her a couple more times before her body's gone for good on Tuesday, which is also the day I get my exam results.

UJC came today... It's comforting to have the cell group with me, so I'm really thankful for that. I think a few more friends are gonna come down during the next two to three days, so thank you in advance. I could do with your company. Now I know how my friends who've lost loved ones feel when we make an appearance at their relatives' wakes.

It's so quiet here.

Popo, I really really love you. Why must you go so soon? Why?

Just two Sundays ago, I saw my grandma in church, still able to interact with people around her, and able to walk with some help. That was the last time I saw her (relatively) healthy.

Last Saturday, in the wee hours of the morning, she was sent to the hospital as she was in extreme pain and had difficulty breathing. Each time I went to visit her, her condition seemed to deteriorate, and I cannot help but feel more helpless and afraid.  She was still fine on Sunday and Monday night, able to hold my hand, see me and acknowledge my presence in the ward. She could still talk a little. Last night when I went back again, well, I couldn't recognise my grandma at all. She was just... so disoriented, semi-conscious, I doubt she even knew who was at her bed side.

I admit, I have often thought of what would happen if my grandma were to end up like this, I knew that one day she would have to leave me, leave all of us. But I never thought it would be THAT soon.

I really don't know what to do.

I'm so scared, so very scared. That's what I've been telling people who ask about my popo (grandma in Chinese). She's in the high dependency ward, and all I could do was just hold her hand when I visited her just now. I feel so helpless.

one of those moments

where you feel like life is not worth living for.

where you know you need to pray and intercede.

where you know that the decision is not yours to make.

where you know that there is no 'undo'.

the closing of another chapter

2010 has been a year of many firsts. Below is a brief summary.

1. First ever job interview which landed me in e2i, no working experience before this.
2. First year in LSBC's YWA zone :)
3. Volunteering experience for a national event - NDP, then SYOG. (the next event was SCMS)
4. Orientation camps in university, starting with CAC, then Psych, then Hall.
5. Clubbing. (not once, but 5 times within 6 months omg)
6. First (academic year) in 12 years not being in a music CCA.
7. Living away from home for long periods of time (hall) and hence, doing my own laundry.
8. The start of university life.
9. ADULT FARES FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORT :(
10. Exams that stretch till Christmas.
11. Joining dance (in hall). Again, with zero prior experience.
12. Vomitting in the car. Haha.


There were many transitions, many instances whereby I had to navigate around on my own.It was hard trying to deal with the new level of independence that accompanies a new phase of education. My degrees of freedom widened by quite a bit, but that was more or less manageable, thank God. Speaking of that, I'm guilty of not including God in my decision-making, where I tried to handle most (actually, all) of them on my own... which, in the process, resulted in several emotional lows.

Post to be continued. I hope. haha.

I've got a fever, I'm hot, I can't be stopped

Things to be thankful for:
1. EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!
2. Fever came after my exams, not before

What really sucks:
1. Thanks to my fever, I'm sitting in my room in hall rotting away instead of clubbing with my psych mates.
2. The exams didn't go well.

Haha, maybe it's God's way of telling me not to party so hard, since I already went with Shengkun and co. last Friday. Before the end of my exams, can you believe that?! I can't! ha ha ha! (okay, must be the fever)

Anyway here's some cool stuff I found on the Internet. Like, wow okay I didn't know that.

Fever serves as one of the body's natural defenses against bacteria and viruses which cannot live at a higher temperature. For that reason, low fevers should normally go untreated, unless accompanied by troubling symptoms.
Also, the body's defense mechanisms seem to work more efficiently at a higher temperature. Fever is just one part of an illness, many times no more important than the presence of other symptoms such as cough, sore throat, fatigue, joint pains or aches, chills, nausea, etc.
(Source: http://www.medicinenet.com/aches_pain_fever/article.htm)

So there's some bacterial or viral infection in my body which explains the elevated temperature?

Maybe it's true

Not long ago, some of my course mates and I submitted our group project for HP102. The hypothesis?

Upward comparison leads to a lower temporal satisfaction with life.

The thing is, I wrote most of the introduction. And though there was insufficient evidence to support our hypothesis, I personally think this hypothesis is true. It's growing on me right now. Whatever was in the introduction of our report is being projected through myself now. I cannot, however, define the duration of 'temporal' here because I have no clue when it will actually come to an end. Temporal would simply mean that it's not permanent.

When your closest peers have all found or have almost found their other half, and you find that you are still very much alone, trust me, you'd wonder if you'd ever meet yours too. Research in cognitive science has shown that humans always make comparisons, and this comes naturally (Strauss & Quinn, 1997). (I'm trying to rephrase my own work here so that I would not appear to be plagiarising my own work. Oh, the frustration.) It gets harder when, as mentioned above, your closest peers (in fact, every one of them) have something and the realisation hits you that you don't have it. This is the reality, the effect of upward social comparison on the perception of your own life. I don't know, I may have experienced cognitive dissonance upon completion of that report, such that my cognitions are being altered so that I actually agree (100%) with the hypothesis, even though we had insufficient statistical data to support it. This feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction certainly is bothering me, (it's salient and I know it, no need to measure my life satisfaction before and after this awareness,) especially when my exams have just begun and there is this battle going on in my head. All the competing stimuli is getting to me and well, I need to filter some out. It's really depressing.

Today, right now, more than any other time, there is a need to trust God and stop trying to analyse my own life and situations. I hate it when I do this, running to God only when I need help. I really do.

I feel like going to a place where I can be alone and pray, confess and voice my deepest thoughts. Away from the presence of people, away from all worldly distractions. Just me, and my Father.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh HELLPPPPPPPPP I DONT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE

okay. Firstly, why do we strive so hard for something that's not tangible? (Like, studying so hard for my five papers within the next 2 weeks?) What is our motivation (all processes involved in initiating, directing and maintaining physical and psychological activities) behind this? It's partially because this gives us an extrinsic motivation, as in monetary gains in the future and a competitive edge in society. Psychologists believe in the need for achievement (n Ach), which is a mental state that gives us a psychological motive to excel or reach some goal, mainly at the conscious level. When we finally manage to achieve that goal, we may be rewarded - intrinsically or extrinsically.


Personality disorders. They show themselves in chronic patterns of poor judgment, disordered thinking, emotional disturbances, disrupted social relationships, or lack of impulse control.


The Pearson correlation measures the degree and direction of linear relationship between two variables. it is computed by r=(covariability of X and Y)/(variability of X and Y separately)

Exams... in December?

As the time draws nearer to the examinations - less than a week now - the stress level once again reaches another peak. It's not THAT high a maximum yet for me, because well. It's not near enough. But the mere look at the stack of notes and textbooks on my desk is enough to will me into studying, a good enough indicator of how much I don't know and how much I need to know.

Currently in the midst of reversing my abnormal body clock back to normality.

Currently deliberately removing myself from civilisation. But still in touch with the world through Facebook :)

While others are playing and enjoying themselves out there, the studying level at NTU has reached an all-time high ....

Oh my gosh I need to study.