Scrunched up

I keep frowning these days.

Why can't I meet such simple demands and expectations?

May the creases at my forehead smooth out, and my facial muscles work to invoke positive emotions.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Random

Eh...

I don't usually get blog views. But I got a sudden surge of blog hits today O_O Wonder who discovered this space, haha.

-

Been feeling very encouraged by the words and music from this song recently :) A timely reminder of how big, loving, and ABLE our God is.

Meetings and their effects

This article - Attending meetings lowers IQ, scientists say - published by TODAYonline, sparked some interest on Facebook some time back. People who disliked meetings were quick to use this to their weapon, without actually analysing the article or the original research done, the primary source. I just find it ridiculous that there are actually people who propose to abolish meetings because of this -.- Come on. How else are groups and teams going to engage in interpersonal communication???

This blog entry - Stuck on your ideas: fixation in group brainstorms - caught my eye too, while doing some online search for my Cognitive Psychology presentation. Unfortunately, I haven't exactly had the time to read through this. It's an interesting topic. I WILL READ THIS. After I have cleared all my outstanding to-dos.

New Cardigan from Hollyhoque!

Prior to my purchase at last week's launch, I already had 3 Hollyhoque knit cardigans, and I had told myself that 3 was enough. However, the preview for the criss cross knit long cardigan in red won me over, and after much deliberation, I decided I MUST camp for this item - which I did successfully - and made it my fourth knit cardigan from HH! I helped Candice cart out one as well cos' she, too, thought that this cardi was nice! :P My heart was racing 3 minutes before launch time, and I made one wrong click when carting out (clicked paypal instead of iB/ATM transfer payment method) so can you imagine how anxious I was?!! But I was overjoyed when I managed to cart out TWO cardis :D Duh.

I was super excited to receive my parcel, and when did, tried it on immediately.

Outerwear: Criss Cross Knit Long Cardigan - Hollyhoque
Top: Mandarin Collar Lace Top - Hollyhoque
Bottom: Flap Ruches Bandage Skirt - Hollyhoque
(this photo is also on instagram)

Though a little overwhelming on a UK6, the comfort, design, patterns and colour totally had me won over :) It's perfect for girls who want to keep warm in air-conditioned places (like, really perfect. Warmer than my other cardis) and look good at the same time. It's in a reeeeeeeeally lovely shade of red, and a unique addition to my wardrobe :) No regrets for this purchase - so far. And I hope it wont stretch too much, because the main body of the cardi is kinda big :( Doesn't hug my body like other cardigans when I button it up! I'd give this a 5/5 rating if the body part was more fitting! My rating currently stands at 4/5 for this.

Right after I removed the plastic :)

I think many girls would agree that it's the entire online shopping experience (including the camping and anticipation)  that makes us happy; it's not just the purchased item. I HAVE to add this as a psych major - satisfaction with an online purchase increases when you know that you managed to get a popular item that was sold out within 2 minutes of the launch :P The extent of increase depends on knowledge of the quantity demanded and sold. Based on personal experience lol. I may just conduct a survey to test this out.

Have I mentioned? THE RED IS JUST SO PRETTY <3

And I shortened and edited the above review before submitting it for AFC - A Fashionista's Confession. Made myself sound less excited and fanatic. AFC is the store's way of encouraging customers to write reviews which will be posted on their blog, and then give discounts for their next purchase. I would have given a longer review if not for the fact that the reward is fixed at $1.50 hahah.

I just HAPPENED to be wearing HH apparels for school that day. I got the top a loooong time ago, and I still love it because of the chiffon silk material and the pretty crotchet details :)

Credits to Hollyhoque. 

This is how it looked on the model, Nicole. Of course it looks much better on her haha. I hope HH manufactures more of such tops with chiffon silk material and crochety/lacey stuff! Really like those <3

Posting about clothes makes me happy yay :) There are certain parts of my physical self that I'm not exactly satisfied with, like my teeth, my chin (sighhhh my chin :( ), and my lips. But what I'm really thankful for is my size! I mean, I can fit into all these awesome clothing and I don't have to keep being conscious of how much or what I'm eating. Though of course I control my diet so that my tummy will not keep showing. Each time I look at my body in the mirror, I thank God that He didn't make me any bigger or smaller :)

I'm losing my drive, and I need it back badly. Fast. It's critical; all that's been done thus far would otherwise come to naught.

Need motivation. Loads of it.

Fuzziness

It's been awhile since I got butterflies in my stomach from meeting familiar people. Or a familiar person.

Kinda forgotten how it feels like. This feels somewhat different. It's neither in this zone, nor that. I'm hoping that it will not turn out the way I think it will. Don't want to feel disappointed again and experience that whole cycle all over.

--

I deliberately avoided you - for the first time. Gives you more time to reflect I guess. Hope you had a pleasant day nevertheless.

Cold.

It's nice to have someone (usually the same person) who asks you why you're not sleeping, and to go to sleep all the time. I feel so ^_^. Though the feeling doesn't usually last. It's just one of the many small things that warms me now. Take them away, and... I cannot imagine how my perceived life will be.

Wanted to type that I feel a lack of.. the sense of affiliation and belonging to what used to be this group of coursemates I was close to, and in hall, I just don't truly fit in anywhere. I'm everywhere but nowhere in hall. In church... the closeness just isn't there, but that's mostly my fault for investing so much in hall/school (where I don't get much returns anyway). I always seem to be looking at the people and groups I (was) close to, from a third person's perspective. And I cannot picture myself in there anymore. It makes me retreat further. I always ask myself... am I trying too hard? Then I withdraw. Everyone seems better off without me anyway. What am I? Nothing. I'm worthless to them.

(then somewhere at the back of my mind, the memory of Pastor Derek's closing to his sermon not long ago nudges me, urges me to stop these thoughts... )

Year 2 has been emotionally-challenging so far. I find myself being a lot more defensive (towards friends), suspicious, pessimistic, and cynical than usual. Before this year, I had never blown my top at anyone (family aside). I've done so a few times already, and it makes me wonder...what is it that made me do this? Is this normal at all? My self-esteem feels like it's taken a dip.

My perception of the environment just got a lot worse. It's colder, bluer than ever before. The warmth that I crave seems so far away now.. and I'm starting to lose hope in myself, in my social environment.

I should just sleep.

Departure

Less of me, more of You.

Sometimes I don't know why I think in certain ways, act in ways which I dont even understand. I feel like a teenager going through some emotional turmoil, with things going the wrong way all the time. Useless, weird, queer, unwanted, insensitive, impulsive, trying too hard to be someone I'm not.

I don't know what I'm doing. It's quite worrying.

Talk about being a year 2 psychology undergrad.

I'm starting to think that I took up this course because I unconsciously think that this will benefit myself.

Pot calling the kettle black.

3 down, 2 to go

I stayed in hall last weekend to study for my major mods.. 2 cores and a PE. This week I'm headed to church from hall, and am returning back after lunch to study for my 2 electives.

Can't really see, but here's my OOTD!

Shirtdress: Hollyhoque
Belt: Hollyhoque
Shoes: Giovanna
Bag: UK

Love this dress because of the jersey cotton material and its comfort :)

Try me. Go on.

Two more days

Since Monday this week, exactly a week to my first paper, I have been religiously waking up at 8.30, proceeding to the Reading Room in hall to reserve a table, having breakfast (set A: half boiled eggs, kaya toast and iced coffee, and sometimes a banana), then sitting at the desk right till 2am. With the occasional lunch/dinner/bathroom/nap breaks of course. It's something I've never done before and never had the discipline to do in my life. So I really thank God for my roomies, Eileen and Deborah, whom i've been able to sustain this routine with. Without them, I really doubt I'd be able to stay calm till now. I have this habit of doing random stuff, everything but study.

So this is the secret to being like those 'hardcore' students from China-

1. Have disciplined roomies.
We influence each other. Really. Even Eileen says she wasn't this hardworking last year (whether or not we actually study for soooo many hours is another thing, haha). We eat together, study together, and sleep together. Life would have been so much more dull and depressing without them. Deb is an inspiration, she displays such determination all the time!

2. Study in a conducive, comfortable place. Preferably one that's highly sought.
My hall's reading room is awesome, large tables, comfy chairs (not those plastic ones), with table light, silent (with the occasional annoying neighbours who takeaway meals - oh, the smell - beside you, mumble to themselves, make noise by fidgeting). Such conduciveness is both a blessing and a curse. It makes residents compete for a table (read: wake up early to reserve one), forcing Eileen and I to wake up early - or face the consequence of not having such comfort for the rest of the day and possibly having affecting productiveness (I have a tendency to relax and do everything UNrelated to studying). It's also good because the presence of others, especially the China students who are incredibly hardworking, somewhat pressures me to revise and not slack. Don't underestimate the power of the (real or imagined) presence of other people, as demonstrated in social psychology studies.

3. Have proper meals.
That's where we get energy to fuel our cognitive and physiological activities. My meals are the ideal breakfast-lunch-dinner structure and not lunch-dinner-supper or dinner-supper like it was during the semester. I feel better this way too.

4. Threaten yourself.
It's what drives me, somehow. If I don't sleep by 3am (ideally - 2am), I wouldn't be able to wake up the next morning, (or wake up feeling utterly like crap and regret not sleeping earlier), I wouldn't be able to get a table in the comfort of the reading room, I wouldn't be studying in the presence of fellow residents who are the epitome of hard work and discipline, I wouldn't be able to sit there and read through my notes for hours without getting some major distraction. I'd then sleep late again, and the cycle repeats. And then regret it at the end of the day, and after the exams. This is the last lap, the only time left to salvage my situation and the lousy assignment/quiz/mid-term grades during the sem.. And it's all about my psychological well-being I guess. Not wanting to feel like shit knowing that I could have at least have my best during this week and yet didn't do it.

Okay that was a lot of time ispent typing this, about 40 minutes gone now. Gotta get back to my notes. Or regret it. Self-threats work for me at least.

First OOTD Post

I find it really amazing that, being in the midst of the intensive revision period right before the exams, i can still blog like this. With a bo liao post like Outfit of The Day (OOTD)

Inspired by the posts those famous bloggers do up. Hahah.

Top: Cotton On
Skirt: Zara (gift from Fiona!)
Belt: Came with another pair of shorts from Bugis Street
Bracelet: New Look, RuGuo

This is so act yi ge, I cannot stand it. Muahahah.

Okay back to studying.

Be righteous. Do what is right, and just. Somebody has to be the 'bad guy'.

Wisdom from Proverbs

I am put in a spot. I have expected this, expected myself to reach this point, and I wondered if I would be able to handle this.

I have not broken down yet. (okay, maybe once, but that was because I was overwhelmed with school work. Whenever I break down, it's always about school work) Thought it would be right to turn to the right Source for help instead of trying to analyse and work things out on my own. I read through my old posts a few days ago and found that back then I really trusted God with everything, and I was mostly... at peace. It could also be due to the fact that I didn't have to deal with what I am dealing with now, but oh, how I long to have that kind of faith I once had. 

Read a bit from the book of Proverbs, and here God reminded me about the importance of wisdom, about the need to be righteous and just

²⁰ My son, pay attention to what I say;
   turn your ear to my words.
²¹ Do not let them out of your sight,
   keep them within your heart;
²² for they are life to those who find them
   and health to one’s whole body.
²³ Above all else, guard your heart,
   for everything you do flows from it.
²⁴ Keep your mouth free of perversity;
   keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
²⁵ Let your eyes look straight ahead;
   fix your gaze directly before you. 
²⁶ Give careful thought to the^[c] paths for your feet
   and be steadfast in all your ways.
²⁷ Do not turn to the right or the left;
   keep your foot from evil.

Proverbs 4: 20-27

I know it is indeed a reminder from God because of the physiological reactions I experience as I read this (increased heart rate being one of them). Here's another one:

¹⁰ The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,    and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. 

Proverbs 9:10

Also, as I read this, I knew that my every action had to have God in mind, whatever I do and think must be a testimony to Him.

¹⁷ Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life,
   but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.
 ¹⁸ Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips
   and spreads slander is a fool.
 ¹⁹ Sin is not ended by multiplying words,
   but the prudent hold their tongues.

Proverbs 10:17-19 

Dear Lord, please guide me as I walk this path. Help me to be a loving person, faithful, and humble. You will show me the way as go along, and I really want to take each step with the assurance that You are with me, and You are providing me with all that I need. Help me to walk in accordance with Your will, Your word, that I may please You and not myself... As I continue to carry out my duties, Lord may You direct me and grant me the wisdom and favour that I will need especially in this area. I commit everything into Your hands - my exams, my duties, the people I work with, among others. I thank You for Your grace that greatly abounds and I know that You will be my guide. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Outdated

Hello.

This space has been very much abandoned :( Basically life has been nothing short of busy. Last year this time I've still had some time to club and all, but this year it's totally different. This is the biggest decision I've made yet 

Hall 12; 11th JCRC. Credits: Bryan, Publication Director. 

Many ask why I decided to step up; this decision came as a surprise to many. I was relatively uninvolved last year, I was a nobody, I was quiet, unimportant. Well I decided that this would change this year. I wanted to do something more.

I'm still trying, to be more proactive, understanding, rational, discerning. I'm learning. 

I would like to thank my friends who have stood beside me, supported me and encouraged me. To the 11th, too, for understanding why I do what I do, cos' ultimately we want the hall to be happy and have a fruitful hall life. 

When the going gets tough, I am constantly reminded that 

1. I get 9 points for a reason.

2. Life isn't all flowers and butterflies. As Yus (my predecessor) once told me, I'll emerge a stronger individual. 

3. God will never leave me nor forsake me.

Hope this is a process of self-actualisation :) 

Thoughts on Evolution

I blog whenever I feel inclined to. Haha.

This semester, I'm taking Evolutionary Psychology as a major prescribed elective. One of the main concerns I've had is about how evolution clashes with my faith, and by studying this subject, my views towards the subject or my faith may.. waver. Still, I'm quite confident that this will not be the case.

Okay, so species exist because of this whole process of natural selection. If this were indeed true (we're not rejecting the possibility), why can't it have happened because God made it this way? Why can't it be that he created the very first batch of organisms, and then let speciation occur by evolution? I know that Darwin proposed that all life evolved and branch out of a common ancestor, a single being. Up till now, I still don't see how, say, we can be similar to a fish.

This whole science vs religion war should just.. vanish. They can complement each other, I think it's just how you look at it.

And for the rest of this semester, I'm just gonna take this approach as I study this course - God allowed natural selection to take place because He sets all rules of nature. Well all accept the part on human evolution, that's just.. ridiculous.

I don't know why I keep letting my guard down. Allow myself enjoy you for awhile, then hurting from the knowledge that I was just one out of the few (or many?) you'd had. You clearly aren't into anything serious.. so why the deception?

Everything is temporary. Nothing is permanent. Except for the Word of God.

You are magnificent,
eternally wonderful, glorious
Jesus, no one ever will compare
to you, Jesus

Two weeks till the start of a new school term. With boldness, with His guidance, I shall step into a fresh academic year, seeking Him in every aspect of my life, involving Him in my every decision. At least that's what I wish to do, and it shall become reality.

I will treasure relationships (friendships) more, because they can be so fragile, as I have learnt this summer. One wrong move, one wrong misinterpretation, and things could go awfully wrong, no matter the perceived strength of the relationship. It takes effort to patch things up. Of course it does... and this I have failed to do.

Other than this, well, I will be extra wary of where and who I invest my time, trust and hopes in. I really hate the feeling of falling hard and the experience of pain from that fall.

We cry 'Holy, holy, holy God'

It's late and I should be sleeping but this is something I simply cannot not blog.

Today's prayer concert (or rather, yesterday's) was simply indescribable.

I went to church, not expecting much, but was given much much more than what my tiny heart could contain. I was distracted from the start.. thinking about stuff, about whether Cheryl was gonna appear beside me since I had seats reserved (she didn't in the end haha). Those thoughts vanished when Pastor Beow Chin came up and made the congregation read verses from Matthew 11. The verses that said, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest .... That slowly started to sink in, and I realised I had been too preoccupied with PFOC, the registrations, emails, payments etc, and I had grown very weary. I was (still am a little) constantly worrying about how the camp will turn out, whether the GLs had emailed or SMSed their freshmen, whether the programmes would turn out okay.. There was just too much that had been on my mind. 

And there, God offered rest. Just when I needed it. 

What was most amazing wasn't just this. It was when Pst Beow Chin did something (I think) nobody would have expected, us being in a brethren church. She said she was going to speak in tongues, and one or more of us from the congregation were going to interpret it. I didn't really know what to expect, until she spoke again in a tongue not understood by us but certainly left an impact on us. I don't know if it was the way she spoke, or the mysteriousness of it all, but I certainly felt a change in the atmosphere. 

People who went up mostly said how God was opening His arms to embrace us, to love us, ... But I felt His holiness in a way that I had never experienced before. I could only stand there, rooted, in awe of His purity and reverence, which just led to weeping. Of course I wasn't the only one who was weeping there.. God's presence was so tangible then, it made me want to go worshiping Him, in proclamation that God's name is holy. 

I didn't go for this year's church camp, but I felt that the encounter at this prayer concert had somehow made up for it. And there's going to be more of such encounters, as I feel that God is going to move in mightier ways in LSBC and in the community. 

Our God is truly an awesome God.