Priorities

I see photos of my friends' and other bloggers' food, vacations, material possessions every day. 

While I do post similar photos whenever the opportunity arises (note: the frequency differs greatly from that of others'), I do admit that sometimes I think they aren't of the same kind of standard. That is, in terms of monetary value, and popularity of the subjects of my photos and experiences.

Intuitively, anyone would assume that this should naturally lead to an unconscious process of upward comparison, especially at a time where technology is facilitating the rapid spread such things... and result in a kind of dissatisfaction with (my) own life. 

Well, I thank God that this isn't the case for me. Not consciously, at least. Sometimes, though, I do wish for certain material possessions like luxury goods - which undoubtedly is the result of repeated exposures to many bloggers and their many many luxury bags - though I know it's terribly unrealistic to spend thousands at a go on an item. Other than that, I do not really feel this urge to indulge myself in many many cafes, or travel all over the world. These things are nice to have, but not necessary. 

My theory for this is that factors such as financial positions, school commitments, exposure to snippets of others' lives, and knowledge of level of enjoyment of those activities moderate the subjective feelings of satisfaction and yearning for something I do not currently have or am not currently doing. 

1. I work on an extremely limited monthly allowance. Necessities like tithing, food, transport, and clothes (ok this one not that necessary but whatever haha) have just about wiped out everything. I simply cannot afford the luxury of visiting so many places and owning expensive items. 

2. It's my final year. This semester, my friends are 'chionging' with me. Next semester, their AU load will be significantly reduced and I will be fighting this school war alone (sigh). I cannot leave room for regrets before I graduate. Bottom line is, I do not have the luxury of time to engage in too many activities. When I'm not working, I'm catching up on rest. Sometimes even my dates are compromised :( 

3. Exposure to the lives of others is a factor that would be highly correlated to the knowledge of perceived enjoyment of doing what others have done. For example, if I see that my friends are travelling all over the globe but I have not travelled much myself, I would not envy them as much as as I would if I have experienced that myself before. The downplaying of these feelings do much to minimise the impact of such exposures. 

Taken together, these would explain why despite deliberately being exposed to the Facebook and Instagram posts of others which supposedly would induce an unconscious upward comparison, I do not activate my defence mechanisms, I do not avoid these stimuli altogether. 

Perhaps it is also due to the fact that my identity in Christ is secured, and the peace of God is upon me, assuring me that whatever I need is provided by Him, and I will lack nothing. Perhaps this is the ultimate reason for the counterintuitive indifference even with high exposure to social network feeds. All I know is all these factors do add to the result :)

Okay I just wasted like half an hour typing this. Time to continue working on my assignment. 

Closing of a Chapter

Hi there.

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Well basically this means that life has been manageable, nothing out of the ordinary.

Some updates. Blogging this during work because I can. hehhhhhh.

1. My third HOCC.

Good times :')

Once again, HOCC flew past without regrets. It's an incredible feeling, performing on stage, delivering something you've rehearsed for hours and hours on end with your fellow performers. Thus I'm really thankful for this opportunity to join Hall 12 dance team even though I'm really quite an amateur dancer. (truth is they'll take in anyone who's willing to commit and learn so that a team can be formed :) )

Team photo after the competition! One of my favourites :)
Credits: Ryan Wong

Love this photo too! With some of the girls!
Credits: Jin Xian

A couple of changes were made for the dance (and cheerleading) team this year. Firstly, instead of having the usual dance manager and captain manage the entire dance team, we have a proper committee, with people assigned to take up specific portfolios, or details of the whole process leading to HOCC. As such, having work spread among more individuals greatly reduces the responsibility and stress previously bestowed upon the manager and captain. This naturally led to a greater sense of ownership especially among the committee, which translated into greater combined efforts to lead and motivate the rest of the dancers to get things going.

On stage. "HAH!!"
Credits: Ryan Wong

Secondly, a choreographer was hired to do everything - the choreography, song choice, costume ideas. Once again, having outsourced this, the load is taken off the shoulders of the manager/captain, and inputs were given from our own dancers, such that it became a choreography we could truly call our own. Melissa is really talented and capable, I swear. Our past choreographers have also done a good job, of course, like how Pee Hua stirred in me the interest in contemporary dance and Amelia (roomie!!) gave me the chance to dance in an act-sexy-feel-sexy choreo. Having an external choreographer was clearly different - not only did we benefit from Melissa's expertise, we also allowed her ideas to be displayed in the form of... us. But really, I must applaud her enthusiasm and dedication for taking us through that journey despite having a job which requires her to wake up early in the morning. She was in NTU almost daily by the way, as she was guiding Hall 4 too.

The team after a training session at HSS, our usual training venue. Free-of-charge, but there is a need for some of us to go 'reserve' space after lessons or from 5pm onwards. Mel's the one with the cap :)
Credits: Jin Xian

It feels like this is the only time I get to dance... I'd love to dance again for the next academic year, but that will depend on whether or not I get a room in sem 1. Really, it's worth all the sore muscles, exhaustion, and even the dip in grades :/ Sometimes of course I'd feel like giving up because I was just soooo physically and mentally tired. I mean, dancing till 2 in the morning daily, and having reports and assignments to work on? Friends just don't get why we're doing this. But I always told myself (and the freshies) that it'll all be worth it. On HOCC day itself, even on days where we just look back at all the photos reminiscing the days of pure hard work, we'd smile and be glad it all happened.


2. A (somewhat) restored sense of connectedness and belonging with my course mates.

I used to be a very bitter girl, often in self-pity. It all started when two of my male friends (I shall not name names here) made fun of me, calling me names. Initially, I was able to tolerate their jokes, knowing that it was in the name of fun. The name-calling didn't stop, and it eventually got to the extent where I felt so hurt that I harboured bitterness and hatred towards them. Since they were also part of the same clique, I started to avoid hanging out with the entire group whenever there was a gathering of some sort. It didn't help that they were also very competitive individuals when it came to academics. The pressure took a toll on me and I decided to put an end to my misery altogether by just cutting off ties with them.

Of course, that isn't feasible in the long run - they are my course mates after all, and it does not feel good to constantly make efforts to avoid them all the time. I longed for that kind of fresh and genuine happiness that was experienced during the first few months of my freshman year. I felt God tug at my heart a couple of times, and I told Him yes, I really wanted to forgive them, let go of all existing unhappiness and insults, baring them all at the cross. How else will I be able to let go and move on?

Year 3 was the year I sort of managed to pull myself back closer to the rest of the clique, with one of the guys on exchange and the other taking different modules and there was almost no interaction. I definitely felt more connected and belonged than, say, my second year, where I used JCRC and hall to distract me from all the bitterness arising from facing my course mates.

I thought I could finally forgive them for good move on, until one day where we hung out after work (internship) and it was revealed that a good girl friend had once thought I was attention-seeking and didn't like me in Year 1, which explains why she didn't attempt to stop the two guys from hurling insults at me. Naturally, that opened the floodgates that kept the hurting memories at the back of my mind, and I was once again reminded of how bullied I felt then, even by this girl.

Well, that happened in the past. Yes, who would have thought that I actually went through that? It's so difficult to love those who hurt you, right? But I (try) to love them nevertheless, because Jesus loves us dearly despite the horrible things we do, despite all our impurities. Jesus loved the ones who mocked him and crucified him. I mean, what can be worse than that?


3. The opting out of FYP

I've decided to opt out of FYP because:

(a) there is no way I can pull up my CGPA to get a 2nd class honours (upper division). (Students who opt out will not be awarded one even if their CGPA exceeds 4.0.)
(b) I am not really into research, nor am I considering a graduate diploma or masters programme anytime in the near future.
(c) I think I'd rather take up more modules and be exposed to more areas of psychology

I hope I don't regret this decision...


4. LSBC Choir

Yes.... I'm back in the church's Worship Team! This time, as part of the choir. Here's the story:

I was inactive (not serving in any ministry) for about 4-5 years..? During these five years, my weekends were spent at Chinese Orchestral practices (in ACJC), at NDP trainings/rehearsals/Preview/actual day (in 2010 and 2012), and hanging out with friends. Being in CO and NDP were things I really enjoyed doing, just like how I love dancing. I mean, performing, producing music, and being part of the workforce of a national event? These are experiences that I really treasure :) If given a choice, I would like to return to Heartware Network as a volunteer leader for the ushers - I felt like a super old volunteer among the poly and JC volunteer ushers, and was a bit out of place. >.< still, it was fun interacting with all the spectators, seating them, directing them, and waving goodbye to them. How often do you get to be involved in a national event right? And watch the parade six times for free? (six times, I am not kidding - CR3, NE1, NE2, NE3, Preview, Actual Day)

One of the crazy photo moments with the group. Green sector ushers!
Credits: Riz

While I had fun on these weekends, I felt a little uneasiness, like I've had too much fun and it was time to start serving in church once more. I had been delaying the joining of a ministry for these few years to go out there and participate in other stuff (hey! at least these were healthy activities!)... so it was time to come back. I make it sound as if serving God in church is boring and all haha but actually it's not - it is also fun especially when I'm doing something I like, or if that ministry is where my calling is.

I've always felt that my strength is in music, which was confirmed by Elder Melvin some years back at a church camp where he told me the word God had for me was 'music'. It was definitely from God because Elder Melvin didn't know me personally and there was no way he could have guessed my affinity with it! Hence, I finally put an end to the procrastination and auditioned to join the choir... where I've found no problems fitting in, and I'm happy here :) What greater honour and joy than to serve in God's house right?


5. Internship at WDA

Even before the opening of the HPAP portal I knew that I wanted to secure an internship at WDA. I was seriously considering a career here, and naturally I tried to look out for opportunities to apply to WDA. I tried visiting the WDA booth at career fairs but the HR representatives just asked to apply to the portal - like any other employer D: and they said I must know what I want if I were to join them the following year - the Frontline Divisions, Employment Facilitation, etc.

When the portal opened, I was glad to see that WDA had vacancies and they wanted psychology majors, yet disappointed that there were only three options - as in, three programme scopes. Two were from IAL, something about validation of psychometrics which I didn't want to do. I wanted to do a bit of what the staff from HQ would do - and so I applied for this one, from HRBD (Healthcare, Retail and Business Services Division, a frontline division). I was thrilled when the e-mail notification was received, informing me that I was shortlisted for the interview, and even more thrilled to receive the e-mail stating that I had been accepted. Seriously, I was praying so hard and was so worried that one of the four other candidates would get the job. So imagine the joy when I received the news! I recall that the e-mail was received in the middle of a lecture and I was too excited to focus for the rest of the lecture :P

(to be continued)


5. 7th month.

No, my parents have yet to be informed, but I think my sister suspects his existence. Once, I was showing her a video on my iPad when he replied 'yes dear' on Facebook, and I was so, so horrified at the slip! She just gave me a smug 'hmph', totally implying that she knows something is going on.

The challenge remains - he is a non-believer. This is clearly something which needs to be resolved, and we both know there is only one way....

Because God has given us autonomy

we can be assured of greater things, we can experience our behaviour as self-determined.

We can choose:

• how we want to interpret and react to others' behaviour
• which beliefs and principles to govern and underlie our decisions 
• I believe in adopting Christian values and exhibiting behaviours and thoughts that I perceive to be Christ-like, which are in turn guided by biblical principles.
• But I must first be consistent in reading the bible.. and reading Christian materials :/ which I'm not doing at this point la. 
• to decide what's within and out of our control 
• Grey areas: can we bargain with God? 

There is so much power within the self. And that is something that everyone should see. 

Just sudden urge to type these as I study for my Human Motivation paper and read people's posts on Facebook. 

This post is no doubt inspired by Ryan and Deci (2000), the founders of the Self-Determination Theory. If only I could gain insights and be able to interalise ('taking in' a value or regulation; recognition and acceptance) and sometimes integrate ("further transformation of that regulation into (my) own so that, subsequently, it will emanate from (my) sense of self") the things I learn... Although actions that are too deliberate may undermine intrinsic motivation, umm, well I CHOOSE to TRY, but I don't always get this result! I end up being really exhausted and burnt-out. Hence I choose to pray and ask God for these.... Okay back to studying. 

Sometimes I just feel like rolling my eyes, asking them what's the point of asking for opinion if they're going to reject contrasting views with harsh words.

I was just trying to make peace, ease out the tension, excuse me.

If that's what you want then fine, go do whatever you want. I'm not going to care so much or be so emotionally attached to the group if it means I have to put on a mask and fake smile all the time.

I'm trying not to see this as a personal attack. It probably wasn't intended to be one, but the more I harp on it, the more angry I feel.

I'm washing my hands off you.

"The rainy night will wash it away"

So I sit here, at the void deck of block 237, leaning against the back of the chair; my legs propped up, my wallet, iPad, portable charger and tissue packet sandwiched between my body and my legs; a tissue paper held to my nose; outside, the cold wind blows, the rain floods the neighborhood.

I've sobbed enough into 5 pieces of tissue. Now I have to write.

My brother - his behaviour disturbs me, and I believe my mum and sis are equally disturbed. I don't think any of them would have thought he's be capable of such displays of violence. I pray that the unseen forces planted in him or in the family will be wiped away...

What caused it, then?

Well it had come to my attention that my brother has been HOOKED on Facebook, anime, and Mouse Hunt. He is just obsessed with that game. Whenever I'm around, I observe that he'd pester my parents to type the passcode for the family iPad or the laptop... If refused access, he'd start raising his voice and show his impatience. If not given a time limit, he would continue using it, playing with Mouse Hunt in particular.

It's not like he's doing well in his studies and teachers are speaking well of him. It's not like he knows when to stop. No. Sometimes he'd demand access to the laptop or iPad, saying it's for school, but whenever I peeped to see what's on the screen, it's always Mouse Hunt. He's not even making progress in school. He just doesn't stop.

Earlier at around 12 midnight, he had once again demanded the passcode to be typed onto the iPad. My mum had fallen asleep and so he happily continued using it... Before I took a bath at about 2am, i told him to stop playing and go to bed, then proceeded to turn off the router. I was done at around 2.30am, and to no surprise, he was still playing with his mouse hunt, having turned the router downstairs back on. So I nagged at him again to stop it, and go to bed. Again, I went to turn the router off.

He refused to listen.

He came down, pretended to walk to the kitchen and around the house, then turned on the router again. This time my patience was tested and apparently was his, as I went to undo his last action.

That was when he started to raise his voice at me, calling me names because I didn't want to let him use the Internet. Mind you, it was almost 3am. I tried to tell him he's not supposed to be using the iPad so late at night and he should be sleeping, while attempting to get my mum for backup.

Next thing I knew, he seized my phone which I was holding, threw it down the stairs, then kicked me twice.

Mum finally appeared, having saw what just happened, and tried to stop him. That did not really help. It just set him off, and what happened next was an outburst of physical aggressiveness aimed at my direction, which I never imagined my own brother would be capable of displaying, especially not to a family member.

It took both my sister and mother to restrain him, and he was making death threats at me, about taking the bamboo pole to hit me to death or give me a black eye. He broke free and went at me again, leaving scratches on my arms and legs, and I tried to video the process while defending myself and trusting that my mum and sis would hold him back. While I continued to video.

How else was my father going to know what actually happened in his absence?

My act of videoing my brother's violent behaviour angered him even more, where he shouted that he would not stop until I deleted the video, while attempting to break free of the restraining arms that held him.

It's then that I realized my sister was the only one who could really control him and eventually, nicely and calmly, talk him out of it.

And mum was close to tears. She was visibly appalled too.

Mum told me to go up to my room, so I grabbed all my stuff downstairs, including my hamster's cage, and lugged them upstairs, where I sobbed... I prayed hard for God to take control of the situation downstairs, to help my sister to talk him down, to bring peace and calmness back into the household, for the spirits of violence, hostility and aggression to leave. I was so shocked, all I could do then was to pray, and cry.

I honestly didn't think my brother would behave like this. I thought this only happened in movies, in case studies, in the news, never in my own home. So the lack of Internet access would prompt him to burst out like that?

Also, the fact that I failed to keep his temper under control and that my younger sister could better command his attention did much damage to me as well - it branded me as a failure, a failed sister, authority figure, psychology major - until I tried to get hold of these thoughts before they bruised me further.

I needed space and time alone to cry and think without being interrupted- so I decided that it was best to do this outside. Thus here I am.

It's cold, it's rainy, it's 4.13am. I am armed with nothing but my essential belongings which, ironically, included my electronic devices and an Internet access - the very thing that caused the squabble tonight.

I justify this as an entitlement that comes with age and maturity, which I believe I have attained some degree of it. But still find it ironic.

I am still distressed, but I feel much better now after typing all these out on my phone. Blogging is a form of release for me; it channels my negativity into a constructive piece of reflection and recollection in writing.

I really thank God for my sister who was able to remain calm and in control of the situation, demonstrating wisdom and maturity beyond her years.

I thank God for my mum and dad (he's touched down and on the way home) who tried calling me and gently telling me to come home.

I thank God for the friends who responded to my tweets at this unearthly hour; showing concern and telling me to take care.

Above all, I really want to pray and ask for all these sources of disharmony to be banished and instead be replaced with all the elements of a happy family.

Holy Spirit I adore you
Holy one have your way
Before You now my heart's wide open
Take Your rightful place

Let Your work begin in me
With Your power set me free
Reign in all the kingdoms of my heart
I have one sole desire
That You would come and fill my life
Till the world can see
Jesus Christ in me

Welcoming 2013...

Simple, really. Attainable? I hope so! For these will help me become a better person...

1. Be grateful

1 Thes 5 : 18

give thanks in all circumstances;^(AG) for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus

1 Cor 3 : 5

Not that we are competent in ourselves^(H) to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.^(I)

2. Be an encourager

1 Thes 5: 12-14

¹² Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard^(X) among you, who care for you in the Lord^(Y) and who admonish you. ¹³ Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other.^(Z) 14 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle^(AA) and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak,^(AB) be patient with everyone

3. Be nice to everyone 

1 Thes 5: 15

.¹⁵ Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong,^(AC) but always strive to do what is good for each other^(AD) and for everyone else.

4. Be humble 

Philippians 3 : 3-4

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.^(F) Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,^(G)4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.^(H)

5. Pray continually (1 Thes 5:17)

6. Don't procrastinate. 

Proverbs 13:4

A sluggard’s appetite is never filled,^(F)    but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

iPad mini

Today, I pre-ordered the iPad mini, and I can't wait for it to comeeee. I think a tablet is really useful in times where you have a hell lot of readings to do and cant print them out. Plus, of course, the mobility and in the case of iPad mini, the weight. Will review it when it arrives 2 weeks later.

I really think I'm mad. Why am I spending so much this month?????????

I bought myself an instax mini, films for it, a portable charger for phone (seriously, I'm never ever buying from anywhere other than gmarket because they have better prices and better performance chargers), a desktop organiser, a windows 8 upgrade, and now an iPad mini.

What the hellllll am I doing. !!!!

That's enough expenditure for 2 months.. gotta limit myself to 2 pieces of clothing in November, cheap meals again and skip some when I can (someone's so going to disapprove of this :/) and save up to return to my savings account and for Christmas, too. And I just remembered Deborah's birthday present, and Chiam's too oh goshhhhhhh

Ok study time.

Is it that difficult a task to just label your files as requested?

I really don't understand.

Music and Human Memory

Hello.. This period's extra busy for me, with the peak weeks for this month being the next week and the week after, so I won't really be blogging autobiographical/episodic posts properly with pictures about my life. Must be mindful that my life as a student is limited though, and always be grateful for what I have so far.
---

I'm supposed to do a literature review for one of my modules, so I'm just typing some thoughts now. I can't type too much cos' some of my sentences will be used in my paper, and I don't want my plagiarism % to be too high for my paper because I've plagiarised myself in my own blog -__- that'll be really lame. Another alternative would be to publish this post only after submission of the paper.

---

Patients with Alzheimer's disease (AD) suffer from dementia, which causes deficits in certain types of memory. This is the reason why researchers conduct research on dementia patients, though usually narrowed down to AD patients since it's the most common form of dementia, because we can better understand the underlying mechanisms of memory, and what can help to improve memory by working on these mechanisms. It is unethical to induce this on human subjects with normal memory, so certain types of memory cannot be directly manipulated, and in such circumstances, quasi-experimental research will have to be done, which limits the control of researchers, which may affect the accuracy of results.

(I feel like such a noob because I don't know how exactly to phrase and explain why we use patients with memory deficits)

Researchers Simmons-Stern, Budson, and Ally in their paper Music as a memory enhancer in patients with Alzheimer's disease propose that "brain areas subserving music processing may be preferentially spared by AD, allowing a more holistic encoding that facilitates recognition," and that music causes AD patients to be more aroused, which allows better attention and improved memory. This is based on their study to investigate the effect of music on encoding, on the subsequent recognition of associated verbal information.

TO be continued. Time for me to go for class.

Habitat Coffee!

Highlight for this weekend! Finally finally got to try Habitat Coffee after hearing about how good it is from some of the church girls! And reading about their truffle fries and how it falls under ladyironchef's list of Best Truffle Fries in Singapore :)

(Quick and lazy editing. All shot by iPhone 4. I'm still a noob when it comes to these stuff, so it's merely a weak attempt at these photos. Don't judge okay, all ye photography enthusiasts!) 

Went there with the guy whose plans with other guys got cancelled thanks to the heavy rain this afternoon. I'm being selfish but I'm secretly glad cos', hey, that means he has time to eat with me! So yes, made rather impromptu plans during that late afternoon to settle for dinner with him, not too far from home, and I seized the opportunity to make him try Habitat with me. :)

First we saw the queue at Fat Boy's, which was quite long, and started to wonder if the queue at Habitat would be this long too. Thankfully, much to our surprise, it wasn't! In fact it was quite empty and the staff appeared to be quite free.

Took some time to decide what to order and happened to decide on the food marked with an asterisk!

Ice Habitat Fusion Tea - Peach. $4.90 I think

 Normal peach tea...

Moving on

It's amazing, how a week can make so much of a difference. Just one week is all it takes to bring out the bipolar emotions. I am not kidding.

---

Lunch after church yesterday with the girls, Cheryl, Xi Ying, and Jacelyn. The plan was to wake up for first service but XY and I failed miserably. So while we went for 2nd service, Jace and Cheryl went to Chye Seng Huat Hardware Coffee Bar. Lol.

Four of us headed to The Coffee Daily at Brighton Crescent after 2nd service ended.

Missing items

My goodness...

How can my apple speaker, JCRC room key and Seminar Room key be missing from my table?! I clearly do not remember passing them to ANYONE!

How much stranger can this be?!

Worried and panicky but it isn't going to make my stuff appear anytime soon :(  Praying really really really hard that my stuff miraculously appear :( or I am going to be in so much trouble..

I am so scared...

Mum says dad's in hospital again.

Waiting for her to reply with more details.

---

11.34pm. Pushing back the awful sensation of having my tears threatening to spill out.

---

To understand God's ways, we must see beyond the moment to the final work He is doing. We must never judge things prematurely. What appears to be weakness, God can transform into greatness. What seems to be loss, He can turn into gain. What looks like failure, He can turn into victory.

-

How I am different from others

When upset, people binge eat. Not all, but I would say a fair number. 

Myself? I just skip meals. 

Been skipping meals regularly recently. Saves on the money, and the calories. I find it hard to will myself to go eat when I'm not hungry. 

Still healthy, though. Still alive and kicking. 

Trying damn hard to live as normally as I possibly can, because it wouldn't be fair to let my shit affect my friends' lives. Because they haven't done anything to deserve my moodiness. Because it just wouldn't be fair to them.

I'm stronger than I think.

---

It's stupid to cry when i'm on the train. I will not. My eyeliner will smudge.

---

It's 9.30pm and I'm on the train back to hall after meeting some course mates to shop for our own stuff and birthday presents for others. I thought I was fine when I was with them. But as the sky grew darker, so did my emotions, and once again I found myself being bitter at all the songs that were being played. Maroon 5's Payphone did it and had me
close to tears once more..

I'm only blogging now to prevent the same thing from happening this afternoon, during the journey out of hall. I find it so hard to remain calm when alone, and yet I don't want to feel like I'm pretending to be normal in front of others, when I'm clearly not.

This isn't even the full blow. I cannot how imagine how I'd feel, had it gone deeper.

These scars, they burn.

... and I let myself down by allowing the tears to fall, for the first time, over a guy.

I know it's time to surrender my broken self to the Lord, and let Him fix me. I know I should have done this a long, long time ago... yet I know it's never too late. I mean, where else can I go, right?

A few of us Christians gathered in hall just now, and as we sang At The Cross, I just could not stop myself from yearning for that completeness, that wholeness that was absent for so long. It was the second time that such a gathering was held (the first for me), and yet even in such a setting, I knew that my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ would not judge me, nor take advantage of my vulnerability. I dare say that if not for this session, as I told one of them later, I would have "cried my eyes out" tonight, more than I already had... I wasn't close to them as friends at all, yet in such a state I knew that I needed their support. Just the act of coming together in worship, sharing, and prayer, was sufficient to ease some of the heaviness I felt tonight. And for that, I'm really thankful.

Of course, there are my closer hall friends whom I know I can rely on, but in such a situation and state, I think I'm in need of more spiritual support...

I just pray that he'll be fine, too...

---

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way 
When You said that it is done

Guess I should have seen this coming.

Not that I haven't, but I knew there was a possibility. Still, unwilling to deal with the cold, harsh reality of it, I pushed the thought out of my mind, trying to repress it.

My heart's damaged, bruised, and in need of healing, that's for sure.

But not enough to lead me into depression.

I know I'm stronger than that. I'm not going to cry, I'm not. Though when emotions run like this, I usually weep before I can think clearly. I'm not allowing myself to cry over you.

It probably isn't easy for you too. It's not going to be the same.

Why does it sting so much, when it wasn't even established in the first place? Why?

Till then...

First September Weekend

Decided to blog about this weekend since I just downloaded a new app (Camera+) and had some fun playing around with it :) So... Proper photos means a new blog entry with photos! Yay! Although like, right now I'm being weighed down with a ton of work.....

This post documents episodic memories. :)

We had brunch at Wild Honey at Scott's Plaza! Saw some photos of the food there, posted by some other friends on their Instagram accounts. So I wanted to try it too! We didn't make a reservation though, and ended up sitting at the bar counter facing this round pillar :( But we were served by the Caucasian boss so I felt slightly more cheered up. Haha.

Trying not to feel awkward taking photos by the pillar

I can't blur out the guy's hand behind me :(

Instagram shot :)

We ordered 2 sets of breakfast to share! Even then, the portion was really huge and we couldn't finish it! Which is rare for my cos' I usually finish my food.

English Breakfast, $24 

This is their signature dish. Scrambled eggs, back bacon, Cumberland pork sausage, sauteed mushrooms, Dad's baked beans, breakfast potatoes, grilled vine ripened tomato and signature brioche. I really liked the bacon, it wasn't as greasy as normal bacons usually are. Sauteed mushrooms make any dish perfect :D But that's just because I lovvvvvvve mushrooms. Dad's baked beans were a little spicy, but I'm not a fan of baked beans so this didn't really appeal to me; I just had 2 beans and left the rest of it there. Satisfying dish overall! 

Corsican, exclusive to Scotts Square. $22 if I remember correctly

Vegetarian. The ultimate fluffy omelette filled with goat's cheese, sheep feta cheese, shredded basil leaves and a drizzle of lavender honey with grilled ciabatta. Fluffy indeed, and the first few bites of the omelette mate me want to go on munching on more. Definitely not a dish to finish entirely on your own, though. I like cheese, but this omelette had too much of it and I felt like I was gonna barf if I had any more of it. Haha it could also be because I was really full already and was still trying to finish up my portion of the omelette. Amelia felt like it was too much cheese too. 

We sat there for quite a long time, talking and taking photos and trying to edit them! Then we left for the toilet... more photos...

Seeing double? Stupid mirror line there which drew a line down my body :(

After lunch, we went to Far East Plaza cos' I wanted to take a look at the new Hollyhoque shop there. It wasn't as crowded as I had expected. I was pretty excited for the clothes buffet at first, and had expected a crowd there as it sounded like a pretty good deal. However, it was just an area in the shop cordoned off with 4 large containers of clothes on the floor, and I didn't want to end up looking like an exhibit squatting on the floor, trying to dig for clothes to fit in the purchased envelope/bag. There were only 2 or 3 other girls in the 'buffet' area. I guess my public image (the need to portray myself as not 'auntie') was greater than my desire for good deals! Which was quite a pity.

I left the shop with just a pair of Weaved Thong sandles in the end, as I've been eyeing that pair for a long time! It was sold out in size 36 for the colour I wanted, though, so I settled for a size 37 instead. I'd rather get it in a colour I like than one which I didn't like. Was tempted to purchase a floral romper too, but decided not to.

It felt so different to see Sheila (HH owner) and her boyfriend in person and having then serve me at the cash register! Felt like I was seeing celebrities, since all these while I've just been reading Sheila's blog. Almost daily. Guess I'll be frequenting FEP more :)

The rest of the afternoon was spent walking around Far East Plaza, where Amelia bought a bralet (!!! I will never dare to wear one out) and a pretty pair of black shorts. Nothing had tempted me enough there, lol. Then we went over to Forever 21 at ION, where I tried on dresses that I thought looked nice on me, BUT size S was TOO LOOSE :( Dang, when will they ever manufacture dresses in size XS so that the UK6 girls can wear them?!! I bought a white headband with a white flower for $5 from there though, cos' I figured I need more hair accessories.

No pictures of our purchases cos' we didn't take any photos! Haha.

Then we felt guilty and headed to Starbucks at Wheelock Place to study for 3 hours.

Study also must take photo. 

I still have 1.5 chapters of Personnel Psych to read for the quiz, and I haven't even started mindmapping! :( Not to mention revision for Finance and my part for the tutorial presentation. Both quiz and presentation will take place THIS TUESDAY :'( sadgirl91. Plus, there is JCRC rally this Tuesday and Wednesday, and polling on Thursday. Busy busy busy week ahead and here I am, blogging away... I really need to get my priorities right. But I'll finish this soon!

After studying with Amelia yesterday, I headed back to Kovan first while she remained there before going to study with Ivan at Jurong East, where they were going to have overnight studying. I decided last year that overnight study just isn't going to work for me. 

Then it was supper/dinner with Wen Ming. He was walking around vivocity and nex before that while I studied with Amelia :/ We went to walk down the stretch between Kovan MRT and Serangoon JC since there were a couple of eating places open... and settled for Punggol nasi lemak (which was expensive and blehhh), and Selegie beancurd after that. We were pretty lucky cos the queue was mega short for the nasi lemak when we arrived, and extended quickly after we started eating. And we didn't have to wait long for this couple to vacate a table at Selegie. AND, the shop aunties started closing the other tables when we were halfway through our tau huey. Meaning, we made it before they started packing up! Another satisfying meal :) Then I was walked home and Wen Ming managed to catch the 3rd last 53 home :) Our lucky night indeed! No photos though.  

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This morning at LSBC, instead of the usual worship and sermon, it was a worship Sunday. I've always loved worship cos' that's how I communicate best with God :) It's also when I could really feel His presence. And yes... I will join a ministry. Which I've been procrastinating since A levels ended. 

Photos! Cheryl, Daphne and I. We sat at the 2nd row today' cos' we were late :/

Unedited. 

Then Daphne left us, and Cheryl too, cos she wasn't feeling well. First day of the month for the poor girl :( So it was Jacelyn and I... and we caught up quite a bit :) I really like speaking to her cos' she's a girl of wisdom, someone I can be accountable to for what's going on in my life, and someone who'll listen to me without judging me, and well I must say she reminds me of who I am in Christ! :) Really thankful for a cell mate like Jacelyn, who's also actively serving and working in church!

Front shot. Bad quality :( Used Phonto to add the words! 

Very obviously an Instagram shot hahaha

Don't really like this filter :(

My food. Which was meh, not that good. 

Iced HK Milk Tea 

We headed to get my hamster's food from Pet Lover's Centre at Heartland Mall, and 51 beancurd from downstairs. Then it was time for homeeeeeeeeeeee.

Omg I spent 2-3 hours editing photos (which didn't even turn out that well) and blogging. Time to pack up for hall.... and prepare for a new week ahead........ which I'm currently not prepared for, at all! :( And I still feel like blogging about D&D, and my birthday with the beloved cell group and hall friends and family! :(