saved, by grace: January 2013

So I sit here, at the void deck of block 237, leaning against the back of the chair; my legs propped up, my wallet, iPad, portable charger and tissue packet sandwiched between my body and my legs; a tissue paper held to my nose; outside, the cold wind blows, the rain floods the neighborhood.

I've sobbed enough into 5 pieces of tissue. Now I have to write.

My brother - his behaviour disturbs me, and I believe my mum and sis are equally disturbed. I don't think any of them would have thought he's be capable of such displays of violence. I pray that the unseen forces planted in him or in the family will be wiped away...

What caused it, then?

Well it had come to my attention that my brother has been HOOKED on Facebook, anime, and Mouse Hunt. He is just obsessed with that game. Whenever I'm around, I observe that he'd pester my parents to type the passcode for the family iPad or the laptop... If refused access, he'd start raising his voice and show his impatience. If not given a time limit, he would continue using it, playing with Mouse Hunt in particular.

It's not like he's doing well in his studies and teachers are speaking well of him. It's not like he knows when to stop. No. Sometimes he'd demand access to the laptop or iPad, saying it's for school, but whenever I peeped to see what's on the screen, it's always Mouse Hunt. He's not even making progress in school. He just doesn't stop.

Earlier at around 12 midnight, he had once again demanded the passcode to be typed onto the iPad. My mum had fallen asleep and so he happily continued using it... Before I took a bath at about 2am, i told him to stop playing and go to bed, then proceeded to turn off the router. I was done at around 2.30am, and to no surprise, he was still playing with his mouse hunt, having turned the router downstairs back on. So I nagged at him again to stop it, and go to bed. Again, I went to turn the router off.

He refused to listen.

He came down, pretended to walk to the kitchen and around the house, then turned on the router again. This time my patience was tested and apparently was his, as I went to undo his last action.

That was when he started to raise his voice at me, calling me names because I didn't want to let him use the Internet. Mind you, it was almost 3am. I tried to tell him he's not supposed to be using the iPad so late at night and he should be sleeping, while attempting to get my mum for backup.

Next thing I knew, he seized my phone which I was holding, threw it down the stairs, then kicked me twice.

Mum finally appeared, having saw what just happened, and tried to stop him. That did not really help. It just set him off, and what happened next was an outburst of physical aggressiveness aimed at my direction, which I never imagined my own brother would be capable of displaying, especially not to a family member.

It took both my sister and mother to restrain him, and he was making death threats at me, about taking the bamboo pole to hit me to death or give me a black eye. He broke free and went at me again, leaving scratches on my arms and legs, and I tried to video the process while defending myself and trusting that my mum and sis would hold him back. While I continued to video.

How else was my father going to know what actually happened in his absence?

My act of videoing my brother's violent behaviour angered him even more, where he shouted that he would not stop until I deleted the video, while attempting to break free of the restraining arms that held him.

It's then that I realized my sister was the only one who could really control him and eventually, nicely and calmly, talk him out of it.

And mum was close to tears. She was visibly appalled too.

Mum told me to go up to my room, so I grabbed all my stuff downstairs, including my hamster's cage, and lugged them upstairs, where I sobbed... I prayed hard for God to take control of the situation downstairs, to help my sister to talk him down, to bring peace and calmness back into the household, for the spirits of violence, hostility and aggression to leave. I was so shocked, all I could do then was to pray, and cry.

I honestly didn't think my brother would behave like this. I thought this only happened in movies, in case studies, in the news, never in my own home. So the lack of Internet access would prompt him to burst out like that?

Also, the fact that I failed to keep his temper under control and that my younger sister could better command his attention did much damage to me as well - it branded me as a failure, a failed sister, authority figure, psychology major - until I tried to get hold of these thoughts before they bruised me further.

I needed space and time alone to cry and think without being interrupted- so I decided that it was best to do this outside. Thus here I am.

It's cold, it's rainy, it's 4.13am. I am armed with nothing but my essential belongings which, ironically, included my electronic devices and an Internet access - the very thing that caused the squabble tonight.

I justify this as an entitlement that comes with age and maturity, which I believe I have attained some degree of it. But still find it ironic.

I am still distressed, but I feel much better now after typing all these out on my phone. Blogging is a form of release for me; it channels my negativity into a constructive piece of reflection and recollection in writing.

I really thank God for my sister who was able to remain calm and in control of the situation, demonstrating wisdom and maturity beyond her years.

I thank God for my mum and dad (he's touched down and on the way home) who tried calling me and gently telling me to come home.

I thank God for the friends who responded to my tweets at this unearthly hour; showing concern and telling me to take care.

Above all, I really want to pray and ask for all these sources of disharmony to be banished and instead be replaced with all the elements of a happy family.

saved, by grace

Saturday, January 19, 2013

"The rainy night will wash it away"

Friday, January 18, 2013